this is not my life

at least, not entirely. it's not the life i thought i'd be living by now...

as my last couple weeks of 29 wind down, i randomly reflect on my life - where i've been, where i am and where i'm going. it definitely isn't the picture i thought i'd be constructing at this stage of the game. some days, i'm ok with this. some days, i want to cry into my pillow and never leave bed again ever

is this the struggle of overly ambitious people? is this just what happens with middle age milestones?

whatever it is, i don't like it. i was completely unconcerned about this birthday until a month ago. neal sent me a silly teasing text as he usually does. and it stung. a lot. i almost cried. completely out of the ordinary for me. this oscillation between "FUCK 30" and "FUCKYEA 30"... oh god. just writing those words was a jab in the heart. literally, just sunk back in my chair like someone punched me... the oscillation makes me question my own emotions. i'm constantly putting on a front of whatever cause i don't know what's happening internally

i earned my MS in 2012 and joined an illustrious organization in 2013.

four of my friends are getting married this year. FOUR.

i'm another step closer to licensure and working two jobs i adore.

two of my friends are having their second children this year. one is having her first.

i own my own car and am on track to repay my loan early

my best friend bought a house this month

for every success, i'm reminded of the things i've put off - for myself and because of others. i'm horribly impatient with life; i think that's always been clear. but it's also occasionally imposed impatience. i've reached the point when people ask big questions about my life. i'm tired of smiling and saying "no" to most. playing off the fact that my stalled life weighs heavy on my heart. pretending like i'm not angry and frustrated. ignoring my internal clock that has been ticking for two years. i already had my own shit rolling around in my head, and now i've internalized additional pressure from all these people

i know i shouldn't let other people dictate my life, especially people who don't know me. i know i shouldn't compare myself to everyone. i also know how fucking hard it is to let go when i identified my life plan at age 13. i know my passions. i know what i want, and i'm not asking for much. i'm tired of waiting for the pieces to fall into place, as determined by someone other than myself

i'm going to be 30, and i'm releasing the brake. this is not my life, but it's going to be

unmoored

i'm lost... or at least, i have lost part of me

in all the coursework, experiences and feedback, i have lost my sense of myself as a counselor. i've become so bogged down in learning the skills and forgotten that i already have natural skill. giving everything a name seems to have shifted me in a negative direction. i find myself struggling more and more, when i should be finding my groove. i understand that all of this is supposed to focus me and enhance my craft. but all its done is cloud my view

i was reading a case study that could have been about someone i know. it could almost have been about me. i understood the client before her therapist did. i understood where she was coming from before my classmates did. not to say that i am better than him or them, but that i have an important perspective many don't. that perspective gets kicked around when we start using our fancy terms and theories

i didn't come into this field because people told me i'm a great listener. i didn't have every friend coming to me for help and advice. i didn't fall into this in the middle of my college career because human behavior randomly started to interest me

i did fall into psychology ungracefully, a gifted kid afforded the privilege of advanced experiences. but i've always wanted to help in some capacity. and i've always been drawn to psychology in ways i didn't understand (who, at 11, is trying to make a case for why her brother's trained psychiatrist was a blithering idiot about diagnosis and treatment? oh, and i was right? TAKE THAT). i found psychology at 13. i briefly, post college, put it on hold to pursue a field i thought would be complementary. psychology called me home again. this is who i am. this is who i have always been

i know this. i just need to pull my lost parts out of the ensuing fog

10.9.12

the last few days have been crazy

- whirlwind weekend in tucson. bridal shower by the pool. naps & bouquet making. awesome food at rehearsal dinner. beautiful wedding. handful of mishaps. more good food and drinks. harassing the groomsman. fun after party. crazy sleep thanks to jet lag. brunch, booze by the pool and bbq. watching football throughout the day. another breakfast. more lounging by the pool. trip to an historical catholic mission. being a security risk. catching a few minutes of MNF. great conversations and a good movie flying home

- couldn't really get myself going this morning so i was a bit late to work. missed a meeting scheduled while i was out. cause i was seriously gonna jump on a call at 930 after a four day weekend. found out later that bitch from last week basically ignored my email. shocking. i'm furious and unsure how we proceed, but we sure as hell aren't going to be doing what she asked

- kinda freaking out schedule-wise. need to address the work issue plus work on my actual work project tomorrow after my chiro appointment. but dr. e just asked me to drop by to sit in on a new intake. so i have to cut my appointment short to meet her midday. meanwhile, i'm supposed to have a client at 6p and need to go to campus to handle some client notes. running up and down the highway when i need to be talking with my coworker and boss really isn't what i wanted to do with my day. at least the mkn stuff i may be able to put off til thursday. though i wanted to get some of that resolved before my next weekend away

so much for my post mini vacation happiness

10.5.12

written from the air. pants was nice enough to let me borrow his netbook for my tucson trip. he may regret this when i buy things from his amazon account MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

---

normally, i love to fly. when i was old enough, i flew to visit my grandma every summer. all by myself! thanks to dance and cheerleading, i had a few trips to disney after that. [ever been around when those obnoxious girls were doing cheers during take off? you're welcome] just after college came the cruises out of florida, the trips to see my scattered favorite people and the occasional work training. thanks to these trips, i've offically dubbed CTL the 3rd circle of hell. they really need to get their shit together down there

most of the time, i still love being in the air. i've even worked out a system for minimizing my wait time to fly out of bwi. i'm no morning person, but i always find myself more pleasant than usual with the airport staff. i even make jokes with tsa staff

but today

ugh today

i swear my seat is small then usual. the guy in front of me won't stop fidgeting violently. the guy behind me keeps vigorously fiddling with the seat pocket. and there is a crying baby. THREE HOURS OF CRYING BABY

plus i didn't have time to do my back exercises, and my spine is ready to stage an airplane coup

i hate everything

---

ps i'm pretty sure this women is going through an over the phone break up while waiting for her flight that's now delayed at least 90 minutes. that guy is a douche, and i hope something nasty happens to him

10.1.12

this is my 251st post apparently. would be a huge milestone if it weren't for the fact, i practically never post. part of me wonders why i even opened this window. i'm so overwhelmed by things happening in my life, but i can't find the words to organize and attack

- i have back to back weddings the next two weekends. i'm in both. one's in tucson az; the other in richmond va. lots of travel, hairspray and happy tears are in my near future

- i have to cram all my homework into the days i'll be in md. i'm behind a couple weeks as it is so i really need to get on top of it all before midterm. i only have one exam, but i also have a bunch of write ups and two pappers as well

- i have to squeeze clients in during the week since i normally intern fri & sat. i'm already behind in my hours due to cancellations, no shows and some people who aren't fully committed to treatment. i'm trying not to panic though since my supervisor and another therapist keep passing me cases

- i made an interesting connection between my clients so my supervisor suggested we form a group. he thinks i should lead alone since it'd be focused on women's issues. i need to write up a proposal to present to our clients so i pulled what useful articles i could find. so far we have two interested clients, and i have a lot of extra reading

- there's a potential for three back to back birthday celebrations at the end of the month. another partially lost weekend means more cramming to get all my shit done. at least i'll get to see jesse for the first time in ages. working weekends + a glitchy laptop = major suckage

reaching the point where i usually shutdown, but trying my best not to let that happen. too much is riding on this semester. so i need to pull it together now before it's far too late. first step: not staying up til 2am for no damn reason. so, good night :)

moving beyond comfort

my favorite game as a kid was library. what's library you ask? it's exactly what you think it is. i'd set out books, on my bed, which could be checked out by my siblings. yes, they had library cards. yes, you had to always be quiet. my sister HATED this game. she's a tree climbing, mud loving wild child. by my standards

i always preferred staying inside to playing with the neighbor kids. i was only friends with one family anyway. i got in trouble one time for going up to sarah's to pick raspberries (they were terrible) without telling someone. i never wanted to go back again. summers were a struggle because i like running through the sprinkler for about 10 minutes. then i'd make my mud bricks for a few minutes. then i was ready to come inside and be clean again

summer camps were not my friend. i recall going to camp precisely six times. dance camp twice, girl scout camp, lacrosse camp and two CTY summers (let's just call it nerd camp). i cried at dance camp because i fell out of a split. i almost cried at girl scout camp because i couldn't swim. i got heat stroke at lacrosse camp and missed half the week. i felt most at home at nerd camp, but there were still ridiculous camp activities after class was done. i eventually had some fun at each, but getting me to smile, talk or make friends was definitely pulling teeth

what do all these things have in common? my fear of other people and being judged. i'm sure you're all so shocked by this revelation. i've always found it hard to interact with people and relate to people my own age. it's not been until recently that i seem to have found people who get me and make me comfortable from the beginning. i was a kid who never made friends easily, which translated into an adult who had to have friends made for her. ok it's not that bad, but i do still credit claire as the biggest reason i didn't beg my mom to come pick me up a week into my freshman year of college. when you don't eat for three days because you're terrified of going to the dining hall alone, you may have a problem. claire solved that problem, and the people i met are still my closest friends

fast forward a few years to when i started blogging publicly. i started putting myself out there more and more. i got to know people through 20SB, their blogs and twitter. i attended the occasional DC meetup. i went to a few SMC-DC and -Balt events. i actually felt like a part of things and not like everyone's antisocial shadow. then, this semester, i started an internship that really forced me to face my fears around meeting people for the first time. thanks to that experience, i set a goal to compensate for it. technically, i probably set that goal without thinking when i started meeting my online peeps off the computer, but whatevs :p

my goal is to basically stop making myself part of the scenery. stop making myself less memorable. stop willing people to not notice me. i'm an introvert, but that doesn't mean i have to be shy. i can be just as bold, honest and open as i am when i'm hiding behind my droid. going to vegas was the first real step in acting on this desire to grow. the next step?

i'm going on an adventure. to new york. by myself. sorta. my dad's from new york so we went a lot before my brother was born. i wasn't the first grandchild, but i was my grandmother's favorite. i went a couple times for school field trips, but only once just for fun with friends. that was the day i vowed to never EVER drive to new york again, but damn it was a good day in the city. i did venture to long island while heather was finishing up her master's, but i don't really count long island as "the city" ;) this trip will be my first trip to nyc in four years, and i'm traveling completely by myself. that's part one of the adventure

the rest? i booked an apartment through airbnb [yes, i get a little something if you decide to sign up with that link]. staying in a random strangers home? scary shit and kind of fun. i will take every precaution possible to keep myself safe. already emailed mom all my reservation details since she was freaking out. she's not used to adventurous michelle; neither am i... i'm going to a show with alix friday night, and i'm tagging along with her sunday for the nyc pride parade (insert crazy squeeing). saturday is my REALLY BIG SCARY DAY. why? because i'm hoping to hang out with a few biscuits in the city. i already met them, and i'm still terrified of spending more time with their awesome faces. how insane am i??? i'm more nervous about hanging out than i am about figuring out the subway system [though if i can't, i can always uber my way around town - yes, another link that'll pay me if you sign up. it also pays you. just saying...]

i 100% mean it when i say i want to meet the wonderful online people i know. i would love to make trips to chicago, texas and california. i will also be a bundle of nerves before, during and after said trips if they happen. i am already a bundle of nerves about nyc, which is two weeks away... ugh, i'm a mess. i think the moral of this story is "i like you. please don't hate me" because i'm still working on myself

bursting

y'all i have ALL THE OPINIONS, and this has been the week for expressing them. with less than a week left until #bisc, i wish i could revise my five things slightly because i may or may not pull out my bitch pants in vegas (i'll try not to though)

i am political. i talk about it with anyone and everyone. i vote in every election i can. so much in my life relates to political issues in one form or another. i don't keep up with every little thing, but i follow certain people on twitter to get the important highlights

i believe in equality. for racial/ethnic minorities. for women. for the LGBTQ community. social policies should reflect and embrace this, and i will do whatever i can to make sure that happens. because i am political. did you miss that?

i am not religious. i often think about dedicating a post to my beliefs, but i've decided that's unnecessary. i believe in things, but my views are my own. only exception: i will never be on board with bigotry shrouded in christian piety. i will always put that out there for all to see and know. because i believe in true equality

sometimes i keep my opinions to myself. however, i've been bursting at the seams with events (personal and public) from this week. i doubt most of this comes as a surprise, especially if you follow me on twitter (why aren't you following me on twitter?!?) or read my about page. however, i wanted to reiterate these things just in case

still wanna be friends?

dear, self

you're slowly giving up on everything. it's time to snap out of it before you pull the walls down around you

get back to your old comfortable routine. work out when you can because you know there is time. remember vegetables? you were actually starting to like them. you might want to try liking them again. your goals aren't that lofty if you actually put forth the effort

plan ahead and stick to it. you know there will be road blocks, but they're much smaller when you're better prepared. the hurdles really aren't all as bad as the doubt wants you to believe. speak up when you need to instead of waiting until it's almost too late. people can help if you're willing to ask

keep things in perspective. situations are temporary, but real progress takes time. neither fast tracking or avoiding will help you get through this. you have to remember to keep moving forward, head held high. all the help in the world can't change a thing if you decide to stop being the driving force in your own life

try to remember that, too

love,
self

brain dump

i work four jobs: FT at the evil corporation, PT/FT for MKN (depending on how you look at it), PT student with PT internship. this doesn't even include homework (because i haven't been doing it...). my brain! she is unhappy :(

i'm currently sitting at the office (job #1) waiting to see if a particular mini crisis has finally been resolved. i seem to be in a fight with IT (because they're fucking dumb), but my solution may cause other issues. i was only going to put in an extra hour, but now i'm staying til 7p to be sure. i'm at the internship/class all day so i won't be back in office until friday. and then i'm off until wednesday (yay birthday). i'm kinda freaking out because this shit is now on me to fix even though it's fucking IT's fucking fault. i'm equal parts irritated and upset. i've had nothing else to do since about 130. so instead of reading for class, i was job searching for jesse. something i wanted to do quickly consumed several hours of the day. par for the mother fucking course

this is not anything new. i have time here and there. big giant chunks of it. yet... my brain! she doesn't want to do the necessary, only the distracting. and even some distractions don't get done. i skipped twookclub on sunday because i hadn't read this month's book (extremely loud and incredibly close). i really wanted to read it, but i just didn't. reading for fun is supposed to be part of my self care this semester. fail. i also don't seem to be sleeping properly. again with the giant chunks of wasted time. my eye has been twitching for weeks because i'm so exhausted. i could fall asleep anytime anywhere, but i'm up until midnight (or later). sometimes i'm working because my official FT job schedule is wonky. sometimes i'm just piddling around. regardless, i'm constantly on the verge of falling asleep except at a reasonable time

part of me keeps wondering how did i do so well last semester and fall so hard this time around? my classes are relatively easier, and i am doing extremely well in both, considering. yet i'm a ball of stress, and i keep making my situation worse. i feel guilty even writing this blog post when i could've read a few pages for class. i would've felt guilty if i didn't write this blog post because i miss blogging and interacting with the internets (is anyone even still reading?). i can't win, and i'm slowly going crazy...

this could also be mostly hormones talking. fucking pms

infuriating things

i started a post a few weeks ago when i was freaking out about a huge research paper i had due. the paper got done. i only got three hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, and i missed the entire lecture portion of my group therapy class. but that paper was completed on time. class was cancelled due to an emergency so i left campus livid. i'm still kind of pissed that we weren't given an extra week even though it was pretty clear he wouldn't be reading our papers until he collected the hard copies. whatever. i better get an A on that bitch. i often joke that my master's should be in procrastination. i gave myself an entire two weeks for that paper; i wasted all of that time. afterwards, i gave myself a day to recoup mentally. i have yet to finish a single reading from the last week. i know better than this; yet i keep putting myself in this situation. i tell myself the bullshit stops now. i tell myself i'm going to start my day a certain way. i tell myself... all sorts of other lies. because the internet is always waiting, pulling, asking me to play. i'm catching up on blog posts from october. i'm keeping (or trying to keep) my tumblr unreads under 100. i'm trying to keep up with twitter friends because i'm worried about them. ugh and i started this semester so strongly...

today, however, i am too angry with the internet to spend all my time sifting through it. i am angry with the offline people i care most about. i am angry that our world is so fucked up and people are too self absorbed to see things for what they are. i am questioning the people around me. i am questioning myself, but i know what i would have done as a person, as a future mental health professional, as a future parent. conrad murray. herman cain. jerry sandusky. these stories hurt my soul

i didn't follow the murray trial; i have half an unpopular opinion. he absolutely did the wrong thing in prescribing/administering medication to jackson who needed psychological care more than anything. vilifying him is not going to do much of anything in the grand scheme of proper healthy care. to me, this is another high profile case designed to appease the unruly masses... herman cain is a sketchy bastard who i truly believe sexually harassed those women. that being said, i think sharon bialek is suspicious. her allegations are not about sexual harassment; if true, she was sexually assaulted, a criminal act. if she's only seeking an apology or putting a name/face to the allegations now, why did she hire gloria alred? if she's pressing charges, the statute of limitations for the assault has run out (which is fucked up in its own right). the other women reported the incidents when they happened and steps were taken to shoo them away. bialek said nothing and her claims are far worse than harassment. she doesn't come across as the type to keep her mouth shut for this long. i don't care about her financial or marital situation, but there is something about her i simply don't trust

i cannot fully express to you the anger i have towards jerry sandusky and penn state. i didn't pay attention to the original reports. in the twitter jumble, i saw that someone witnessed sandusky with a kid/player on campus. i honestly thought this was about sandusky having a relationship with a college student. whatever, it happens. then i heard "jerry sandusky - child molestation" on the news. i freaked out on two levels. one because i thought they were talking about gerry sandusky, one of our local news anchors. two: MOLESTATION!?? finally getting all the pieces straight, i realized this was about a different dude, minors and years of lies. i hope he spends the rest of his miserable life in prison. i was glad to hear that schultz and curley were arrested for not reporting the allegations to any police authority. i was also glad to hear paterno and spanier were fired. i think mcqueary should be next on the chopping block at penn state, and spanier should also be arrested for failing to report. not a single one of these men went to police about the rape of a 10 year old boy. paterno and mcqueary may have done the right thing notifying superiors, but they didn't do enough

PA state law requires that such allegations be reported to the police within 48 hours. even if paterno and mcqueary didn't know the 48 hour requirement, they had to have known something was up when no one from the university or county/state police department contacted either of them to follow up. mcqueary was an eye witness. he most certainly should have expected a call from the proper authorities. yet they let this all go for almost a decade. while neither of them committed a crime in the eyes of the law, neither of them did enough to really protect the children who crossed sandusky's path. sandusky was a foster parent and ran a special program for at risk youth. he was constantly around children and adolescents. there was a pattern of behavior that many found bizarre and uncomfortable; the majority of people said nothing. he'd been under investigation in 1998 because of inappropriate contact. but when you actually see a rape in front of you? you don't do everything in your power to ensure that it doesn't happen again? are you fucking serious? you'd rather sacrifice that child and other children for your precious fucking football program?! paterno doesn't deserve the dignity of finishing his career and resigning. mcqueary doesn't deserve the right to continue business as usual either. they brought this shame on themselves, and they should live with that every fucking day

power of groups

i miss weight watchers meetings. neal calls it a cult; i call it group therapy. i'm taking a group therapy course this semester, which has me thinking more and more about groups. i never thought about ww in that context, but it absolutely is therapeutic. using the counseling jargon, it's a psychoeducational group. basically, a group that has a central theme around which there is discussion and skill building. AA is another good example

i don't believe i took it for granted how much benefit i'd get from ww. i knew going in that i was a meetings girl; i needed face to face support when i was starting out. i definitely overestimated the ability of the online community to replace my meetings though. not to say my online support isn't spectacular, but i definitely believe there is a piece missing. the weekly #wwchat fizzled, iitgi floundered and i don't want to join the mfp discussion boards. all i have are blogs and twitter, which i'm not utilizing to their full potential. i could be doing so much better. i could reach out to others for help. i could implement a plan based on ideas from other bloggers. i could start documenting my struggles and successes again. but i won't. something gets lost in translation online. because, short of expressing myself in tumblr posts, i'm finding it extremely hard to convey precisely what i mean

it's frustrating. i'm frustrated with the same information. i'm frustrated with the support inconsistencies. but mostly, i'm frustrated with myself. intellectually, i'm there. i know what to do and how to do it. i'm just not emotionally involved. i can't work up the excitement i used to have. for myself and for others. i love the internet, but it just can't fulfill the role i need sufficiently

feeling a bit lost (via tumblr)

anniversary of sorts

i find it slightly amusing and highly fascinating how my favorite bloggers tend to write around the same times on the same themes. this week/weekend there's been chatter about life direction, goals and where everyone is. erini wrote about obstacles and apprehension. ardith wrote about having direction without specific focus. and emily wrote about how every choice we make helps shape who we are. last night, neal and i saw uncle vanya. it was well performed (hello! cate blanchett and hugo weaving! *dies*), but i'm still muddling over it's meaning. what i took from it is that our choices can trap us in incredibly wonderful or incredibly tragic patterns of "living". the best we can do is continue living, happy or not

i've been thinking over the last few days how happy i've been with recent decisions and where my life is. i'm absolutely not where i thought i would be at the age of 13. i had an entire life plan including a marriage, a baby and a doctoral program. i should be working on my thesis and my 2nd baby. i should be living in an adorable little house with its fenced in yard and overgrown puppy in the back. i had such lofty dreams and zero obstacles

the reality was several missteps, wrong turns and disastrous decisions. i was going to detail it all, but i hate dwelling on 2007-2009. most of my life is back on course these days. the one remaining thing that's bogging me down is my job. this morning i woke up kinda meh, but i'm getting more irritable by the minute. i cannot fully express to you how much i despise this place. i'm acutally hoping for daily earthquakes (minor ones, not crazy disaster movie/CA regular sized ones) so i can leave work early more often. last week, walking into work after nearly two weeks off was excruciating. there was/is literally no place i want to be less than here in this office

today is a reminder of all the things i dislike about my life and the decisions i've made. i've been here for four years exactly. six months as a contractor; the rest as an employee. i have a purpose and direction outside this job. i'm working on fulfilling my dreams. yet i'm trapped in this one thing that makes me miserable for approximately 40 hours a week. i'm plotting my escape (16 more months), but it's not enough. why do i stay? because the job pays better than i could get elsewhere. because the hours are flexible enough for me to stay in grad school. because i don't want just another throw away job when i leave here

i believe that everything happens for a reason. i believe that we must actively work to change things we don't like about our lives and ourselves. i believe i am on the right path to the goals i've had for half my life. i just wish the damn road wasn't so difficult to navigate and full of one way streets

we climb

shit did not go well. i think i did well on my finals, but i don't know if i did well enough to get off the chopping block. one of my work projects (the icky huge one) got pulled off my plate, but will be replaced with other craziness. jesse's situation... is far worse than i could have imagined. let's focus on that last one cause i need to process. it's too much to explain the whole debacle, and it's really not my story to tell. what i can say is that tuesday happened, and i did my best to redirect his focus afterwards. not that the whole thing went against us (yes, us, even though it's his hell) because his family is dumb as bricks, but the big main important thing did. we're going to deal with it. wednesday was all about putting out fires, which i'm good at. unfortunately, there were a few more explosions yesterday. and i lost it. after our business meeting, neal and i ended up talking until 2am. mostly, me talking and crying. i'm so stressed and worried, but i don't want to put that back on jesse. he's still dealing with his own emotions. because i am who i am, i was focusing on his emotions, too, instead of thinking about myself. i rarely think about my emotional well being in the midst of a crisis; that's why i'm good in the midst of a crisis. but this is too much.

being reminded that i cannot save people by taking on their problems as my own... helpful and annoying. i've already placed a limit on what i can do. not that jesse has asked for anything beyond that limit or that i think he will. it's a limit on myself. because i want to just make it all go away, which is not really what anyone needs in the long run. after that talk, i'm exhausted as hell. not just because i only got five hours of sleep, but because i'm emotionally drained. i don't have much left in me to offer at the moment. however i still have a bit of determination left. as i've said a couple times in the last week: you have to have hope; hope drives determination. i still have a bit of hope that this is not forever. it's hard to see right now, but i know it will get better. it won't happen today. it won't happen tomorrow. but deep down, i know it will change. we just need to survive the next two weeks. and even though my emotional resources are tapped, i know that all is not forsaken. but with that determination came a bit more anger

i'm angry with jesse for being the world's doormat and allowing some of this shit to happen repeatedly. i'm angry because he doesn't always do what he says he will in order to make things better, even minimally

i'm furious with scott for being a dillhole and taking advantage of jesse's weaknesses. i wish every horrible thing ever to befall him in the near future

and i'm angry with myself for trying to live jesse's life for him. i''m not much better than anyone else because i steamroll right over him when i think he's doing it wrong. i don't listen as much as i should, and i often refuse to accept his constraints. i have high expectations, but sometimes they're excessive. i honestly forget that he's not me and i'm not him

i do believe that jesse is better than he gives himself credit. i do believe that he can make any change that he wants with enough time and support. i do believe that our lives today will not be our lives forever. i wouldn't be with him if i thought otherwise. it won't happen overnight, but it will happen. he has me, and i'm fucking hardheaded and spoiled. baby gets what baby wants? no fucking duh. i don't know if we've hit bottom yet because the floor keeps dropping out. i've decided i don't care about bottom. if this isn't bottom, i'm not waiting around for it to be bottom. today is the first day. now, we climb

orly O.o

it has come to my attention that i am boring. ok maybe J didn't say that exactly, but that was the implication. he got a boyfriend fail as such. i have been busy with school, friend dates, weekends with said boy, interviews and more school. i have very little to say over here besides "i'm effing busy". don't think i haven't noticed my traffic has decreased. i check my analytics every friday :p i'm also not hanging around 20SB where i used to tool around looking for new blogs and new followers. seeing as i follow ALL of these blogs (plus some i haven't yet added), i really shouldn't be scouring for more. i can barely keep up as it is! i am doing the best i can to maintain what little i have. i'm not looking to grow for the sake of growth. i'm not looking to entertain the internets. i simply want to share the shit that rolls through my brain when it's long enough for a proper post. (want the play by play of my nonsense? then you should be following me on twitter) sorry i'm not sorry for being a blog slacker. if you don't like it, you don't have to read me. that goes for you, too, babydoll

yes, i'm irritated by the "it's all those winter challenge posts. is that what your blog is now?" comment. while i don't really like posting just those and videos, that's all i have in me right now. you're lucky i don't turn this in to a meme-a-palooza just to have posts several times a week. my goal is two posts a week, and even that has been a struggle the last month. i already gave J the business, but those comments are still stinging. so i'm getting this off my chest and out of my brain space. i like having the followers i have. i like making blog/twitter friends even more. however, i don't blog for you. i have never blogged for you. if that's a problem? again, you can show yourself the proverbial door

/rant

let go

sometimes you just need to release it into the universe. doesn't matter what it is; you just gotta let go. i didn't realize how much was wrapped up in my ball of it until tonight

every week in basic counseling we have a lab exercise to help us get comfortable with all the skills we're learning. there are three additional labs to be completed outside of class. i played client tonight for one of my classmates... the week i am all hormonal. the week i am desperately missing my girls. the week we were reminded of all the upcoming assignments and exams... in case you couldn't tell from my last post, i am uber stressed right now. so when i was thinking about what to talk about in our faux session, freaking out about school bubbled to the forefront. all was going well until i started talking about wanting to balance all the things in my life including my friends. then i started thinking about the girls, who i haven't seen in MONTHS. i almost teared up, but we moved in a different direction. thank god. i really didn't want to put that on him. dude this is just practice; i can't be spilling my crazy all over the place like that. we moved along the time management veins some more, and at one point he asked me how i felt. my response? it makes me want to curl up and cry. which is exactly what i want to do right now. right now for no other reason than to cry. because i just need to let go

do you ever get that feeling?

things i don't say

there are things rolling around in my brain that i don't/can't talk about. they're too personal, and i'm just not ready to deal with them...

- it's been 20 months. i barely mention it, even though i think about it at least once a week. InSlut still doesn't even know the full story

- it's S day, but i haven't heard a peep. i don't want to ask the question because i'm terrified of the answer

- A left on sunday, and i've only told two people where he went. one of those people i got in a fight with over it. we haven't really spoken since. not that i care; we weren't close to begin with

...this is why i have my paper journal. except i never write in it. when things are good, i want to share with everyone. i have no need to write it down for just me. when things are bad, i forget it's there. i know i need to write it to sort it out and stop turning it over inside my head. i'm just become so consumed by it. i really ought to remember... before my brain does this

i hate today

it's my birthday. by my standards, i still have 11ish more hours to celebrate since i was an afternoon baby. i'm not going to blog about what i did (nothing) or what i got (tickets to david sedaris from N). instead i am going to fill you in on why this is the awfulest of awful days every year

i warn you now that this will be petty, angsty whining. if you'd rather not get wrapped up in the drama, feel free to swing by later when i post some silly picture, mood inducing video or gushing about my boy...