the freebie five

hahah i love when bloggy friends get silly inspirations. you're getting two posts in one day (cue shocked gasps) because this had to be done. not that jesse and i have ever discussed this. and i'm pretty sure i wouldn't actually act on it. but here, for your ogling pleasure, are my freebie five :) (thanks for the clip link and post idea, amy! i miss friends, too... i should also thank hutch for first putting the thought in my head back in january)

1. brandon boyd - my heart will always swoon over a man who can sing. he's lost a bit of weight recently, but i'd still tap that

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2. sean connery - the original james bond, he's been knighted and he's aged wonderfully. something about the arch of his eyebrow...

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3. patrick stewart - i love accents, what of it? he may only play a captain and a professor, but he's a real knight and a fantastic looking bald man

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4. tyrese - i mentioned singing men, right? plus he looks like he loves his mama and treats her right (heed mr. t's words!). that is always hot

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5. elizabeth hurley - i have such a girl crush on ms. hurley; i think she's simply stunning. if i believed homosexuality was a choice, i'd choose her

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alternates: tyson beckford, cillian murphy in glasses, daniel dae kim, barack obama and devon sawa (for my 13 year old self)

not sure i'd laminate this list, but i don't really see it changing very much in the near future ;) who makes your cut?

i... might?

so i started writing this post back in january, but never really finished my thoughts... i guess... cause i never posted it. now that we're approaching the end of october, my opinions have flipped in the other direction. at some point last year, i developed a fear of commitment. the hypothetical of getting married seemed great, but the sharing of a life was daunting. i have come to terms (mostly) with the great disaster of 2009, which really brought on the "oh my god i may have to put up with this for the next 50 years" thoughts. i am not someone who backs down from or quits a challenge so i really have no intention of getting divorced. i'll kill him before i see a lawyer about getting what's mine after the dust is settled. i may or may not be kidding about that... this little blog started on the heels of the breakup (*squee* next week is my blogaversary) so naturally, i was in that same headspace when i started seeing someone new. over the course of the last 10 months, i've regained myself. i am an individual, but i am part of an us. i love this us, and the future fears that cropped up have been squashed. i know it's only been 10ish months (two of which we haven't been in the same state for). i know he's not really in the boat with me yet. and i know he's going to read this later and make that face. but i don't really care. if he asked me tomorrow, my answer would be yes. because he makes my soul happy

take a bite

you remind me...

it was a whirlwind weekend, and im really sad it's over... especially because it hit me that i won't be seeing InSlut again until may. we didn't get nearly enough time together on sunday, and our schedules just don't sync up in april. as usual, i packed too many people into a too short weekend. i had a lot of fun at HE's sleepover and seeing EH/JS at their new office (eep they're grown ups with jobs and websites and business cards :)). JP was even able to make the open house so we got to catch up a little. after that, i had a hellish drive from fairfax, va to hershey, pa that included an almost death because some asshole in a coach bus wasn't paying enough attention. i was in hershey to watch the bears play along with MM, JM and AS. i invited InSlut along cause he's a hockey fan and it was an easy, small "meet the friends" thing. unfortunately, two people backed out so he didn't get to meet a couple of my closies. the game itself was great (bears won), but there were also some non-game disappointments... naturally, i spent the night at his place instead of heading home, and fun was had by all :) we watched movies, listened to music and talked about seeing russia from the bedroom. while cuddled up in bed, i also realized something...

i don't know where the happy came from, but now it lives with me. i don't have doubts or fears at the forefront of my thoughts. the inner maelstrom, with its bad memories and hurt feelings, seems to be less prevalent. i don't know if it's getting smaller or just easier to ignore. but i do know that when i'm with him, i don't feel lost, hurt, confused or inferior. they've been replaced by feelings of comfort, safety and love...

i feel home




"there's just one thing you should know... i prefer that you keep it"

i will hold you close if you're afraid of heights

because i couldnt post just one :)

what am i so afraid of?

 

"...isn't that what life is made of?"
this video is double awesome cause we were watching supernatural over the weekend lol

just thinkin bout ya...

i can haz boyfriend?

why, yes. yes, i can :p

if you follow me on twitter, then you probably saw yesterday's mini-meltdown right before i left work. don't know what hit me, but i went from fine to almost in tears in a matter of minutes. ashley talked me off the proverbial ledge enough that i could get out of the office before my eyes started leaking. got my very delicious burger and fries (and some fresh sushi for tomorrow) from whole foods, and promptly called Mr. InSlut. for (what feels like) the first time, i was a big girl about my feelings with the person who was directly related to all of it. i rambled and stammered through some nonsense, while depositing a check at the bank (woot for school expense reimbursements) and fighting the urge to devour my dinner in the parking lot of wachovia. he thought my stumbling was cute; he thinks everything i do is cute. i think i'm an insane person who overthinks everything and typically doesn't make sense because all her thoughts come tumbling out of her mouth at once (imagine that sentence with no breath and about 10 octaves too high. yea, that's what i hear in my head). he took it like a trooper (i still don't know how), and we talked the entire way home. i felt a million times better at the end of that 45 minutes... and the conversation kept going

and going

and going

and going

:)

i took a break to talk to HE. we needed to catch up, and she needed a little pep talk, too. i'm very excited for her because when we got off the phone she had an email about an interview :) and i can't wait to see her in a month (ugh a month!) for her birthday. i feel the need to give her a gigantic hug (don't know when i became a huggy person, but it may be permanent)

and then i called InSlut again to continue our silly conversation. he spent the entire night sending me youtube videos of bands i'd never listened to because i eluded to taking him to mayhemfest. plus we had a tool scavenger hunt cause i recalled a video that i'm now not sure ever existed. but he did his best to find it for me :) somehow the quick "i need to spill my brain goo and move on" chat turned into an epic nine hour conversation. i can't remember the last time i talked to anyone for more than an hour or two, especially not someone i talk to every day. and the conversation probably wouldve continued had i not dozed off for a minute lol. i think it helps that he's so passionate about music. there were quite a few rants and a couple musicgasms, which kept me entertained while taking up a good chunk of time... but the most important thing to come out of the conversation is:

we are officially an us

...in case you didn't get that from the title :)

they'll make you paper mache

have i mentioned that i want a tattoo? well i do :) i love body art and have always been a little jealous of people who have any. unfortunately, i have an intense fear of needles, which doesn't lend itself much to navel piercings and mom tattoos. so i've held off for years on doing anything, easily coming up with excuses for myself ("when im thinner" "when im 21" "when i graduate"). well the waiting stops now... or on my birthday really... 2010 is the year of doing. i finally know what i want done and where i want it. basically, it's a graphic representation of my theme song: make yourself by incubus. it embodies everything that i strive to be as a person. it'll live on my inner ankle (most likely left ankle). i told Mr. InSlut about the tat, hinting (not so subtlety) that i wanted him to draw it, and he gave me this :D

 

i LOVE it. the face is my most favorite... this, as it is, will not be the tat. there are a couple of things i want to change, but i am so happy with how this actually turned out. i wasn't sure i'd be able to accurately describe how i pictured it in my head, but he nailed it. i get so excited every time i look at it so im putting it on my wall :)

this wasn't really my valentine's day gift, but it's one of the best things i've ever gotten. april 3rd, 2010 is the day i make it permanent

the unambiguous

i like him. he likes me. these things are facts. we both know it's true. and i'm loving it

NW got snowed in with us (on purpose cause he was lonely and didn't want the cat to eat his face), and part of the weekend was spent deciphering messages from a friend of a friend. he likes her, but she's throwing all sorts of crazy signals. at the beginning, i was convinced she liked him. then he talked to her a few times while here, and it became less definite what she was going for. he finally just asked her out, and her response was less than ideal. she said yes because they "don't know each other very well". in NW's opinion, he may be ladder jumping*. i feel bad for his situation; at the same time, it makes me appreciate the lack of ambiguity in mine

Mr. InSlut** and i are getting along wonderfully. even with our off schedules, we find time to talk almost everyday. i say, "i want to cuddle". he responds, "i is all yerz to cuddle" (yes, he occasionally talks like a southern lolcat :p). he wants to save the stub from the jimmie's chicken shack show because it'll be our first official date. he laughs at my bad jokes, and says silly things that make me smile. i flat out told him that i like him, and he wants to take a step forward

in the process of stepping forward, he cut something loose... the other woman... they were talking before i popped up on Mr. InSlut's radar, but it doesn't seem that it was going very far. she lives a million miles away (he's got a gift for finding long distance ladies) so it was harder to really get anything going. he was the one who felt bad that he was still kinda tied to her at this point. i rarely brought it up because i didn't want to make it an issue. i've got enough going on that i don't need to create drama

but after last week, he's all mine. to mark the occassion, we became facebook friends lol. i've been grinning for days, but that's nothing new :)

*as a woman, i think this theory is bunk :p
**it's official :) did i mention it was A's awesome suggestion? lol

everyone loves a quickie

today's accomplishment: conquering my google reader. after catching up on everyone else, i finally have time to update you on my goings on. well... there ain't much so this won't take long :)

- work: we got notified today that annual bonuses are back on. the company made enough money so they can reward us for making them enough money. woohoo! since i got a title change and a raise last year, my bonus will be pretty decent. too bad a huge chunk will go to uncle sam (super boo). on a downer, my project is on its own little rollercoaster. one day we're chugging along, and then we take a quick dip to finance's issues. while they're thinking of a way to tell us no, we discuss the issue with another department. time for an "oh we handle all of that crap for everyone" loopdeloop. find out that our department will not gain financially from this venture because the equipment now belongs to a different group. ooooh was that a full stop? is the ride over? of course not. we still need to deal with the process. oh look! another dip. turns out corporate has been working to streamline their process with our legacy group's process for the last year. now i have to figure out how to tell my boss that once again this project may not belong to us. i'm gonna do that monday. for now, im getting off the ride

- school: classes started tuesday. biological basis is reading intensive, but there's only exams and 1 short paper (woot). statistics will be mostly a refresher so i'm less worried about it. both my professors seem cool, which is good, and everyone's been super nice. i officially like university of baltimore... i like them so much, i applied to join their group blog. i think it'd be fun, but it's just one more thing i'm trying to add to my crowded plate. what's wrong with me?

- apartment: pants and i are moving. i'm so excited about getting out of glen burnie and that mouse house. we've looked at a bunch of places, and ive narrowed the list to two. theyre about the same cost, roughly the same size and have several features we wanted. pants is going to see the 2nd place this weekend (he had to miss our scheduled visit). i hope he likes it because it's only 10min* from my office. and the company that bought his company has an office that's about 15min* away from this place (his current office is 10min* from our place in GB). if he doesn't like it, i will be sad, but the 2nd place is also good. it's between two major highways (i love that MD is all highways) that'll get us to work in no time :) technically, we put a hold on the 2nd place as a backup, but i'm really hoping pants likes the 1st place and their availability opens up

- le boy: things are going fabulously :D i'm visiting in a few weeks to go see jimmie's chicken shack. plus im using guiltmy feminine charms to get him to visit me. if you don't know what charms i'm using, you need to follow me on twitter ;) boy still needs an appropriate nickname. right now the front runner is "Mr. InSlut"** (oh yea, i would actually capitalize that), partially because i'm a terrible person who treats him like a prostitute. buy a boy burgers and garlic fries, and he'll do anything you want... the only reason this fun doesn't have a label is because i'm holding back. i might have to face facts that he's my not-boyfriend [if it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... but you refuse to acknowledge that you are staring at a fucking duck, it's a not-boyfriend]. even admitting that won't make it true in my head :p

- this weekend: GIRLS WEEKEND! i'm so excited. i'm hanging out with my college besties - JP, H(HF) & E(H). we've made it a point to get together at least once every season. H got first because she and S just bought a house and got a dog. i've got my fingers crossed that we'll see each other a little more often since we're now in a 4hour span instead of 12hour might have to fly instead of drive span. thank you I95 (can't believe i'm admitting that highway is making my life better). as usual, there will be lots of talking, eating, talking, sight seeing, talking and talking :) i can't freaking wait. as soon as i post this, im shutting down my computer, heading home for a quick dinner and then getting on the road. BEST WEEKEND EVER

so that's pretty much what's going on... turns out there's more than i thought :p

*without traffic
**thanks ashley! (the other me in my gmail lol)

crush codenames

since high school, i have nicknamed every crush/boyfriend i've had. it makes it easier to discuss them with friends without being found out. until P, they were all named after candy (snickers, milky way, jollyrancher, etc). [P got a real life petname, which i practically never used] unfortunately, i have yet to give the crush a name, and le boy is not going to work forever. i've used all the candies i actually like so coming up with something good has proven to be daunting. a couple weeks ago, i joked with him that he was going to be known as "busy bee" on my blog, but it doesn't quite fit the way i like... so i'm turning it over to y'all now (you can thank ashley for putting the idea in my head :))

couple things to note:
i don't like traditional nicknames/petnames. im more likely to call him pumpkin tits or something equally ridiculous
i will probably call him this to his face at least twice

about him:
about 6mo older than me (scorpio)
gamer (prefers xbox)
used to play the bass guitar
pittsburgh steelers fan (boo)
works in IT (customer support, wants to shift to networking)
i think he's funny
tall guy :)
likes to draw
good in bed
car guy

likes english bulldogs, but doesn't own a pet
cute and genuinely sweet
has more music than god
says stuff like:

• "i was like... bouncely excited thinking about you coming up again"
• "cheetos look like little wizard staffs.... or very tasty vampire steaks... or a billy club made of cheese"
• "i don't know how i'm gonna live for that long without your flirtatious insluts :P" (he meant insults lol)

he's an amalgam of things i find awesome, which makes it harder to pick a silly name that suits him. so yea... have at it in the comments cause i'm at a total loss :p

ps - le boy is now reading le blog. i thought it'd be weird, but i'm strangely glad about it :)
pps - to le boy, you are not allowed to participate :p

it's bad enough we get along so well...

still trying to keep my emotions (pink fluffy brain goo as erini likes to say) in check, but i lost a little ground today. we've covered that school is primary priority- not an issue. i'm a natural distraction from the smoking habit - lessened issue. my attempt at keeping it casual because i don't think he's long term - fail. i'm in a personal gray area where dating seems logical and long term seems possible. i'm still considering the distance, but it could work in my favor for once. i'll have tons of schoolwork to distract me from the fact i can't see him every minute of everyday. plus i'm going to devise an actual game plan for this semester and include all social stuff. scheduling before i get overwhelmed is better than getting steamrolled by my life (again) :p right now i'm adding le boy (who really needs a nickname) to the social agenda because it's hard to shake a guy who gets me so well

and i'm still enjoying the (semi-bumpy) ride...

weekend recap

spent the weekend with le boy :) i had originally intended to write a full recap of the weekend (friday evening until LATE sunday night). now part of me wants to be secretive (the rest of me is tired). so here's the quick and dirty recap...

we didn't do much, but the weekend was full of fabulous: movies (repo and coraline), music, spooning, HBO specials (Ricky Gervais and the rock and roll hall of fame concert), adult swim, midnight run to sheetz, carlisle diner, burgers at red robin, forking, dualing laptops, comedy clips, talking, geeking over his network, more music, steelers' football, ravens' football (hell yes, wild card) and general cuteness

i love the beginning stage. i don't know what we're doing or where we're going, but i'm totally enjoying the ride :)

ps - no icky ashtray taste :D

thoughts from the shower

so i had a pretty productive wednesday (esp considering i've had 3 really unproductive weeks). i managed to get some work done and get caught up on my blogs :)

i also did some thinking in the shower... it always seems i have my most important thoughts while in the shower or as im falling asleep. so naturally, i was thinking about le boy, and i've come to some conclusions...

1. i absolutely don't want a serious relationship right now. i've got classes starting at the end of january, which MUST be priority #1. also, i really can't deal with a serious commitment to a guy living two hours away. it would drive me batshitcrazy

2. he's really nice, we have similar viewpoints and he makes me giggle. however, i don't see myself ever getting serious about him. though, on the bright side, the negativity does not pervade; whatever issues he's had (has?) seem to be resolved (slash aren't as bad as i was thinking). no fixing for me :D

3. i would not be opposed to getting a little every now and then though. after all, girl's got needs

we'll see how this stance holds after this weekend... uh yea... going to visit the crush tomorrow lol. i'm excited cause i do like hanging out with new people (every now and again), but part of me is worried that i've built this weekend up too much. i already know that he has too so it'll be interesting. regardless of what happens, i'll be starting my year off with an adventure :)

i'm not in love...

...just want your kiss

i think i like you

so i've been emailing back and forth with a guy on okcupid for a couple weeks... and i think i like him. i'm not quite sure what to do with the situation though

he makes me giggle consistently, he's cute and he's not overwhelmed by my bitchybitchin' personality. i would totally make out with him lol. plus i get giddy when i see i have a new email.... i think that equals a crush :p

the downers... because there are always downers... a) he's a smoker. i have a mild allergy to cigarette smoke so i'm always wary around anyone who smokes. plus smokers taste odd, like they've gone stale. i once hooked up with a smoker and kissing him bordered on revolting. i equate it to licking an ashtray that hasn't been cleaned in days. b) he lives two hours away, and i hate long distance relationships. i'm such a bad long distance person that i'm not even sure i would want a casual fling with him. and c) i'm concerned that he's mildly depressed. while i like broken toys, i'm not sure i can handle the situation. i have an innate drive to help in anyway i can, but my need to "fix" things can impede my ability to maintain a relationship with the person. i find it difficult to separate the person from the case, so i start to avoid the case, which drives me a little crazy

the other thing is... i'm not sure if he has a girlfriend. i thought he did so it was easy to keep my heart from going all aflutter. but after the last couple emails, i'm really not sure. which means, now i can flirt shamelessly and start constructing what if scenarios. not good for my delicate dating psyche... i have no idea how to really broach the subject either. i don't want to imply anything and, potentially, freak him out or build his hopes up. i don't want to wind up accusing him of something that was all in my head. and i don't want to misinterpret something because i think we could be friends, if nothing more... ah i'm already starting to overthink the situation. this is officially a crush

save me?

why bother?

it takes me a ridiculous amount of time/energy to write emails, personal and professional. i choose my words very carefully, making sure it all flows together. responding to emails is bad enough, but i get so nervous initiating. professionally, i make it work. plus i get backup from my boss when necessary. personally... sending emails to strangers makes me want to throw up. this is what i get for online dating. i have to throw myself out there on a regular basis, which is incredibly nerve racking to my introverted self. most of the time i get no response. i almost prefer it that way because then i can make up any justification for being ignored. and then i get this:

"Ok you wrote a hell of a message and you're obviously cool and you deserve a reply but sorry."

why even bother, dude? i already think im a lame ass about dating, and you had to reinforce my self-loathing. i had a professor once who insisted we avoid "buts" because the only thing that others focus on is what comes after. damn you, conjunction, you're ruining my day. thanks, guy? i wrote a great message (i still think it was lame), and i'm cool enough to "deserve a reply"? really? fuck that. you aren't interested, and sending me a let down email does not make you a better person. it just makes me feel even more inferior. thanks for that... im trying hard to put myself out there, but shit like this makes me want to crawl under a rock

im glad i didn't read that last night when it came in. i had an awesome conversation with JP (miss her and the girls immensely) and had a very amusing email exchange with an awesome (eligible? not so eligible?) bachelor. both boosted me out of a funk i didnt even know i was in. i was in the best mood the rest of the day... thing is i know im awesome. im ambitious, funny, loyal, attractive, open minded, empathetic... it just takes me a little longer to open up to new people. i hate small talk because i can be horribly awkward. i have no problem talking about what i do, how many people ive slept with, why i love treating myself to coach or cute shoes, why i love psychology, etc. but i practically never stay on the original topic (seriously. desultory should be my middle name). i can also be a little too honest, and i know ive inadvertently offended people in the past. i really dont mean to be disrespectful; i just have a lot of opinions. so sometimes i avoid certain topics because just about anything can lead to a debate, which not everyone is ready for...

ugh. i guess all of that rambling was just to say: take a chance on me...

fabulous weekend...

and an interesting turn of events...

jp came to visit for the weekend, which was awesome. n and i made drinks on fri (because his ex was being a nutter), and jp arrived just in time for a martini. then she and i stayed up talking cause that's what we do :) sat, was spent mostly watching HGTV. [have i mentioned yet that im obsessed with all things relating to home improvements/renovations?] we managed to peel ourselves off the couch to do some shopping (at one of my favorite stores) and get sushi (at kyodai in towson). the day was rounded out by mario kart and so you think you can dance. sun, i took jp to my favorite baltimore dinner (papermoon). anyone who comes to visit will be taken there. consider this your warning :)

after that, jp had to roll out so i spent the afternoon with my mom. DST had their annual jabberwock pagaent. it was my first debutante event, and i greatly enjoyed attending. im not really debutante material, but part of me wishes i'd gotten that sort of showcase when i was in high school... i spent the rest of the afternoon, watching football at the parents' (if by watching, i mean fell asleep because i was exhausted lol). when i got home, n was parked on the couch cleaning out the dvr :p i saw the end of grey's (it's nice to see izzy found her backbone, and bailey/kristina havent lost theirs). then we watched glee :D, the new desparate housewives and last week's project runway... [lol n we should start hosting gay night at n & m's to watch all these with cosmos and commentary]

before i went to bed, i checked my cell for messages... i dont pay much attention since the people who have my number keep in touch in a jillion other ways... i had a new txt from the ex

"i apologize for being irritable and ruining something with a great girl and i just wanted to tell u that"

it's been a month since he left. i accepted the situation, and decided to move forward. i dont know how he's been, but i worried. i think now, he's acknowledging what happened and moving on himself. i responded this morning

"apology accepted"

"thanks...dont worry im not expecting forgiveness or anything or for u to talk to me...just hope that ur happy"

"even w what happened between us, i continue to want the same for you. just remember that you have been loved and, therefore, can be loved again. goodbye"

i dont know why but i think i needed that. the last step, the last word, a final moment with the person i loved... a small part of me still wishes it hadnt played out this way... but the rest of me thinks it was inevitable. looking back on a relationship is difficult, but necessary. i will remember the highs and lows forever. they were there, and they all need to be acknowledged for what they were. at least this way, our parting wont be completely tainted with malice..

well that wasnt what i expected

he responded. it was acceptable...

but now we're in this weird space. do we pursue this? do we just stay friends? do we write it all off as a good try, but never talk to each other again? this is why i hate dating. or even "making new friends". i have all the friends i could possibly need. they're awesome, and im reminded everyday why i keep them. boys on the other hand... i dont even know. i called it a non-date for a reason. "date" puts too much pressure on things that could stand to be less complicated. now it's all fucked up

ugh i should just get a dog and call it a day