disappearing act

after encouraging a friend to restart her blog, i realized i should probably post to my own. almost two months later, a lot of shit has happened. you know i love details and over telling my stories (and there's always a story), but i'll stick to bullet points to keep it easy. i can tell the stories in other posts (help me refind my blog mojo?)

*i took over an audit at work. i'm stressed out and back to working ridiculous hours to make up for when i'm "out"

*i'm using an insane amount of vacation in preparation of leaving my job. not that i've applied elsewhere... yet... took a week off for my birthday, which got interrupted. taking off extra time to live it up in vegas

*bossman and a coworker left the business. hence why i have this damn audit and less support. my other coworker was moved to a different team; her boss is trying to get the shit we manage off her plate. dunno what that will mean for me, but i seriously hope every task doesn't fall back to me

*i've been interning like crazy. my clients are all over the place. my interventions are, too. i'm trying similar things with different people with varying success. it's been a great experience though

*i'm winding down my time at my internship and started prepping my clients for my departure. one who i find particularly difficult hugged me and thanked me for how much i've helped. i'm still shocked

*i didn't take my boards in april, which is why i'll be leaving my site instead of staying as a pt employee. fucking date change. now i'm scheduled to sit for the exam in october

*i wouldn't have been able to take boards even without the date mixup. cause i spent the month of april pledging. i'd tell you which sorority, but i'm trying to keep them off my blog. it's not always sisterly, and i refuse to give it up or censor myself. FUCK that

*i have a new twitter for the same reason. i'm keeping @mcschoon as my main twitter space; @aceschoon is the scrubbed version. might take it in a more professional direction at some point

*i'm nearing the end of another semester. it's been one of the busiest with a ridiculous amount of reading from one class. i should be working on one of the many assignments i have due this week. per usual

*i'm taking a summer class with my favorite prof. then i'm taking three classes in the fall. ugh to being full time, including paying for that shit and the increased time consumption. BUT it'll be my last ever semester of grad school. i. can't. wait

*oh yea, and i moved. pants and i are no longer codependent roomie besties. we're just codependent besties who never see each other cause i'm always working. the move was stressful, and i'm totally gonna yelp about it

*i had my five year anniversary at work. i picked out an exercise ball as my gift. i've used it once, and i'm not sure i like it. glad it was free

*i still haven't finished unpacking from the move because of all the pledging, interning and auditing. i did find my old journal though; there are some real gems in it. weird how much has changed... and how much hasn't... since i was 14

*i gained five pounds. stress eating, choosing poorly and just generally overdoing it. thinking i'm pretty hideous at the moment. trying to get back on the wagon and reframe my negative self images... while eating a pint of karamel sutra...

*my brother comes home this week, but i won't see him until after vegas. he's been oversees for 18 months, and he gets two weeks of leave. that's some bullshit. at least we get to celebrate his birthday together this time

remembering all the shit that's happened is really hard. reason why i should blog more often? probably. now, about those homework assignments....

little rejections

i am continually amazed by bloggers who can bare their souls and build amazing bonds with other bloggers. they form these relationships that can rival any "real life" friendship, past and present. they constantly build their own communities and support systems. and i am constantly jealous

which is dumb

because i actively and passively cut myself off from that potential. i share just enough. i support just enough. i open the door to my heart just a hair because letting people in terrifies the shit out of me. sunday, a dog broke my heart, and i'm still upset. i can rationalize why she still doesn't trust me, but it hurts nonetheless. what the hell am i supposed to do when it's people?

it's difficult for me to make friends though i have a lot. i can only think of 1 friend i actually made my entire life. sometimes it's hard to feel connected to friends, even when i'm not being guarded. because, deep down, i'm 95% sure everyone hates me. no matter how hard i try, what i do or how i act. they just don't wear their disdain out in the open like diva dog

someone of sound mind

this song will always have relevance

unmoored

i'm lost... or at least, i have lost part of me

in all the coursework, experiences and feedback, i have lost my sense of myself as a counselor. i've become so bogged down in learning the skills and forgotten that i already have natural skill. giving everything a name seems to have shifted me in a negative direction. i find myself struggling more and more, when i should be finding my groove. i understand that all of this is supposed to focus me and enhance my craft. but all its done is cloud my view

i was reading a case study that could have been about someone i know. it could almost have been about me. i understood the client before her therapist did. i understood where she was coming from before my classmates did. not to say that i am better than him or them, but that i have an important perspective many don't. that perspective gets kicked around when we start using our fancy terms and theories

i didn't come into this field because people told me i'm a great listener. i didn't have every friend coming to me for help and advice. i didn't fall into this in the middle of my college career because human behavior randomly started to interest me

i did fall into psychology ungracefully, a gifted kid afforded the privilege of advanced experiences. but i've always wanted to help in some capacity. and i've always been drawn to psychology in ways i didn't understand (who, at 11, is trying to make a case for why her brother's trained psychiatrist was a blithering idiot about diagnosis and treatment? oh, and i was right? TAKE THAT). i found psychology at 13. i briefly, post college, put it on hold to pursue a field i thought would be complementary. psychology called me home again. this is who i am. this is who i have always been

i know this. i just need to pull my lost parts out of the ensuing fog

peek a boo

y'all know how i like to disappear every now and again cause my plate is always too full ;) well, i haven't been completely out of it this time. in case you missed me, i blogged over at colorful calm for the wonderful maria. if you don't know her, you definitely should. scoot on over to check out my post (especially the introverts), the other guest bloggers and maria's internet space. my biased opinion is that you won't be disappointed :)

serving more

participated in a king holiday community service project today through UB. we helped a local organization clean up one of the many forgotten areas of baltimore: oliver. this day has made me think of a lot so i thought i'd jot down some reminders (and tips) for participating in community service

- wear comfy clothes with pockets and good shoes
- if you're working outside, remember to layer appropriately for the cold or heat
- you are not thor. ask for help moving and lifting things
- be courteous and polite to your fellow volunteers
- remember that people are still people even when brought together to do some good
- be patient
- if you're doing trash cleanup, wear thick gloves
- you have access to soap, water and laundry
- there is at least one person who will appreciate what you're trying to do
- you are returning to warmer environments, but for some warmth is a luxury
- still enjoy that deliciously hot bath and hot tea
- manual labor is free exercise [one of our group mentioned this heh]
- you know when you've reached your true limit and need to take a break
- your muscles will recover from the extra exertion
- remember that you wanted to be more involved in the community
- you can't pick up every minute broken unwanted thing, but you sure as hell shouldn't walk away without trying
- this is just a first step

now that some parts of my life are slowing down, i'm hoping to increasingly involve myself in service projects. it's one of the many reasons i'm pledging DST (oh, yea. that's happening). i always want to give back, and now i finally have the ability to do more than give money :)

now excuse me as a crawl into bed with bengay ;)

2013 goals

and then i figured it out at 1am

i have five overarching goals i plan to focus on this year

financial: stick to a budget to work on paying down debt
physical: focus on food and fitness to drop weight
physical: take care of the little things to prevent health issues
mental: make time for myself and people in my life
professional: grow as a counselor in and out of session

my crazy list of 30 specific goals fit snuggly under these umbrellas, which, organizationally, makes my life much saner :)

yes, i said 30... one of which i'm already failing at. boo. i'll spare you the details because i'm trying not to look completely type a for a change. i'm deleting my goal tracker since it's not really helping. instead, i'm putting everything in my planner. crossing things off seems more fun than checking off boxes. plus i can interject little rewards on the list to keep myself motivated

a bit of my usual initial motivation is creeping in. i'm excited to work on things now that a plan is starting to gel. i just need to do better at not slipping into sustained slumps. i have a lot of great support (thanks, all of you!!!). i'm just terrible at using that support to help me through rough patches. maybe i should make that #31 ;) for now, i'm off to attack my planner. woohoo!

goal setting

so i sat down and copied all the goals i've had over the last few years. not that i needed to since they never really change. health, finances, academics and work. no matter what i do, i always have the same focuses, the same amount of success and the same setbacks

so at what point do i concede that there are goals that i simply cannot meet?

well, if you know anything about me at this point, the answer is never. mentally, i want to push that much harder to accomplish everything. the problem is when my motivation begins to fade. i only do well when i'm competing with someone else. oddly, i have very little inner motivation (at least not consistently), but i am fiercely competitive. i know i've stagnated in my growth as a person in some aspects because of this. there is no competition in counseling or at my job. there is only me halfheartedly striving to improve. or just prove in some cases. having just read nicole's post on why we shouldn't be comparing ourselves to everyone else, i'm feeling a bit lost. comparing myself has been my biggest motivator over the last few years. what am i going to do if i let that go?

*sigh* what the fuck is wrong with me?

...i'm going to set these goals. not just for the next month, but for the next year. i'm just not sure how i'm going to break down attacking the goals and staying motivated. that'll be part of the next phase i guess. woohoo planning. the only thing i'm truly good at doing :p

kicking things off

i keep opening this box to blog, but there are too many things swirling in my brain. none of which are terribly interesting or "blogworthy"

- i graduated a few weeks ago, and i'm still waiting on my actual diploma. i kinda hate that they weren't printed for the day of the ceremony. i believe in immediacy, bitches. i think it'll arrive in the next couple weeks though. then i'm gonna get that motherfucker framed for my not office

- i'm equal parts excited and nervous about moving in a couple months. found places i like; sorting out what i'm willing to pay. also hinges on who will be living with me later in the year. pants and i are getting divorced. lol i love that we're calling it a divorce since he's my gay husband. but it's totally ridiculous to me how much our friends are freaking out. we're fully capable of living apart. plus we couldn't live together forever. it's like the world is ending for everyone, but us. reassuring people has been amusing and inane. our divorce party is going to be awesome though

- interning is going ok. i'm a wee frustrated since some of my clients are terrible at rescheduling. i did pick up a few new cases, but haven't made much progress with my previous ones. i'm learning to let it go though. this is their treatment. if clients/parents don't want to come, it's not on me to beg them to come get help. in the meantime, i don't have to make up as many hours for work this month. woohoo not working every sunday

those are the highlights on my radar. i don't really feel like thinking through 2012 or setting goals for 2013 just yet. though i may soon. my life is better with goals and schedules. i already have half that equation sorted out. just need to spend some time thinking about what i want from this year... for now, i'm gonna crawl into bed and play some epic mickey

xmas 2012

heh sad that my first post in weeks is about my holiday gifties, but i do love documenting what i get each year. helps me organize my list for next year :)

bath & body works - forever red
carol's daughter hair products
the closer seasons 4-6
hunger games boxed set
heroes for my son
the wire boxed set
lego harry potter
epic mickey: power of illusion
sex & the city perfume
johnny walker black
"people i want to punch in the face" journal
meat thermometer
woodberry kitchen gift card

after opening presents all morning (well the first hour we were all awake ;)), mom and i made breakfast. then we had to haul a bunch of stuff to my place because the oven had a malfunction christmas eve. at least that was what we were told by my ridiculous father. we spent a few hours cooking, baking and watching auntie mame in the peace. we repacked christmas dinner and headed back to the house... to find my father had put the damn turkey in the oven to keep warm and everyone had eaten a late lunch. i maxed out my level of frustration. so i spent the rest of the evening drinking and talking to mom. i also made friends with my sister's dog. she's jumpy around people, but we're making progress through belly scratches. i finished my night with the preacher's wife with the madre. christmas continued today with a few more xmas movies, leftovers and a too short nap

i love being on vacation