2013 goals: midyear update

i have so many unfinished posts floating around in here. one of these days, i will finish one. the one i started saturday night is definitely an important one for me. it's also going to be a really hard post to create. but on to something less difficult: my goals

i finally sat down yesterday (no choice when you're trapped in a car for 12 hours) and reassessed. i deleted, updated and condensed. my goal areas, of course, haven't changed (professional development, physical & mental health and financial management), but now i have 15 goals - some specific, some general. all focused on improving and growing. one step towards accomplishing or at least moving in the direction of my goals is to let my planning go *shudder* which is so tough

the last few weeks have highlighted a lot of things for me. one of which is my strong "need" to plan and my complete lack of follow through. so i am stepping back from my hyper regimented life. having a plan is helpful, but i waste WAY too much time plotting out details. i'm too mentally exhausted to actually do anything. i truly can't continue living like this so i am going to try doing things differently. we'll see how it all goes...

2013 goals

and then i figured it out at 1am

i have five overarching goals i plan to focus on this year

financial: stick to a budget to work on paying down debt
physical: focus on food and fitness to drop weight
physical: take care of the little things to prevent health issues
mental: make time for myself and people in my life
professional: grow as a counselor in and out of session

my crazy list of 30 specific goals fit snuggly under these umbrellas, which, organizationally, makes my life much saner :)

yes, i said 30... one of which i'm already failing at. boo. i'll spare you the details because i'm trying not to look completely type a for a change. i'm deleting my goal tracker since it's not really helping. instead, i'm putting everything in my planner. crossing things off seems more fun than checking off boxes. plus i can interject little rewards on the list to keep myself motivated

a bit of my usual initial motivation is creeping in. i'm excited to work on things now that a plan is starting to gel. i just need to do better at not slipping into sustained slumps. i have a lot of great support (thanks, all of you!!!). i'm just terrible at using that support to help me through rough patches. maybe i should make that #31 ;) for now, i'm off to attack my planner. woohoo!

goal setting

so i sat down and copied all the goals i've had over the last few years. not that i needed to since they never really change. health, finances, academics and work. no matter what i do, i always have the same focuses, the same amount of success and the same setbacks

so at what point do i concede that there are goals that i simply cannot meet?

well, if you know anything about me at this point, the answer is never. mentally, i want to push that much harder to accomplish everything. the problem is when my motivation begins to fade. i only do well when i'm competing with someone else. oddly, i have very little inner motivation (at least not consistently), but i am fiercely competitive. i know i've stagnated in my growth as a person in some aspects because of this. there is no competition in counseling or at my job. there is only me halfheartedly striving to improve. or just prove in some cases. having just read nicole's post on why we shouldn't be comparing ourselves to everyone else, i'm feeling a bit lost. comparing myself has been my biggest motivator over the last few years. what am i going to do if i let that go?

*sigh* what the fuck is wrong with me?

...i'm going to set these goals. not just for the next month, but for the next year. i'm just not sure how i'm going to break down attacking the goals and staying motivated. that'll be part of the next phase i guess. woohoo planning. the only thing i'm truly good at doing :p

time for change

i have things i want to say, and i continually don't say them. i have nothing to say, and i stare at this little box looking for something. lack of motivation. lack of time. lack of interest. forgetfulness. getting overwhelmed... the semester is speeding up and winding down at the same time. five assignments (including finals) and two weeks left. i'm disappointed in the quality of one class; i'm kind of sad my other class is ending. which is which surprises me given my feelings going into this semester

i have this massive to do list. it includes work, school and misc personal stuff i want/need to accomplish in the next few weeks. it's freaking me out, but going into each day with no plan freaks me out more. i hate getting to this point in the semester. i let things overwhelm me and pile up. then the pile up overwhelms me further, and i shut down. i've been shut down since october :( i planned out my november so that i could get back on course. i squandered all my waking hours playing online games. i wanted to read a book over the holiday weekend. i got as far as opening it on my kindle. i managed to complete two of three class assignments yesterday. only the two that were due yesterday. i now have four chapters to read for one class. the four i wanted to have read two weeks ago so that i could start focusing on final prep

i always have a game plan. i just suck at follow through. i am incredibly organized, and i let all my effort go to waste. i need to knock it off

this is my "i'm disappointed in you" speech to self. i cannot keep beating myself up for slacking. too much is at stake, and this berating just becomes more wasted time. i say, "i will start doing better today" every single day. today it needs to be true. as soon as i post this, i'm going to jump on a personal thing from my list while i eat breakfast. i worked from home yesterday so i'm going to check my email before i pack up my laptop. when i get to the office, i'm going to read the two chapters i should've had read for the last two weeks. if i finish before five, i'll try to get caught up on a few blogs. when i get home, i'll work on clearing out the tivo

this is my plan to get my shit together. it's time to start executing

getting it together

this week has been driving me crazy. to start, i freaked out the other day about my finances. i'm still paying off my last minute trips to georgia, and i just got slapped with a $1500 estimate for car maintenance. the one item i absolutely need is the most expensive on the list, which i most certainly can't cover right now. although, the guy who wrote up the estimate put in the wrong quantities for a couple items so i had to recalculate. i think i might run by when my girl is working to get a proper one done. it's still gonna cost my first born, but at least i'll have all the right info

my first instinct was to take care of my car and not put money in my savings. this is when i really started to lose my shit. all of my savings goals are carefully calculated. i'm already not sure i'll meet my "quitting my job to be a full time intern for a semester" goal, but that's only one of five goals that i am actively working on. there are seven others on hold. i am a saving fiend! one of those current goals is for a new car at the end of the year. forsake the new baby for my old lady? um... um... no? but then i'll be giving the car back to my mom in double crappy condition. she also needs some major body work done. i usually treat my things very nicely, but i could never afford to have the damage fixed. and i refuse to let my mom pay for it. so i'd like to at least have her regular maintenance taken care of; i'll figure out the body work some other time. i know i can give the car back with the understanding that i would have her fixed up over time. i just dunno if i wanna do that. and mom still doesn't know what she wants to do with the car

so i started thinking about my budget options. looking at my debts and living expenses to see if there's anywhere i could squeeze some extra cash for car expenses. not unless i want to pay the absolutely minimum on my debts. uh no *sigh* i need an extra paycheck, but that just ain't happening. on the upside though, i realized i might be able to get my credit cards paid off sooner if i made a few small adjustments. double nice because i want to close one of the accounts after i get the car. i need the credit history for now, but i'm really not liking the issuing company. two days later, i'm feeling much more confident about the new plan to take care of business financially, staying within my current means

making better budget plans led to a new homework plan. i have a million pages of reading each week plus a video to process and workbook pages to complete. i constantly feel like i'm going in too many directions, and i haven't been able to keep up. this is week three, and i was still catching up on reading from week one. no bueno. so i sat down with my syllabus and planner to figure out what the fuck was going on. instead of focusing on catching up, i also looked at the next two weeks. basically, what needs to be done through the end of the month. instead of trying to read as much as possible during a certain block of time, i gave myself one assignment per day. narrowing my focus to avoid "i'm such a procrastinator" frustration. i walked into work wed with every intention of reading a chapter because i normally have nothing to do. instead i had my second panic of the week...

last week, my team informed me that they hadn't, as yet, found what we were looking for in this audit. really not good. i had a file on wed of what had been researched so far. i opened it and immediately ignored it. ugly spreadsheets make my head hurt. instead i putzed around online for a couple hours. wed is my short day so putting off work until 2pm was not my brightest idea. i spent the next two and a half hours trying to make sense of the file and freaking out. i was pretty sure my team was confused about a certain point. however, i was convinced i was also missing something important. not having an inkling of what it was, i couldn't formulate a question to pose to my POC. so i put it off until yesterday. i spent most of the day refreaking out over the file before i just gave up. i sent a note back to my team to clear up the confusion. i could wait another day to see if i could sort through what we could possibly be missing...

in the midst of all that work insanity, guess what didn't get done. my fucking homework. frustrated, agitated and convinced i was gonna give myself an ulcer before the week was out. by some miracle of awesomeness, i got the two chapters i wanted to read done with plenty of time for other stuff. i even dozed off for a minute last night halfway through the chapter. new plan of attack might actually be working. it probably helps that last night's business meeting was cancelled. i had a couple extra hours to play with... i walked in today to a response from my team and my boss. i touched base with my POC, and i think all is ok. we may be missing a piece, but it's not vital to the audit. i've checked all my usual time wasters this morning and even spent some time looking at car dealerships. dude i want to work with hasn't responded to my inquiry yet so i'm searching for a potential replacement. i'm very selective about who i do business with. i need to find someone i feel comfortable with who isn't going to harass the shit out of me until i buy something...

i hate these occasional panics, but i just might be in a better position because of them. today, i've got my shit together, and i'm ready to face the next stretch head on. now i'm gonna go make my lunch and start this next chapter. should be a good one; it's conduct disorders :)

saving some tatas

N and i are participating in the susan g. komen 3day walk for the cure in october. as participants, we've been asked to raise money to help fund the foundation's research efforts and community programs. our team's current goal is $10,000; my personal goal is $3000. so i'm coming to you, little blog group. i need to raise at least $16 per day from now until the event; that's less than a dollar per day from everyone following me. i know we're all still recovering from the recession, and we like our little luxuries. so i'm not going to guilt you into giving me money. but i would greatly appreciate if you would at least consider donating. if you'd like to contribute, you can donate on my personal page, over the phone (800-996-3DAY) or by using the handy box below (and in my sidebar)

if you can't donate to the walk, please consider signing up with the army of women. they're looking to match up as many individuals (women and men) with breast cancer research studies as they can. admittedly, most of the studies focus on women who have been diagnosed with cancer. however, there are currently two studies (one quick, one long term) that do not require this; i'm participating in both. and new studies are started every week(ish) so you never know when one will apply to you or someone you know

in the us, one person is diagnosed with breast cancer every three minutes. i'm doing what i can to help reduce that number and to aid in more individuals becoming survivors. i hope that you can help in some way, too

day 31: resolution

from gwen bell's best of 2009 challenge: "Resolution you wish you'd stuck with. (You know, there's always next year...)"

i didn't set a bunch of resolutions for 2009. i've never really believed in them, but set a few for 2008. of course, i don't remember what they were, and i didn't follow through with any. so, for 2009, i decided to just be better: a better employee, a better friend, a better activist, a better daughter, a better whatever

there are things i would like to change about myself, but i'm mostly happy with who i am as a person. it took me years to realize that who i am is not a bad person, and people will actually like me for being me. so i don't want to mess too much with the awesome. instead, i am going to continue to just be better: a better student, a better blogger, a better adventurer....

a better me

*little J took this photo of me (sans flash) last week