at least, not entirely. it's not the life i thought i'd be living by now...
as my last couple weeks of 29 wind down, i randomly reflect on my life - where i've been, where i am and where i'm going. it definitely isn't the picture i thought i'd be constructing at this stage of the game. some days, i'm ok with this. some days, i want to cry into my pillow and never leave bed again ever
is this the struggle of overly ambitious people? is this just what happens with middle age milestones?
whatever it is, i don't like it. i was completely unconcerned about this birthday until a month ago. neal sent me a silly teasing text as he usually does. and it stung. a lot. i almost cried. completely out of the ordinary for me. this oscillation between "FUCK 30" and "FUCKYEA 30"... oh god. just writing those words was a jab in the heart. literally, just sunk back in my chair like someone punched me... the oscillation makes me question my own emotions. i'm constantly putting on a front of whatever cause i don't know what's happening internally
i earned my MS in 2012 and joined an illustrious organization in 2013.
four of my friends are getting married this year. FOUR.
i'm another step closer to licensure and working two jobs i adore.
two of my friends are having their second children this year. one is having her first.
i own my own car and am on track to repay my loan early
my best friend bought a house this month
for every success, i'm reminded of the things i've put off - for myself and because of others. i'm horribly impatient with life; i think that's always been clear. but it's also occasionally imposed impatience. i've reached the point when people ask big questions about my life. i'm tired of smiling and saying "no" to most. playing off the fact that my stalled life weighs heavy on my heart. pretending like i'm not angry and frustrated. ignoring my internal clock that has been ticking for two years. i already had my own shit rolling around in my head, and now i've internalized additional pressure from all these people
i know i shouldn't let other people dictate my life, especially people who don't know me. i know i shouldn't compare myself to everyone. i also know how fucking hard it is to let go when i identified my life plan at age 13. i know my passions. i know what i want, and i'm not asking for much. i'm tired of waiting for the pieces to fall into place, as determined by someone other than myself
i'm going to be 30, and i'm releasing the brake. this is not my life, but it's going to be
Posts
