why bother?

it takes me a ridiculous amount of time/energy to write emails, personal and professional. i choose my words very carefully, making sure it all flows together. responding to emails is bad enough, but i get so nervous initiating. professionally, i make it work. plus i get backup from my boss when necessary. personally... sending emails to strangers makes me want to throw up. this is what i get for online dating. i have to throw myself out there on a regular basis, which is incredibly nerve racking to my introverted self. most of the time i get no response. i almost prefer it that way because then i can make up any justification for being ignored. and then i get this:

"Ok you wrote a hell of a message and you're obviously cool and you deserve a reply but sorry."

why even bother, dude? i already think im a lame ass about dating, and you had to reinforce my self-loathing. i had a professor once who insisted we avoid "buts" because the only thing that others focus on is what comes after. damn you, conjunction, you're ruining my day. thanks, guy? i wrote a great message (i still think it was lame), and i'm cool enough to "deserve a reply"? really? fuck that. you aren't interested, and sending me a let down email does not make you a better person. it just makes me feel even more inferior. thanks for that... im trying hard to put myself out there, but shit like this makes me want to crawl under a rock

im glad i didn't read that last night when it came in. i had an awesome conversation with JP (miss her and the girls immensely) and had a very amusing email exchange with an awesome (eligible? not so eligible?) bachelor. both boosted me out of a funk i didnt even know i was in. i was in the best mood the rest of the day... thing is i know im awesome. im ambitious, funny, loyal, attractive, open minded, empathetic... it just takes me a little longer to open up to new people. i hate small talk because i can be horribly awkward. i have no problem talking about what i do, how many people ive slept with, why i love treating myself to coach or cute shoes, why i love psychology, etc. but i practically never stay on the original topic (seriously. desultory should be my middle name). i can also be a little too honest, and i know ive inadvertently offended people in the past. i really dont mean to be disrespectful; i just have a lot of opinions. so sometimes i avoid certain topics because just about anything can lead to a debate, which not everyone is ready for...

ugh. i guess all of that rambling was just to say: take a chance on me...