August 24, 2011

anniversary of sorts

i find it slightly amusing and highly fascinating how my favorite bloggers tend to write around the same times on the same themes. this week/weekend there's been chatter about life direction, goals and where everyone is. erini wrote about obstacles and apprehension. ardith wrote about having direction without specific focus. and emily wrote about how every choice we make helps shape who we are. last night, neal and i saw uncle vanya. it was well performed (hello! cate blanchett and hugo weaving! *dies*), but i'm still muddling over it's meaning. what i took from it is that our choices can trap us in incredibly wonderful or incredibly tragic patterns of "living". the best we can do is continue living, happy or not

i've been thinking over the last few days how happy i've been with recent decisions and where my life is. i'm absolutely not where i thought i would be at the age of 13. i had an entire life plan including a marriage, a baby and a doctoral program. i should be working on my thesis and my 2nd baby. i should be living in an adorable little house with its fenced in yard and overgrown puppy in the back. i had such lofty dreams and zero obstacles

the reality was several missteps, wrong turns and disastrous decisions. i was going to detail it all, but i hate dwelling on 2007-2009. most of my life is back on course these days. the one remaining thing that's bogging me down is my job. this morning i woke up kinda meh, but i'm getting more irritable by the minute. i cannot fully express to you how much i despise this place. i'm acutally hoping for daily earthquakes (minor ones, not crazy disaster movie/CA regular sized ones) so i can leave work early more often. last week, walking into work after nearly two weeks off was excruciating. there was/is literally no place i want to be less than here in this office

today is a reminder of all the things i dislike about my life and the decisions i've made. i've been here for four years exactly. six months as a contractor; the rest as an employee. i have a purpose and direction outside this job. i'm working on fulfilling my dreams. yet i'm trapped in this one thing that makes me miserable for approximately 40 hours a week. i'm plotting my escape (16 more months), but it's not enough. why do i stay? because the job pays better than i could get elsewhere. because the hours are flexible enough for me to stay in grad school. because i don't want just another throw away job when i leave here

i believe that everything happens for a reason. i believe that we must actively work to change things we don't like about our lives and ourselves. i believe i am on the right path to the goals i've had for half my life. i just wish the damn road wasn't so difficult to navigate and full of one way streets