May 13, 2011

we climb

shit did not go well. i think i did well on my finals, but i don't know if i did well enough to get off the chopping block. one of my work projects (the icky huge one) got pulled off my plate, but will be replaced with other craziness. jesse's situation... is far worse than i could have imagined. let's focus on that last one cause i need to process. it's too much to explain the whole debacle, and it's really not my story to tell. what i can say is that tuesday happened, and i did my best to redirect his focus afterwards. not that the whole thing went against us (yes, us, even though it's his hell) because his family is dumb as bricks, but the big main important thing did. we're going to deal with it. wednesday was all about putting out fires, which i'm good at. unfortunately, there were a few more explosions yesterday. and i lost it. after our business meeting, neal and i ended up talking until 2am. mostly, me talking and crying. i'm so stressed and worried, but i don't want to put that back on jesse. he's still dealing with his own emotions. because i am who i am, i was focusing on his emotions, too, instead of thinking about myself. i rarely think about my emotional well being in the midst of a crisis; that's why i'm good in the midst of a crisis. but this is too much.

being reminded that i cannot save people by taking on their problems as my own... helpful and annoying. i've already placed a limit on what i can do. not that jesse has asked for anything beyond that limit or that i think he will. it's a limit on myself. because i want to just make it all go away, which is not really what anyone needs in the long run. after that talk, i'm exhausted as hell. not just because i only got five hours of sleep, but because i'm emotionally drained. i don't have much left in me to offer at the moment. however i still have a bit of determination left. as i've said a couple times in the last week: you have to have hope; hope drives determination. i still have a bit of hope that this is not forever. it's hard to see right now, but i know it will get better. it won't happen today. it won't happen tomorrow. but deep down, i know it will change. we just need to survive the next two weeks. and even though my emotional resources are tapped, i know that all is not forsaken. but with that determination came a bit more anger

i'm angry with jesse for being the world's doormat and allowing some of this shit to happen repeatedly. i'm angry because he doesn't always do what he says he will in order to make things better, even minimally

i'm furious with scott for being a dillhole and taking advantage of jesse's weaknesses. i wish every horrible thing ever to befall him in the near future

and i'm angry with myself for trying to live jesse's life for him. i''m not much better than anyone else because i steamroll right over him when i think he's doing it wrong. i don't listen as much as i should, and i often refuse to accept his constraints. i have high expectations, but sometimes they're excessive. i honestly forget that he's not me and i'm not him

i do believe that jesse is better than he gives himself credit. i do believe that he can make any change that he wants with enough time and support. i do believe that our lives today will not be our lives forever. i wouldn't be with him if i thought otherwise. it won't happen overnight, but it will happen. he has me, and i'm fucking hardheaded and spoiled. baby gets what baby wants? no fucking duh. i don't know if we've hit bottom yet because the floor keeps dropping out. i've decided i don't care about bottom. if this isn't bottom, i'm not waiting around for it to be bottom. today is the first day. now, we climb