March 28, 2012

brain dump

i work four jobs: FT at the evil corporation, PT/FT for MKN (depending on how you look at it), PT student with PT internship. this doesn't even include homework (because i haven't been doing it...). my brain! she is unhappy :(

i'm currently sitting at the office (job #1) waiting to see if a particular mini crisis has finally been resolved. i seem to be in a fight with IT (because they're fucking dumb), but my solution may cause other issues. i was only going to put in an extra hour, but now i'm staying til 7p to be sure. i'm at the internship/class all day so i won't be back in office until friday. and then i'm off until wednesday (yay birthday). i'm kinda freaking out because this shit is now on me to fix even though it's fucking IT's fucking fault. i'm equal parts irritated and upset. i've had nothing else to do since about 130. so instead of reading for class, i was job searching for jesse. something i wanted to do quickly consumed several hours of the day. par for the mother fucking course

this is not anything new. i have time here and there. big giant chunks of it. yet... my brain! she doesn't want to do the necessary, only the distracting. and even some distractions don't get done. i skipped twookclub on sunday because i hadn't read this month's book (extremely loud and incredibly close). i really wanted to read it, but i just didn't. reading for fun is supposed to be part of my self care this semester. fail. i also don't seem to be sleeping properly. again with the giant chunks of wasted time. my eye has been twitching for weeks because i'm so exhausted. i could fall asleep anytime anywhere, but i'm up until midnight (or later). sometimes i'm working because my official FT job schedule is wonky. sometimes i'm just piddling around. regardless, i'm constantly on the verge of falling asleep except at a reasonable time

part of me keeps wondering how did i do so well last semester and fall so hard this time around? my classes are relatively easier, and i am doing extremely well in both, considering. yet i'm a ball of stress, and i keep making my situation worse. i feel guilty even writing this blog post when i could've read a few pages for class. i would've felt guilty if i didn't write this blog post because i miss blogging and interacting with the internets (is anyone even still reading?). i can't win, and i'm slowly going crazy...

this could also be mostly hormones talking. fucking pms