10.9.12

the last few days have been crazy

- whirlwind weekend in tucson. bridal shower by the pool. naps & bouquet making. awesome food at rehearsal dinner. beautiful wedding. handful of mishaps. more good food and drinks. harassing the groomsman. fun after party. crazy sleep thanks to jet lag. brunch, booze by the pool and bbq. watching football throughout the day. another breakfast. more lounging by the pool. trip to an historical catholic mission. being a security risk. catching a few minutes of MNF. great conversations and a good movie flying home

- couldn't really get myself going this morning so i was a bit late to work. missed a meeting scheduled while i was out. cause i was seriously gonna jump on a call at 930 after a four day weekend. found out later that bitch from last week basically ignored my email. shocking. i'm furious and unsure how we proceed, but we sure as hell aren't going to be doing what she asked

- kinda freaking out schedule-wise. need to address the work issue plus work on my actual work project tomorrow after my chiro appointment. but dr. e just asked me to drop by to sit in on a new intake. so i have to cut my appointment short to meet her midday. meanwhile, i'm supposed to have a client at 6p and need to go to campus to handle some client notes. running up and down the highway when i need to be talking with my coworker and boss really isn't what i wanted to do with my day. at least the mkn stuff i may be able to put off til thursday. though i wanted to get some of that resolved before my next weekend away

so much for my post mini vacation happiness

one year

"do you know what today is?" "um... track starts at the olympics?" "no. what's today?" "..." "..." "oh... it's been a year..." "yea" "or you know it was a year yesterday" "..." lol

conversation with the madre last friday. grandma's been gone a year. i kinda forgot; she got the date wrong. we were both trying not to think about it. it's a little sad, but you do what you have to to get through the day. today was also significant. it's one year from the day i said goodbye for the last time. not as tough as i was anticipating though

i have teared up a few times at random moments over the year, but mostly it's been ok. i still miss her, and i know i always will. but i definitely haven't cried like i did the first couple months. more often, memories of her make me smile

a smile and some sass. best gifts granny ever gave me :) <3

mother hen

i'm a worrier. i worry about just about everything, stressing myself out on a regular basis. favorite thing to worry about? my friends and family. i worry about the big things and the little things. my heart skips a beat when bad things happen in their lives. i hold my breath waiting for the "made it home safely" texts after fun weekends together. i desperately want to shield them from the mean and hurtful things that can be thrown in their directions. but i remember that they are amazing people who can hold their own whatever may happen. life may try to slap them around, but life's gonna get a throat punch in return..... well, for the majority of my friends. there are a few that i worry extra for. they take things a bit harder because it seems they are less prepared for the world. they constantly reject helpful information they requested. they put themselves in the same situation repeatedly because they don't want to learn. they world seems extra cruel to them for shits and giggles. but i never know if that cruelty is an exaggeration or misperception. it's hard to fathom that things can be that horrible all the time. i do my best to encourage and support, even though it feels pointless sometimes. that's what makes me who i am. i refuse to give up on them no matter how many times they run into the wall. i keep my hopes high that things will finally click; i keep my heart open to continually pick them up. i do get frustrated sometimes and keep shit to myself. my other option is to drop them like a bad cable provider, which i'm not yet willing to do. and now i worry that this day is just around the corner because sometimes enough has to be enough. i worry that i will lash out because we're all old enough to know better. i worry that i may slowly stop caring because caring is hurting me. i'm a worrier, but i don't know how else to be

#nintendoenthused wii game night

so a couple weeks ago, brand about town was looking for a few hosts in the DC area. i volunteered to participate not entirely knowing what i was getting myself into. a couple emails and a skype call, i was moderately prepared for a night with the new wii play motion :)

look it!

conveniently, i'd scheduled to have last friday off. (i was going to take neal to see adele in jersey, but tickets were sold out in seconds! mega boo). so i was home when my packages of awesome arrived at the apartment. i can't even tell you how surprised i was when the fedex man showed up at my door with two HUGE boxes in tow. it was like christmas at chez schoon and neal's. one box had all the party goodies; the other had the adorable party favors. i spent an hour oohing over everything and setting up (a whole day early cause i was that excited). BAT is no joke, people. i received all sorts of stuff for one fabulous sundae bar

check my mad skills. bam!

i had looked at a few of the games beforehand and was already looking forward to trying them. i was all about pose mii plus because i thought you had to actually pose lol. not quite. you basically have to turn the controller in different directions to maneuver your mii into position. briah and i played a few rounds, getting progressively better each time. and i still did a little posing. i just couldn't help myself ;)

there are 12 mini games, and we played them all. only took us four hours ;) none of us anticipated how difficult some of these games would be. skip skimmer was the least fun of the bunch until chris started getting special rocks with dolphins, music notes, frogs and more. treasure twirl, star shuttle and flutter fly only got one play through since chris kept kicking juli's ass. then she shot me in trigger twist hahahah. they're supposed to save the miis from alien invasion, ninjas and dinosaurs; she also forgot she and chris were on the same team and tried to block him. trigger twist was really fun (minus killing vegetarian dinosaurs - he was coming right for us!). any game in which you throw ninja stars at parachuting ninjas is a win in my book. the hard part is remembering enemies come from all directions. those jerk dinosaurs snuck up from behind and ate us (or bit very severely)

best games of the night were veggie guardin and cone zone. veggie guardin is basically whack a mole, except sometimes the moles wear masks and sometimes it's actually miis. the more moles you whack, the more gigantic and powerful your mallet can become. it was hard to control the mallets when more than two people played (sensor can get erratic), but that didn't overshadow the awesomeness. cone zone is a stacking/balance game (and the inspiration for the sundae party). briah and neal were able to get 28 scoops before bonking into each other. however, neal and chris got up to 40 and made quite a few balancing saves when they played together. it was hilarious to watch. swirl mode was also fun despite its one playerness. your cone is huge, and so are your mii's eyes as the cone fills hahah

the hardest game in the pack? spooky search. you have to hunt ghosts and put them in a containment box. it's very ghostbusters without the obnoxious, slimey pet ghost. too bad we couldn't get past the first round no matter how many times we played. there are ghosts you have to trap as a team, but they can (and do) break free. part of the problem was my controller. i'd try to lock on to the ghost with everyone, but i wouldn't show up on the screen until the ghost broke away. or i'd be the only one who couldn't lock onto it when it was "in the air". uber frustrating. i still had fun though wrestling with the spooks

i want to live in jump park! there are walls and floors made of bounce mats; you jump all over the map collecting jewels and awesome accessories, like wings. plus, in two player, you take turns directing the jump. it gets a little confusing when the jump space is short or you're moving crazy fast. i like to think that briah and i kicked ass at this and pose mii plus. we're a good team ;) ...teeter targets and wind runner fell in the middle of the pile on difficulty and fun. teeter targets is kinda brick breaker meets pinball; wind runner is mary poppins style mario kart :)

nintendo sent over an additional copy of the game and a controller to be given away. since half the guests bailed at the last minute, i decided to make it easy to win: classic rock paper scissor (best two out of three). it was juli versus briah, and juli won after a thrilling minute and a half :) the whole night was super fun, and i was exhausted when it was over. i only partially blame the cold stone ice cream sugar high. some ridiculously hilarious things were said through out the night, and i got some silly photos. i highly recommend this game (with or without the sundae smorgasbord :)) for anyone's game night. fun for all ages so go get it! 

[my favorite photos from the party & photos from all the dc area parties]

my camera sucks, but my friends are awesome

off the rails

so much has happened in the last few weeks. emotionally, it's hard to keep up. i've started four posts about the happenings; clearly, nothing's been published. i have a few more posts rolling through my head that i haven't had the time or patience to flesh out. i want to get back on track with everything, but i need to visualize and plan it all out first. here's what's up:

*grad school: i'm embarrassed to admit my academic defeats so i doubt i detailed much of this before. i'll start towards the beginning. last semester, i was on probation. i got fucked in the fall so my gpa dived. i tried my best to get what i needed to get it back up, but fell just short. it doesn't help that one of my grades may be wrong. no, it's not going to boost me over the threshold, but every point counts. unfortunately, JB is an asshole. it took him a week to respond to each of my emails; then he just stopped responding altogether. at the end of june, i got the letter saying i was officially suspended. no class for me in the fall, and i'd have to jump through hoops to be allowed back in for the spring. i had a meeting with the program director, now EJ (JB was the interim director while TM was on sabbatical). i was almost in tears at the end of the meeting. happy tears. she and SB (director of academic advising) believed i should get another chance so they were going to waive my suspension. no begging or pleading from me required. i registered for classes a couple weeks ago. i had a meeting with SB this week to discuss the numbers and do the paperwork. she wanted to hammer home how important this semester is, which i totally agree with. if i don't get the grades, i'm done. that is not an option. much like last semester, things will be difficult and i'm ready for the challenge. i have another email in to JB, i put in my paperwork for my education benefits and my money is ready to go

*finances: i was obsessing over and reconfiguring my savings goals because of the semester beginning. then i started focusing on my long term goals. after days of checking and rechecking, i realized how beneficial having a side hustle would be for me. paying off students loans and saving for huge future purchases over three years without using money from my primary job? sign me up! of course, that was before i reconfigured the MKN budget. there are quite a few assumptions built in given that we dumped our first client before any business was done. once things get moving though, i think everything will work out nicely for the business and us

*work: i'm managing a project that i'd rather be doing. i have the boring job of coordinating between people. i'd much rather be running and analyzing reports, even if it's a cumbersome, time consuming task for one person. what else do i have to do? granted, just like last semester, my lack of projects gives me more time to do homework. i'll be taking full advantage of that given the insane workload i'm going to get

*family: my grandmother was sent to hospice on the 31st because her kidneys appeared to be shutting down. on the 1st, the nurse thought the doctor had misdiagnosed her because she was doing better. the morning of the 2nd, she died. i'm glad i had better sense than to believe what the nurse told my mom monday. false hope is the worst when dealing with sickness and death. she lived 100 amazing years, and her body decided it was time to go. my parents went down to atlanta wednesday to get everything together for the funeral. i went down thursday to help mom because i knew she wouldn't get the support and assistance she needed. her side of the family is wonderful, but they just don't get us. we spent two days running around and making phone calls and two days trying to mentally prepare. tuesday afternoon, we said good bye. over the week, we shared a lot of stories, jokes and tears. we saw a lot of old faces, too. sometimes i forgot what a big heart she had; she touched so many people in one way or another. everyone was a part of her family, not just those of us tied by bloodlines

*health: the stress of the last two weeks took a toll on me physically. mindless eating to the extreme. i still documented every bit of what i ate and drank. so i know i ate at least double my daily allotment every single day i was in atlanta. before i left, i was barely eating at all. i had to consciously remind myself to eat because i simply wasn't hungry. i've been home since wednesday evening, and i still feel way off. my body has done everything it can to let me know it is displeased. even thinking about it now is making my stomach turn... i shouldn't really call it mindless eating. i kept saying i was craving sugar, but i wasn't really craving it. i had an insane compulsion to devour sweets. all of my eating was compulsive. i stripped the skin off a chicken thigh like i used to when i was little. i've always disliked chicken, but i love the fried skin. i ate a whole leg. then i ate the skin my mom hadn't wanted. then i ate all the bits that had fallen into the box. then i grabbed a thigh and methodically removed all its skin. cameron asked, halfway through, if i was going to eat the rest. with no hesitation or guilt, i said "no, i don't want it" like i was seven years old all over again... i'm feeling more mentally myself, but i know i started to undo all the good i've done. i dread getting on the scale this morning, but i know it's the next step in getting back on track

*random: jesse sent me this old article a few weeks ago that still has me thinking. do i see what's out there or do i focus on the minutia? over the last year or so, i think i'm opening myself up to more possibilities. i know where i want to go, but i'm more willing to try different paths to get there. i'm still a detail oriented planner; i will always stress over the little things. i'm just allowing myself to be guided a bit more by the universe instead of forcing/rushing the universe to fulfill my demands

given all i have/need to get done, i really need a game plan. i've already set up my personal schedule for the fall, which includes all the usual obligations for work, school and myself. i'm buying books this week so i can get a headstart on readings. eight books between two classes means no wasted moments. i'm hoping the week off for the funeral hasn't screwed with my momentum. i have wiggle room, but not much. like usual, the schedule is probably overly ambitious, but i don't know how else to be

wine & love5

it's been a while, but how about some wine & love today? :) and don't forget to visit the lovely nora, who started this all

reasons my glass is full:

- i'm pmsing, which means general irritability at everything, a constant state of exhaustion and about four times the proper amount of salt added to everything

- i need an oil change, but i'm still pissed about my last trip. i might just go to the location round the corner from home instead of the one by work

- continued access issues are making me increasingly stabby. i'm about two emails away from giving up on this three (nearly four) month ordeal

reasons i'm loving this week:

- had a meeting with dr. j about my suspension, and it's been waived! i didn't have to bawl and beg for another chance; she and the dean agreed that i should get another one. i'm just waiting on the dean to approve my course selection :)

- the business is starting off ok. business cards have arrived, website has been put together and we're starting to build our client list. we had a couple setbacks, but i think we're still in a good place right now

- making lots of fun plans :) might have lunch with mom friday. seeing HP7 (again) with julia and leslie in a couple weeks. hosting our first game night. brunch with stace and crabs with the parents when jesse comes down. on top of plans to go up to jesse's this weekend and seeing two shows next week

- opened a credit union account because i'm over wells fargo (i'm gonna miss wachovia immensely). everyone's been super nice and helpful even though i've had a few issues. one phone call, a trip to a branch and lots of patient explanations seem to have sorted everything out. i didn't even have to yell at anyone

- #summerofharry. we're on goblet of fire, which is still my least favorite, for the next two weeks. i'm really excited for the last three though. can't lie; i love dark and twisty. the growing threat of voldemort's return is so exciting, and i love his eventual defeat. all it needed was a little more neville fucking longbottom ;)

so what has you reaching for that second glass (in frustration or celebration)?

passage of time

i started this post because of something jesse said to me. "i wish i'd met you three years ago." after a conversation about his financial situation. my darling boy is good at many things; managing his money is not one of them. i'm obsessive about my money so most of the time he makes me nervous. i'm doing my best to help him without stealing his check card and changing his account information so he can't access anything himself. doling out an allowance, having the final say on all things finances. i would be that extreme

if jesse were 16

moving on. as i told him, i was not this person three years ago. the 24 year old me would not be so patient, concerned or interested in his situation. she would see this as a bit of fun, but not necessarily long term. she would be too caught up in her own bullshit to recognize what she had in her life. i know this because i've done this before. i dated a guy in college who was very similar to jesse. i broke up with him after two months because he was simply too nice and i just wanted to get laid. i couldn't even maintain a friendship with him. a few months after breaking up, we tried. a few months later, i lost my temper and a good friend. i still laugh at what he wrote about me on livejournal. not because it didn't hurt, but because it was pretty true. i hurt people, and i didn't much care because those people had hurt me first

in 2008, i was living alone because i got sick of living with my dad (my parents are still together; i just have daddy issues). loved everything about the place, except the cost; i bounced a couple rent checks that year. the excitements in my life included buying a discounted couch at ikea, wondering if my temp position would become permanent (it did) and getting into loyola (worst. ever). i went on my second cruise, with my family, and spent most of my time either drinking or complaining. my friends were getting married, and i was getting hit by major cases of the jealousies. i consoled myself by buying expensive shoes and watching shows on cable at my parents' house (before i boycotted after another run in with hulk dad). it was also the year of the great integration at work, which set up the worst six months of my life. in the middle of that, i met a guy who would turn out to be the absolute worst person to have in my life

i give the universe credit though. if it hadn't been for THE worst year ever, i would not be in a place to realize the best. one program dismissal plus one break up plus realizing i no longer wanted to coast through my life equals the last 18 months of happy. i'm still the same spoiled, privileged girl i've always been, but i appreciate my advantages in a way i never had. i moved in with my best friend to save money and force him to spend time with me (neal, you know it's true. love, clingmonster). we're better friends than we had been in recent years. i stopped spending every last cent i had just because i could. instead, i've saved a ridiculous amount of money and gotten a feature on smartypig's blog (some of the details are wrong, but it's still pretty freaking cool). i found a man i adore who is good to me and good for me. i suck at showing it most times, but i appreciate what he has brought to my life

end of 2008: "i have never been so disappointed and humiliated in my life" and things got worse
end of 2009: "regardless of what happens, i'll be starting my year off with an adventure" and the adventure continued

three years ago, this would've been a fun side trip on the path to what i wanted. i'd have dropped him like a hot potato if things started getting too real or difficult. i wouldn't have been willing to let him in my heart, not even a tiny bit. that girl wouldn't have been in any position to help anyone, even if she had looked outside her little bubble from time to time. rereading and reliving journal entries from the last three years was definitely uncomfortable. realizing how much i've grown is overwhelmingly awesome. jesse, you could've met me three years ago, but you wouldn't have been meeting me. i found you at the exact moment i needed to. we're exactly where we need to be. everything happens for a reason

hard to say

a post i've tossed around for nearly a year, and it's still hard to put all of what i feel into words...

"Life without memory is no life at all... Our memory is our coherence, our reason, our feeling, even our action." Luis Bunuel

some days i want to run away to my grandma's house. curl up in my mom's old bed. load up on ice cream from the "secret" fridge. laugh while the washer dances across the kitchen. eat peppermints from the china cabinet. wonder if she's ever actually fired that shotgun

but then i remember my grandma doesn't live there anymore. the house has been sold. everything has been given away, thrown away or boxed up for "when we have time" to go through them. we drove by the street she used to live on, the street my mom grew up on, and i felt a twinge. excitement followed by great sadness. my grandma doesn't live there anymore...

"But a man does not consist of memory alone. He has feeling, will, sensibilities, moral being-matters of which neuropsychology cannot speak." - AR Luria quoted in Sacks

and my 100 year old grandma doesn't always recognize me. her me-chelle is not 27. she can't identify us immediately on a good day or at all on a bad one. christmas was a bad day; last saturday was moderately better. if you remind her of things, she knows. she laughs and that mischievous sparkle returns. my granny is one sassy lady not to be messed with. she's a shrunken version of herself, but she's still in there. she wasn't the most coherent, but she still had her little comments. her face is still so expressive. i know she's still in there, but i also know she's fading

"but if he has lost a self-himself-he cannot know it, because he is no longer there to know it." - Sacks

she doesn't remember my growing up. and i don't remember her growing old. i saw a sprint commercial about a 100 year old getting birthday wishes from the internets, and i wanted to reach through the tv to throttle her. i don't believe for a second she's 100. she's more like my 80something year old auntie. my family is not the picture of health, but my granny has outlived a lot of people, including that nut jack lalanne. she doesn't have alzheimer's or dementia. she's not bedridden or on oxygen. she has health concerns, but nothing that's going to kill her. however, i have a very hard time believing these 100 year old people who end up on the tv. no one is that healthy after living a century

she had a cough on saturday, and i was terrified this was it. i'm still scared that it's going to be soon. pretty much, i think that every time will be the last time... i probably wouldn't be as freaked out if we saw her more frequently. once a year is not enough, but it's all we can manage. in just five months, she's changed so much it seems. all of it makes me so incredibly sad

today is officially her 100th birthday. i hope the universe doesn't feel tempted to take her just yet. whenever the universe is ready, i ask only that it be quick and painless, preferably in her sleep. my grandma lived a hard life; she shouldn't have to endure a hard death

grandma, happy birthday. thank you for everything. i love you - mimi

swagalicious

27 looks a lot like 26 so far; it's just sleepier :p this year was WAY better than last year. seems like i've gone a million years without a drama filled birthday. i set my expectations super low for these people, and, for once, they lived up to things

i kicked off the weekend with a day off work. i raced around thurs evening because i didn't want to have to leave the apartment at all on fri. picked up packages, groceries and cupcakes on my way home. then i piddled around til the wee hours just because i could. naturally, i slept in on fri. then i ordered in thai food (sooo yummy) and started cooking. just cause it was my birfday doesn't mean i was going totally off my usual routine. jesse took the day off, too, and was gonna come down in the afternoon. unfortunately, he got stuck in traffic nearly the entire way here. at least we were able to have dinner together at dinner time :)

sat, i had to pop over to weis for some forgotten items. then i made the first round of baked macs. erin came over early before we rolled off to the bowling alley. so excited to see her, and really itching to see jess and heather now. miss my girls so much! for my friends celebration, i decided bowling was the thing to do. the awesome: alley is right around the corner from us. the unawesome: it decided to hail the second we went out the door. it was insane! and only lasted that five minutes we were in the car. super weird. i got to see more of my favorite people, had a beer + two cupcakes and got my ass handed to me lol. i am awesome at wii bowling so i kinda forgot how much i sucked at real bowling. neal won; jesse and cait were neck and neck most of the game. it was an amusing afternoon. i invited peeps over to the apartment afterward for more catching up and being silly. i didn't realize how much bowling had taken out of me though. i hate to say it, but i kinda wish i had told people to just go home :p i went from 100 to -10 on the energy scale super fast. it was fabulous spending time with everyone though. i can't wait to throw a summer shindig! i'll make sure to nap before the fun begins ;) we headed to bed shortly after the last guest left. my sister and her best friend (who's birthday was sat) called at exactly midnight to wish me a happy birthday. drunk fools :p it was sweet though, even if i was super exhausted

sun (dun dun dunnnnn) was the family birthday outing. i opted for brunch at a place stace recommended and invited neal, too. can't go anywheres without my entourage ;) it was a good brunch, even though stace kept trying to eat off my plate. any other day, i would've conceded (baby sister's are the worst :p), but i wanted my whole muffin dammit. no bites for her! that girl seriously needs to travel with snacks; she's ALWAYS hungry. it was nice to have my two favorite boys along, but part of me is still sad my brother couldn't be there. it's still weird that he can't come to things because his schedule is dictated by someone else. after eating, i quickly opened my gifts...

you know all this build up was just to talk about my new swag, right? what? i like stuff :)

erin is hilarious; she gave me my xmas gift for my birthday since she never mailed it. super cute ornament from hallmark. love it! briah also got me something... cupcakes! they were delicious and went fast on sat. i tortured poor jesse by not opening his gift until sun. neal's thing is blowing out a candle; mine is opening gifts. these things must occur on the day of actual birth. otherwise, they don't count. or something... so i brought the box with me to brunch. mom also brought the gift from her and the old man. i had sent mom, jesse and neal a link to my gamestop wishlist last month since all i really wanted were games. unfortunately, there was some weird error that gamestop still hasn't fixed. so mom got me a giftcard, which she put in a large bag. i totally thought there was more, but it was just a lot of tissue paper. i also got two hallmark cards (one mushy, one funny). then i opened jesse's gift. a kindle with books already loaded :) he even drew me a silly picture to illustrate how he kinda lost a fight with some tape while trying to wrap the box. so cute. i'm still not 100% sold on ereaders, but will happily use this gift. i think i was most excited that he actually checked my goodreads list for books i wanted to read. he put so much thought into it, which was super sweet. someone knows how to make a girl feel loved *swoon*

we headed home shortly thereafter, where my little 3DS was waiting. toys r us was giving me heart palpitations all week, but UPS/USPS managed to get my new toy in early and in one piece. i think jesse was just as excited as i was to open the box hahah. he didn't believe i could wait three extra days to open it, but i did. i take gifts very seriously :p i immediately created miis for both of us. then i played face raiders. then i whipped out the AR cards. i took random pictures of nintendo characters in 3d, and i played two AR games. unfortunately, i killed the battery (i was too excited to full charge ooops). so i plugged it in and immediately went back to the kindle. i spent the next couple hours looking through the user guide and trying to figure out how to read blogs. i can't wait til their web app is fully functional. i would love to be able to read and comment on my fave blogs on my commutes to class, but right now, that's cumbersome

then neal rolled out his gifts. from my amazon wishlist: the training day soundtrack and sailor moon sailor stars, from my gamestop wishlist (which i totally forgot i'd added, but my bestie knows me so damn well and just got it): alice in wonderland and, lastly, strong bad's cool game for attractive people (super awesome find!). seriously impressed by both my boys :) at that point, it was most certainly naptime. jesse and i crawled into bed, while neal started dinner. cause one of his other gifts was dinner and dessert (holy crap, i'm spoiled!). unfortunately for him, he underestimated the difficulty. fortunately for me, i got a birthday quickie. there was even time to spare so we stayed in bed with our handhelds. hahah 3DS for me; PSP for jesse. it was worth the wait, too. i think dinner turned out quite nicely, and the cupcakes neal picked were super good. after dinner, we watched legion

overall, it was a great day to end a fantastic weekend. not just because of my new nerdy stuff. i'm genuinely happy i could spend time with some of the important people in my life :)

all over the map

thurs i decided i wasn't going to let things get to me. exhausted from another late night and down about not reaching goal, i decided to say fuck it. i was running behind schedule, but i jumped in the shower and got dressed while scarfing breakfast anyway. put on my favorite lightly padded bra and star print panties (tmi? don't care). my fave sweater is in the laundry, so i pulled out a bright pink vneck instead. skinny jeans plus great cleavage? yea, i win. i probably should've worn heels for better strutting, but they're not good for "ah crap i'm late!" rushing. of course, i hopped in the car and then remembered i needed gas. 45 minutes late to the office in a not caring kind of mood. chest up, head high. despite a freakout, my workday went pretty well

then i had to run a million errands. i wanted to take care of everything because i wouldn't be in annapolis today. on the list: hallmark/five below, home depot, whole foods/safeway, *secret location*. i traded home depot for panera because i discovered that i had a free drink coupon expiring on sunday. so i popped over there for a chai and bagel. while waiting, i determined that i really wouldn't have enough time to figure out my vday swap gift. hallmark and five below now pushed to sunday, after lunch with my sister. jumped across the street to whole foods with crossed fingers that i'd come in on budget. (this is not my best budgetwise. stupid short month) i managed to find all but two items, but not the two i was expecting. meh, to the safeway! grabbed my two items. then remembered i'd forgotten to check for coupons. (i checked when i got home; nothing useful *whew*) it's now 7pm, and i have two hours to get the next bit done... i fly home, rush upstairs to put groceries away while heating my dinner, and run back out to the car. i was rather rude to neal since i was in a hurry (sorry!). i get to secret location around 8pm, thinking i'll only be 5min. wrongo! i fucking stood there for 20 min waiting for someone who never came. furious, i left. i had another thing i wanted to do, but i was too annoyed to care anymore so i went home. at least i had eaten dinner in the car. cause hungry michelles eat babies in fits of rage. got home and checked for the millionth time about doing my thing online. rules say you can't, but i wasn't in the mood to drive over there again at some ridiculous hour. i tried anyway, and it went through. all set for secret thing (jesse's vday gift). calmed, i went and chatted with neal for a bit cause

today was his uncle's funeral. he'she'd battled cancer off and on for a decade. it came back; it spread. doctor's gave him about three months. that was two weeks ago. there was some family drama a few years back, so we hadn't seen him and his wife since then. the drama had never really been resolved. so when neal found out that he was taken to the hospital friday (and later moved to hospice), he made it a point to go visit. they talked (as best they could with his uncle on a high dosage of pain meds), and neal felt better. not 100%, but better. sunday, he was gone. it's been a weird week emotionally. neither of us was heartbroken over the loss, but definitely felt something missing. last night was the wake. neal was a bit nervous cause he hadn't seen most of the family (especially not together) in ages. all went well. which of course meant that today had to be the awkward one. neal's family is my 2nd family so there was never a question in my mind of attending the service. as neal's buffer and faux sister, i was going to be there. catholic service, neal did the first reading. his uncle's grandkids did the eulogy. we were greeted by naval service members at the grave site. we both teared up/cried at various points for different reasons. when J read invictus, our favorite poem. on the drive to the grave site, discussing the service and neal's favorite aunt's funeral. when the servicemen folded and presented his flag to his wife. when LM, who swore she wouldn't even attend his funeral, kissed his casket goodbye. i know that i'm not really in mourning over his death, but those little moments still hit a chord. even though we'd planned to duck out quickly, we spent the next four hours at their home. catching up, eating tons and reminiscing over family photos. i truly enjoy spending time with neal's crazy family and sincerely hope to see them in the future (under less sad circumstances). there were a couple awkward moments, but we got through them. with plates of food and a bag full of rolls, we headed home

and the contradictory emotions continue. jesse finally arrived (that's what happens when you're boy works late shift and lives two hours away :p), and i'm a very happy camper. happy belated vday to me. catch y'all monday :)

year condensed

i hadn't intended to do a reflective post on 2010, but then i scrolled through my photos again (yea... i reread my own posts a thousand times). it occurred to me that i had a pretty adventurous year. and i HATE adventure... says the girl who's planning a summer road trip with her bestie... i'm not in the mood to hunt down all the applicable blog posts (if i even wrote them), but here's a quick recap of 2010. in the order i remember them

- i met and fell in love with an awesome guy

- i walked in the susan komen 3day for the cure

- i helped gather postcards in support of marriage equality for maryland

- i hung out with the DC bloggers a few times

- i got drunk under the table by the tweeting lesbians

- i attended a pocket gays happy hour and met new people by myself, without knowing a single person (online or offline) beforehand

- i went to the DC NOH8 shoot

- i got a tattoo

- i worked the gate at baltimore pride, and THE pandora boxx smiled at me. then she and juju tweeted me, and i DIED

- i bought and carved my very first pumpkin

damn! that was a good year. running theme: booze and gays, sometimes at the same time :) oh, yea. and volunteering and my darling boy and a random pumpkin. but mostly boozey gays

dear 2011,
the stakes have been raised

:)

permasquee

i am super excited at the moment. so excited that i'm barely forming full coherent thoughts. sorry. one of my very best friends is about to have a baby. it's been a crazy couple of weeks, but we think baby Z is finally about to introduce herself. one of my other close friends is going ring shopping. i KNEW that boy was gonna propose, but they've been taking their time. and driving me crazy :) i've had her shower gift picked out for ages, and i'm so excited i may actually be purchasing it soon. ER is wonderful so i can't wait for him to make an honest woman out of my HB ;)

if there were a support group for people addicted to weddings and babies, i would have to join it. i seriously think my heart is going to explode from excitement :D

i would include pictures of happy engaged people or happy new parents, but my brain is on hyper drive. in no shape for weeding through pictures of happy moments. instead i leave you with a link to this adorable photo by mark loper. a glass friend sent it to me, and i've had it open all day. makes me miss my big spoon...

i... might?

so i started writing this post back in january, but never really finished my thoughts... i guess... cause i never posted it. now that we're approaching the end of october, my opinions have flipped in the other direction. at some point last year, i developed a fear of commitment. the hypothetical of getting married seemed great, but the sharing of a life was daunting. i have come to terms (mostly) with the great disaster of 2009, which really brought on the "oh my god i may have to put up with this for the next 50 years" thoughts. i am not someone who backs down from or quits a challenge so i really have no intention of getting divorced. i'll kill him before i see a lawyer about getting what's mine after the dust is settled. i may or may not be kidding about that... this little blog started on the heels of the breakup (*squee* next week is my blogaversary) so naturally, i was in that same headspace when i started seeing someone new. over the course of the last 10 months, i've regained myself. i am an individual, but i am part of an us. i love this us, and the future fears that cropped up have been squashed. i know it's only been 10ish months (two of which we haven't been in the same state for). i know he's not really in the boat with me yet. and i know he's going to read this later and make that face. but i don't really care. if he asked me tomorrow, my answer would be yes. because he makes my soul happy

every minute every hour

just listen to the rhythm of my heart

things i don't say

there are things rolling around in my brain that i don't/can't talk about. they're too personal, and i'm just not ready to deal with them...

- it's been 20 months. i barely mention it, even though i think about it at least once a week. InSlut still doesn't even know the full story

- it's S day, but i haven't heard a peep. i don't want to ask the question because i'm terrified of the answer

- A left on sunday, and i've only told two people where he went. one of those people i got in a fight with over it. we haven't really spoken since. not that i care; we weren't close to begin with

...this is why i have my paper journal. except i never write in it. when things are good, i want to share with everyone. i have no need to write it down for just me. when things are bad, i forget it's there. i know i need to write it to sort it out and stop turning it over inside my head. i'm just become so consumed by it. i really ought to remember... before my brain does this

i'm on a break

you won't be seeing much of me round these parts for the next few weeks because...

~it's crunch time for my summer class. final on the 15th, two 10 page papers due on the 19th

~i'm applying for a new job; interview is on wed. i'd have actual work to do at work if i get it

~i've let social media consume my life. i started contemplating on social media day (which i didn't attend), and i feel a bit like troy: "how can something delicious be bad for me?" social media is my giant cookie, and realizing how neglectful i've been is giving me a stomachache. i need to find more of a balance so i'm taking a step back for a little

i'll still be checking in on y'all from time to time, and i'm totally going to be at DCamazeballsHH next week. i just won't be posting or lurking around twitter as much. so after this goes up, i'm going to peace out for the long weekend and my own social media detox :)

i hope you all enjoy your holidays (or normal weekends if you're canadian/living in canada ;))

friendly with money

every so often, 20SB does a blog carnival. what's a blog carnival? from what i can tell, it's just a bunch of people posting on a particular topic and putting all their links in a centralized location lol (kinda like the monthly femme writes posts). the difference though is that the carnival comes with prizes (ooh ahh). this particular carnival revolves around money... so if you'd known me for awhile, you'd know how hilarious this topic is for me. why? cause i'm OBSESSED with my money. did you see that new widget on the sidebar? have you seen my finance tool tweets? are you paying attention to me at all? :p

my mom mentioned the other day that she has no idea where i get it from. she's not good with money, and my dad doesn't really 'manage' as much as he seems to just collect receipts. i, on the other hand, have numerous spreadsheets and online resources to keep track of every penny. more and more these days i'm trying to curb my spending. so i was a bit surprised that my score on the schwab moneywise calculator was 57 out of 100. um... what? i totally took it a second time, which resulted in a 65, still "middle of the road". i know that's a good thing (especially when the average for 20somethings seems to be right around 70), but i'm still disappointed. i bet it's because i don't have a will or contribute to a 401k :p i'll worry about a will when i get married, and i refuse to contribute to a 401k that is entirely comprised of company stock. hate the company and would never voluntarily invest in it no matter the situation. granted, by the time i finally quit, i'll be fully vested but that's beside the point

of my closest friends, i am one of a few who is not working in my preferred field. and i am the only one who isn't job hunting for something better/closer to my dream. why? money. it's all about the money. i've complained on more than one occasion about my job, but it does have the benefit of netting me a pretty penny every paycheck. for the first time in my life, i'm actually making money. instead of blowing it like in the past, i've set up a few savings accounts. i'm even trying to help InSlut get his monies under control. it's a bit amusing that, with the exception of CF who was lucky enough to marry an accounting boy, the women i know handle all the money. we joke about putting the boys on budgets and giving them allowances for video games and such (because they're all gamers to some degree). plus, since we're so budget conscious, i know i don't have to worry when girls' weekend rolls around. we usually bring tons of snacks and sit around talking for three days straight. it's the best thing ever. the boys don't get it, but we don't care :) sometimes we'll go out to eat, but it's usually somewhere moderately priced and we don't go crazy with our orders. EH and HH stopped drinking for the most part so that's another expense we don't have to worry about. lol the last time we went to HH's, i probably spent more on tolls than i did on anything else that whole weekend

then i have N. he's also trying to get his finances in order, but somehow he keeps finding himself trying to stretch those last dollars until payday. i routinely harass him about his spending because i'm that kind of mother hen. every two months or so, we have these huge discussions about it. sometimes he'll even whip out his spreadsheet as proof, and i one up him because i'm a jerk. he's really gotten a ton better in the last couple years, but sometimes money just poofs out of his account... much like it's going to do for me this week. i just remembered i have a wax tomorrow, which i did not account for when i decided to go out drinking with N's coworkers last night. bye bye buffer money... at least we always make sure that we can cover rent, utilities and groceries. it's those trips to IKEA and pottery barn that we have to talk each other out of. anything else is no big deal. we both pace ourselves or try to at least. so when we decide we absolutely have to have three more bookcases, an armchair and cute lamps, the money will be there. it's patiently waiting to be spent, and we'll be more than happy to oblige :)

[Disclaimer: This post is part of the 20SB Blog Carnival: Friends & Money, sponsored by Charles Schwab. Prizes may be awarded to selected posts. The information and opinions expressed in this post do not reflect the views or opinions of Charles Schwab. Details on the event, eligibility, and a complete list of participating bloggers can be found here.]

pretend wife

i spent the last two weekends at InSlut's playing house :) 1st weekend, he had off so he had a cook in. original plan was to cook out, but there were complications with the charcoal. george forman saved the day, and we had delicious burger goodness. i also got to meet a few of his friends. it went well, but i'm still deciding how i feel about some of them. it's weird meeting people you've been hearing about for months. K was probably the closest to who i constructed in my head... 2nd weekend, InSlut was working so i had to entertain myself during the day. i told him it was practice heh. he doesn't have a set schedule with his job (oh crazy shift work) so there will be many occasions when he'll be working when i'm not. my goal was to get a bit of reading done, marathon "true blood" and be generally housewifey. i didn't meet all of my goals, but it was still a good weekend

i headed up friday (a bit later than i'd wanted) after stopping at whole foods and CF's (got to see LF, too). met S (the new roommate), who i'd already decided i liked. InSlut and i ended up watching random stuff on tv, and i got a bit annoyed with him at one point. it was a small thing on top of other small things that tipped me over the edge. i went to bed mad, but was over it when i got up saturday. sometimes i just need to be an anger ball, but i usually get over it quickly. i made him blueberry pancakes before he headed out for work. after he left, i had a couple bites of pancake, put on my workout clothes and headed out for a seven mile walk. i managed to survive all three hours of my walk, and promptly took a nap when i got back to the house. it wasn't really on purpose though. post nap, i had some bacon, washed some dishes and turned on the food network. around five, i willed myself off the couch to get a shower and hit the grocery store for the last couple items needed for dinner/my sunday breakfast. saturday, i made salmon burgers (and by made i mean bought at whole foods) over baby spinach with feta/olive oil and cornbread on the side. grilled chicken over baby spinach with olive oil and cornbread made sunday's menu. he enjoyed all of it (mostly cause of the cornbread ;)), which made me feel pretty good. i even whipped out my apron for the first time on sunday; it's my favorite part of being domesticated

in non-healthy undomesticated news, we watched book of eli saturday night, and i got through all of "true blood" season1 on sunday. i did a bit of research for my papers, but i didn't get any reading done. we also stayed up til almost 4am talking since one of us couldn't sleep. during our chat, he commented on the fact we don't really talk during our weekends together. i'm always on my computer or blackberry, and he doesn't like interrupting me. of course, i felt like a complete asshole for letting my internet addiction impede my awesome girlfriendness. so i tried to time everything on sunday so that we could talk like people when he got off work. if i had a vacuum and heels, i probably would've pulled a june cleaver. he was grouchy when he got home though (had to stay late again) so not much talking was done. i made dinner; we watched a few season2 episodes of "true blood" and the season3 premiere. i had to leave shortly after since i had to work on monday. it was an insanely quick weekend (slash couple of weeks), and i miss him terribly. i had fun being the pretend wife for a weekend... but it further reinforced the wish that it wasn't pretend...

where's waldo?

dunno, but i'm still around...ish. here are some updates on that

i have a new waxer. my previous waxer, B, mysteriously left the spa. i say mysterious because i think it'd be inappropriate to grill the staff about where she went and why. so my last wax was done by J, who was a bit disappointing. she's nice, but i think she's newish to waxing. it just seemed like she wasn't 100% sure of what she was doing, and she ended up missing spots. last week, i booked with L and she was wonderful. she even tweezed and trimmed. "i don't want anything coming out of that bathing suit." me either, honey :) she is my new favorite. after deciding i liked her, i compared her to B. similar personalities and waxing skills. i would say they're in their mid/late 50s. J is probably around early 40s. not to be ageist, but i like my women older ;) the older the better

i got my bio grade on friday; a B :D which means i have an excellent gpa this semester. i would like to review my final just to see what i missed, but i'm trying not to be that guy. i'm really happy with my grades so i won't push anyone's buttons... my little sister also had a good semester. she busted her ass and actually did better than me. i was joking that she's officially smarter than me. we're equally smart; i'm just lazier :p summer classes started on saturday, but mine isn't until thursday. i'm feeling meh about it, but it's only monday

speaking of saturday, the chili cook-off was excellent. we got there in the middle of switchfoot's set, which was amazing, and stayed til the end. i'm sure anberlin and the local band were great, too. cage the elephant sounded great, but they could step up the live performance a wee bit. alice in chains was another great one. they're one of InSlut's favorite bands, which was one of the main reasons i wanted to go (and why i got the expensive VIP tickets). the new guy is soooo good. i also enjoyed a few beers and hot dog; boyface had chili dogs. unfortunately, that was about all we ate so when we got back to the hotel, he ordered a couple pizzas. it had just the right amount of grease (plus i'd had a bunch of water at the concert) so i wasn't hungover in the morning. it was like drinking in college again :) my belly didn't speak up until we went to breakfast; it was not in the mood for anything so i had a little of everything... downs of the weekend: asshole who i wished bad things upon, followed by a drunk cry, STP butchering their own songs, struggling to get back to the hotel with a dead phone and a worn out boyfriend and having to do the pee dance on the metro (don't worry. i made it to a potty without incident). i'm putting the day down in the yay column

not much else is going on i guess. i have a new job task, which is temporary until the security team actually has people again. i may actually have gotten a kid a job with the group. fingers crossed that he's interested and interviews well. he's the son of my mom's friend and, literally, just graduated... InSlut is good. it's my turn to stay at his place for our next few visits lol. he has a new roommate, and she's already a million times better than the last pair. she spent the whole weekend cleaning his place; it looks AMAZING. i might just hug her the first time we meet, and that is completely atypical... i'm super excited about two movies. sex and the city 2 (duh lol) and a midnight showing of hedwig and the angry inch. i love campy queer movies, and it's been forever since i've watched hedwig... oh! i also started a tumblr. it's just a baby, but feel free to check it out. further entrenching myself in the internets addiction, while trying out a new platform :)

so yep. that's what's up. how're y'all? :)

one for my gnomies

last weekend was awesome and totally needed. i spent the weekend with my girls at EH's. it was slightly different than usual because she lives with her boyfriend, his sister and another roommate. so there were people everywhere for two days. as usual we sat around talking for the majority of the weekend. which is just what we all needed. there's far too much drama going on in people's lives: EH dealing with her future sister in law, JP dealing with work and HH dealing with her mother in law. however, there were also some fabulous things going on: EH has a new position under another doctor, JP is moving in with her boyfriend and HH is pregnant. it was so awesome catching up with them in real time, in person. even though we talk online pretty much every day, with occasional phone calls thrown in, nothing beats girls' weekends

it also put into sharp focus how little drama there is in my life right now. this time last year, i was freaking out about school (rightly so), still dealing with merger issues at work and fighting for a relationship doomed to fail. now, i'm at a school that actually seems to value and encourage me, no one demands crazy hours of me at work and i'm with a new guy who makes me smile every day. things feel right for a change. i still have insecurities and frustrations about my life, but they aren't as frequent... as i said to InSlut yesterday: i have a timeline in my head, and we're perfectly on schedule for where i want to be. but it's not restricted to just our relationship; it can actually characterize my entire life. i can't recall the last time i was able to make that claim about anything

i expect that things will continue to go swimmingly :)