simplicity

i don't attend church unless it's a wedding or a funeral. i haven't prayed since i got my first diary. i don't normally think about either

watching a tv priest kneel before the alter hit me strangely though. i miss attending mass

i don't miss the place. i don't miss the people. i just miss the rituals. i miss the predictability of service

i was raised catholic and received my first communion. i attended confirmation, but didn't actually affirm my promise. i'm very good at being quiet in a large crowd speaking together. i found it difficult to tie myself to a faith that made my mother jump threw hoops to receive the sacrament because she had a different set of rituals. i officially renounced my faith sophomore year of college

but i still miss some pieces of that faith. i miss the connection, the familiarity and the simplicity. i miss the certainty. i miss being seven and believing in things

i have no intention of returning to that faith, but i do want to recapture the meaning of it all

little rejections

i am continually amazed by bloggers who can bare their souls and build amazing bonds with other bloggers. they form these relationships that can rival any "real life" friendship, past and present. they constantly build their own communities and support systems. and i am constantly jealous

which is dumb

because i actively and passively cut myself off from that potential. i share just enough. i support just enough. i open the door to my heart just a hair because letting people in terrifies the shit out of me. sunday, a dog broke my heart, and i'm still upset. i can rationalize why she still doesn't trust me, but it hurts nonetheless. what the hell am i supposed to do when it's people?

it's difficult for me to make friends though i have a lot. i can only think of 1 friend i actually made my entire life. sometimes it's hard to feel connected to friends, even when i'm not being guarded. because, deep down, i'm 95% sure everyone hates me. no matter how hard i try, what i do or how i act. they just don't wear their disdain out in the open like diva dog

goal setting

so i sat down and copied all the goals i've had over the last few years. not that i needed to since they never really change. health, finances, academics and work. no matter what i do, i always have the same focuses, the same amount of success and the same setbacks

so at what point do i concede that there are goals that i simply cannot meet?

well, if you know anything about me at this point, the answer is never. mentally, i want to push that much harder to accomplish everything. the problem is when my motivation begins to fade. i only do well when i'm competing with someone else. oddly, i have very little inner motivation (at least not consistently), but i am fiercely competitive. i know i've stagnated in my growth as a person in some aspects because of this. there is no competition in counseling or at my job. there is only me halfheartedly striving to improve. or just prove in some cases. having just read nicole's post on why we shouldn't be comparing ourselves to everyone else, i'm feeling a bit lost. comparing myself has been my biggest motivator over the last few years. what am i going to do if i let that go?

*sigh* what the fuck is wrong with me?

...i'm going to set these goals. not just for the next month, but for the next year. i'm just not sure how i'm going to break down attacking the goals and staying motivated. that'll be part of the next phase i guess. woohoo planning. the only thing i'm truly good at doing :p

wine & love9

hosted by the ever fabulous nora!

reasons my glass is double:

- grad school papers and beating myself up for being the queen of procrastination

- canceled classes when i busted my ass for 21 hours trying to finish said paper

- still not having caught up from my lack of sleep from the last two weeks. resulting in my current fight to keep my eyes open

- changing plans because of other people

- worrying that everything i do will not be enough, and i'll lose everything i want in the end

reasons i'm loving this week:

- celebrating too many births in two few days. as busy as last week/weekend were, i LOVED celebrating. birthdays are super important to me

- sitting down and mapping out my class assignments for the rest of the semester. i am slightly relieved because i have a manageable plan for the coming weeks

- also having a new plan to keep my ass healthy with neal as my accountabilibuddy. there will be cooking and working out (and whining and naps and booze as muscle relaxant...). day one of snapping back was this morning. 20 minutes with chalene. doesn't help with the afternoon sleepies i am currently battling, but keeps me in my skinny bitch jeans. i just hope neal's alive when i get home; it was his first turbo experience

- gimme bar because i need another internet obsession. it's like pinterest, but more :) users can't invite people yet, but it only takes about 20 min to get a code if you request one

- upcoming baby shower! gift and card have been purchased; i just need to wrap everything. i can't wait to see SJ :D

so what has you reaching for that second glass (in frustration or celebration)?

power of groups

i miss weight watchers meetings. neal calls it a cult; i call it group therapy. i'm taking a group therapy course this semester, which has me thinking more and more about groups. i never thought about ww in that context, but it absolutely is therapeutic. using the counseling jargon, it's a psychoeducational group. basically, a group that has a central theme around which there is discussion and skill building. AA is another good example

i don't believe i took it for granted how much benefit i'd get from ww. i knew going in that i was a meetings girl; i needed face to face support when i was starting out. i definitely overestimated the ability of the online community to replace my meetings though. not to say my online support isn't spectacular, but i definitely believe there is a piece missing. the weekly #wwchat fizzled, iitgi floundered and i don't want to join the mfp discussion boards. all i have are blogs and twitter, which i'm not utilizing to their full potential. i could be doing so much better. i could reach out to others for help. i could implement a plan based on ideas from other bloggers. i could start documenting my struggles and successes again. but i won't. something gets lost in translation online. because, short of expressing myself in tumblr posts, i'm finding it extremely hard to convey precisely what i mean

it's frustrating. i'm frustrated with the same information. i'm frustrated with the support inconsistencies. but mostly, i'm frustrated with myself. intellectually, i'm there. i know what to do and how to do it. i'm just not emotionally involved. i can't work up the excitement i used to have. for myself and for others. i love the internet, but it just can't fulfill the role i need sufficiently

feeling a bit lost (via tumblr)

peace within

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love. It is there for each and every one of us."

my mom sent that yesterday :) a silly chain letter, but something worth sharing for a change

hard to say

a post i've tossed around for nearly a year, and it's still hard to put all of what i feel into words...

"Life without memory is no life at all... Our memory is our coherence, our reason, our feeling, even our action." Luis Bunuel

some days i want to run away to my grandma's house. curl up in my mom's old bed. load up on ice cream from the "secret" fridge. laugh while the washer dances across the kitchen. eat peppermints from the china cabinet. wonder if she's ever actually fired that shotgun

but then i remember my grandma doesn't live there anymore. the house has been sold. everything has been given away, thrown away or boxed up for "when we have time" to go through them. we drove by the street she used to live on, the street my mom grew up on, and i felt a twinge. excitement followed by great sadness. my grandma doesn't live there anymore...

"But a man does not consist of memory alone. He has feeling, will, sensibilities, moral being-matters of which neuropsychology cannot speak." - AR Luria quoted in Sacks

and my 100 year old grandma doesn't always recognize me. her me-chelle is not 27. she can't identify us immediately on a good day or at all on a bad one. christmas was a bad day; last saturday was moderately better. if you remind her of things, she knows. she laughs and that mischievous sparkle returns. my granny is one sassy lady not to be messed with. she's a shrunken version of herself, but she's still in there. she wasn't the most coherent, but she still had her little comments. her face is still so expressive. i know she's still in there, but i also know she's fading

"but if he has lost a self-himself-he cannot know it, because he is no longer there to know it." - Sacks

she doesn't remember my growing up. and i don't remember her growing old. i saw a sprint commercial about a 100 year old getting birthday wishes from the internets, and i wanted to reach through the tv to throttle her. i don't believe for a second she's 100. she's more like my 80something year old auntie. my family is not the picture of health, but my granny has outlived a lot of people, including that nut jack lalanne. she doesn't have alzheimer's or dementia. she's not bedridden or on oxygen. she has health concerns, but nothing that's going to kill her. however, i have a very hard time believing these 100 year old people who end up on the tv. no one is that healthy after living a century

she had a cough on saturday, and i was terrified this was it. i'm still scared that it's going to be soon. pretty much, i think that every time will be the last time... i probably wouldn't be as freaked out if we saw her more frequently. once a year is not enough, but it's all we can manage. in just five months, she's changed so much it seems. all of it makes me so incredibly sad

today is officially her 100th birthday. i hope the universe doesn't feel tempted to take her just yet. whenever the universe is ready, i ask only that it be quick and painless, preferably in her sleep. my grandma lived a hard life; she shouldn't have to endure a hard death

grandma, happy birthday. thank you for everything. i love you - mimi

believe

normally, i hate chain emails, but this one wasn't terrible. the below snippet was a good reminder on a crappy day

"life is too short to wake up with regrets,
so love the people who treat you right.
love the ones who don't just because you can.
believe everything happens for a reason.
if you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
if it changes your life, let it."

brain dump

i am intermittently reckless. maybe some hot pursuit will scratch the itch

some days i have tons of patience. others i just want to move in leaps and bounds. today is one of the latter

i'm overwhelmed by the things i need to accomplish in the next month for grad school

i'm excited to throw myself a birthday party. less so knowing that i will be one step closer to 30

i'm happy about my raise and bonus. the raise was more than i expected because i was at the lowest point of the range

i'm not happy that my raise is throwing off my tax estimates. this is why midyear increases are effing bogus

adele, regina spektor, florence + the machine, marina & the diamonds, eliza doolittle, feist, christina perri and christina aguilera got me through the afternoon. i ridiculously love them... just had to add janelle monae and v v brown. clearly this is a never ending list

i'm dreading tonight's weigh in. i know i gained, and i'm already in a crappy mood

i almost wore a spring dress and my flippy floppies to work. it was a gorgeous day

there were more than 10 items on this list, which made me squirmy. i cut the extras to reduce my already boiling mental distress...

all over the map

thurs i decided i wasn't going to let things get to me. exhausted from another late night and down about not reaching goal, i decided to say fuck it. i was running behind schedule, but i jumped in the shower and got dressed while scarfing breakfast anyway. put on my favorite lightly padded bra and star print panties (tmi? don't care). my fave sweater is in the laundry, so i pulled out a bright pink vneck instead. skinny jeans plus great cleavage? yea, i win. i probably should've worn heels for better strutting, but they're not good for "ah crap i'm late!" rushing. of course, i hopped in the car and then remembered i needed gas. 45 minutes late to the office in a not caring kind of mood. chest up, head high. despite a freakout, my workday went pretty well

then i had to run a million errands. i wanted to take care of everything because i wouldn't be in annapolis today. on the list: hallmark/five below, home depot, whole foods/safeway, *secret location*. i traded home depot for panera because i discovered that i had a free drink coupon expiring on sunday. so i popped over there for a chai and bagel. while waiting, i determined that i really wouldn't have enough time to figure out my vday swap gift. hallmark and five below now pushed to sunday, after lunch with my sister. jumped across the street to whole foods with crossed fingers that i'd come in on budget. (this is not my best budgetwise. stupid short month) i managed to find all but two items, but not the two i was expecting. meh, to the safeway! grabbed my two items. then remembered i'd forgotten to check for coupons. (i checked when i got home; nothing useful *whew*) it's now 7pm, and i have two hours to get the next bit done... i fly home, rush upstairs to put groceries away while heating my dinner, and run back out to the car. i was rather rude to neal since i was in a hurry (sorry!). i get to secret location around 8pm, thinking i'll only be 5min. wrongo! i fucking stood there for 20 min waiting for someone who never came. furious, i left. i had another thing i wanted to do, but i was too annoyed to care anymore so i went home. at least i had eaten dinner in the car. cause hungry michelles eat babies in fits of rage. got home and checked for the millionth time about doing my thing online. rules say you can't, but i wasn't in the mood to drive over there again at some ridiculous hour. i tried anyway, and it went through. all set for secret thing (jesse's vday gift). calmed, i went and chatted with neal for a bit cause

today was his uncle's funeral. he'she'd battled cancer off and on for a decade. it came back; it spread. doctor's gave him about three months. that was two weeks ago. there was some family drama a few years back, so we hadn't seen him and his wife since then. the drama had never really been resolved. so when neal found out that he was taken to the hospital friday (and later moved to hospice), he made it a point to go visit. they talked (as best they could with his uncle on a high dosage of pain meds), and neal felt better. not 100%, but better. sunday, he was gone. it's been a weird week emotionally. neither of us was heartbroken over the loss, but definitely felt something missing. last night was the wake. neal was a bit nervous cause he hadn't seen most of the family (especially not together) in ages. all went well. which of course meant that today had to be the awkward one. neal's family is my 2nd family so there was never a question in my mind of attending the service. as neal's buffer and faux sister, i was going to be there. catholic service, neal did the first reading. his uncle's grandkids did the eulogy. we were greeted by naval service members at the grave site. we both teared up/cried at various points for different reasons. when J read invictus, our favorite poem. on the drive to the grave site, discussing the service and neal's favorite aunt's funeral. when the servicemen folded and presented his flag to his wife. when LM, who swore she wouldn't even attend his funeral, kissed his casket goodbye. i know that i'm not really in mourning over his death, but those little moments still hit a chord. even though we'd planned to duck out quickly, we spent the next four hours at their home. catching up, eating tons and reminiscing over family photos. i truly enjoy spending time with neal's crazy family and sincerely hope to see them in the future (under less sad circumstances). there were a couple awkward moments, but we got through them. with plates of food and a bag full of rolls, we headed home

and the contradictory emotions continue. jesse finally arrived (that's what happens when you're boy works late shift and lives two hours away :p), and i'm a very happy camper. happy belated vday to me. catch y'all monday :)

finding the bright spots

there are many things going on that are causing pouty to pop up on my face. rather than continue to whine about them, air my dirty laundry and scowl so hard my face gets stuck, i'm going to attempt to squee my little nerd heart out in hopes the happy will prevail...

a. one of the frustrations of my life is the arrival of my new laptop. however, let's refocus on the fact that I GOT A NEW LAPTOP. it is going to be so fucking sweet. after a few late nights (witnessed only by twitter and my boyfriend), i settled on the HP dv6t select (no touchscreen). 6G memory, intel i5 core, 500G storage, office professional with publisher and access... i'm equal parts swoony and turned on. i love me some new tech. i can't wait to set it up and name it. first program downloaded? firefox. second program downloaded? skype. third program downloaded? your mom because i got the space for her :p i also ordered an external hard drive (1T... mmm terabytes) and a flash drive (8G). i have SO much storage now; i feel so spoiled :) i'm also ordering skins cause i like customized and pretty stuff. i love that i can skin almost anything, including my new hardware. i'll probably use my own photo, but part of me wants this:

b. because i was so frustrated with life, i opted for a mental health day tuesday. i spent half of it in bed, doing jack shit. well that's not entirely true; i was doing stuff related to my grumblings... in the afternoon, i decided i was treating myself to a movie. i had the right amount of time before UB's orientation to see scott pilgrim vs. the world. it was totally meant to be :) i looked a little too cute to be seeing a mega-nerd movie sans mega-nerd boyfriend, but that's my allure. the theater was totally empty except for two classic mega-nerds a couple rows in front of me. it was FABULOUS. the movie was super awesome (i need kim and wallace to be friends with me immediately :)). matinee equals a small savings. and did i mention the practically empty theater? best weekday afternoon ever. orientation was also good, but scott pilgrim was definitely the highlight of my day

c. if you follow me on twitter, you've probably seen me gush over glass. explaining writing on glass has proven to be kinda hard. i've tried to get friends and my mom on it with no luck. i did nab a couple people though so i have peeps to share my ridiculousness with. what is glass? a firefox (and, in the future, chrome) add-on that allows you to "write" on a webpage. what is glass to me? a tool for sharing silly, political and/or nerdlicious web content. i can send my thoughts without having to copy/tiny a link for email/twitter. plus no more flipping back and forth between the email conversation and the page cause it's all right there in one spot. if all contacts have a particular slide open at the same time, you can live chat about the slide. kinda like gchat, but on any page on the internets. i also use it to bookmark various pages, which i can print out (with the slide on the page) to stick in my secret binder. glass has many uses only limited by you (and the current programming ;)). as it's still in beta, access to the add-on is through invitation only. lucky for you, i have a few invitations. if you're interested in taking glass for a spin, just ask for one (send me your email, i'll send the invite). keep in mind that you have to use the invite within five days or it'll poof back to me. if you're secretly already on glass (i'm looking at you sneaky followers), you should add me :) [update: and i forgot to mention the simply amazing customer service. have a suggestion? having issues? want help planning an event? (seriously, a few of us helped a guy with his proposal) email or tweet them and you're going to get a personal response every single time. nothing makes me a happier user/consumer than excellent service]

...well this got longer than i expected. longer post about happy equals a happier mood, right? let's hope so

i hate today

it's my birthday. by my standards, i still have 11ish more hours to celebrate since i was an afternoon baby. i'm not going to blog about what i did (nothing) or what i got (tickets to david sedaris from N). instead i am going to fill you in on why this is the awfulest of awful days every year

i warn you now that this will be petty, angsty whining. if you'd rather not get wrapped up in the drama, feel free to swing by later when i post some silly picture, mood inducing video or gushing about my boy...

i got bored/annoyed/whatever, and changed my background + some colors. right this moment i like it, but i'll probably hate it in a week :p

i'm so scattered these days (damn uterus). my brain is trying to pull me in a million directions at once so focusing longer than 2 minutes is near impossible. as such, i can't even focus on a real post. instead you get this lovely kitteh...

 

i'll try again tomorrow

i don't feel any different

not that i was really expecting to...

there's all this build up to a fresh start, but nothing seems to really change... sorry for the downer. i'm in a meh mood today.

i'll put on my happy face later for a weekend recap and award acceptance :)