March 12, 2013

little rejections

i am continually amazed by bloggers who can bare their souls and build amazing bonds with other bloggers. they form these relationships that can rival any "real life" friendship, past and present. they constantly build their own communities and support systems. and i am constantly jealous

which is dumb

because i actively and passively cut myself off from that potential. i share just enough. i support just enough. i open the door to my heart just a hair because letting people in terrifies the shit out of me. sunday, a dog broke my heart, and i'm still upset. i can rationalize why she still doesn't trust me, but it hurts nonetheless. what the hell am i supposed to do when it's people?

it's difficult for me to make friends though i have a lot. i can only think of 1 friend i actually made my entire life. sometimes it's hard to feel connected to friends, even when i'm not being guarded. because, deep down, i'm 95% sure everyone hates me. no matter how hard i try, what i do or how i act. they just don't wear their disdain out in the open like diva dog