i'm lost... or at least, i have lost part of me
in all the coursework, experiences and feedback, i have lost my sense of myself as a counselor. i've become so bogged down in learning the skills and forgotten that i already have natural skill. giving everything a name seems to have shifted me in a negative direction. i find myself struggling more and more, when i should be finding my groove. i understand that all of this is supposed to focus me and enhance my craft. but all its done is cloud my view
i was reading a case study that could have been about someone i know. it could almost have been about me. i understood the client before her therapist did. i understood where she was coming from before my classmates did. not to say that i am better than him or them, but that i have an important perspective many don't. that perspective gets kicked around when we start using our fancy terms and theories
i didn't come into this field because people told me i'm a great listener. i didn't have every friend coming to me for help and advice. i didn't fall into this in the middle of my college career because human behavior randomly started to interest me
i did fall into psychology ungracefully, a gifted kid afforded the privilege of advanced experiences. but i've always wanted to help in some capacity. and i've always been drawn to psychology in ways i didn't understand (who, at 11, is trying to make a case for why her brother's trained psychiatrist was a blithering idiot about diagnosis and treatment? oh, and i was right? TAKE THAT). i found psychology at 13. i briefly, post college, put it on hold to pursue a field i thought would be complementary. psychology called me home again. this is who i am. this is who i have always been
i know this. i just need to pull my lost parts out of the ensuing fog
Showing posts with label gradschool. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gradschool. Show all posts
February 13, 2013
October 11, 2012
10.11.12
i spent the entire day at my internship. four assessments - two observed, two completed. dr. e knocked them out in 30-45 minutes. my one took an hour and a half; the other just under an hour. then it took me nearly three hours to complete the reports
do. not. like
good thing i was already planning to miss class. otherwise, i would have been hella late, and it would've counted as an absence anyway (we have ridiculous attendance policies). i just can't get over that my one took 90 minutes and probably could've gone longer. i did have a pretty good discussion with dr. t though. everyone at the practice is awesome! i'll be doing these assessments every week going forward. i know i'll get better with time/practice, but i definitely need to focus on time management. something to discuss next class :)
now, back to packing. JP's big day is this weekend!!!
do. not. like
good thing i was already planning to miss class. otherwise, i would have been hella late, and it would've counted as an absence anyway (we have ridiculous attendance policies). i just can't get over that my one took 90 minutes and probably could've gone longer. i did have a pretty good discussion with dr. t though. everyone at the practice is awesome! i'll be doing these assessments every week going forward. i know i'll get better with time/practice, but i definitely need to focus on time management. something to discuss next class :)
now, back to packing. JP's big day is this weekend!!!
find more of me:
gradschool
October 9, 2012
10.9.12
the last few days have been crazy
- whirlwind weekend in tucson. bridal shower by the pool. naps & bouquet making. awesome food at rehearsal dinner. beautiful wedding. handful of mishaps. more good food and drinks. harassing the groomsman. fun after party. crazy sleep thanks to jet lag. brunch, booze by the pool and bbq. watching football throughout the day. another breakfast. more lounging by the pool. trip to an historical catholic mission. being a security risk. catching a few minutes of MNF. great conversations and a good movie flying home
- couldn't really get myself going this morning so i was a bit late to work. missed a meeting scheduled while i was out. cause i was seriously gonna jump on a call at 930 after a four day weekend. found out later that bitch from last week basically ignored my email. shocking. i'm furious and unsure how we proceed, but we sure as hell aren't going to be doing what she asked
- kinda freaking out schedule-wise. need to address the work issue plus work on my actual work project tomorrow after my chiro appointment. but dr. e just asked me to drop by to sit in on a new intake. so i have to cut my appointment short to meet her midday. meanwhile, i'm supposed to have a client at 6p and need to go to campus to handle some client notes. running up and down the highway when i need to be talking with my coworker and boss really isn't what i wanted to do with my day. at least the mkn stuff i may be able to put off til thursday. though i wanted to get some of that resolved before my next weekend away
so much for my post mini vacation happiness
- whirlwind weekend in tucson. bridal shower by the pool. naps & bouquet making. awesome food at rehearsal dinner. beautiful wedding. handful of mishaps. more good food and drinks. harassing the groomsman. fun after party. crazy sleep thanks to jet lag. brunch, booze by the pool and bbq. watching football throughout the day. another breakfast. more lounging by the pool. trip to an historical catholic mission. being a security risk. catching a few minutes of MNF. great conversations and a good movie flying home
- couldn't really get myself going this morning so i was a bit late to work. missed a meeting scheduled while i was out. cause i was seriously gonna jump on a call at 930 after a four day weekend. found out later that bitch from last week basically ignored my email. shocking. i'm furious and unsure how we proceed, but we sure as hell aren't going to be doing what she asked
- kinda freaking out schedule-wise. need to address the work issue plus work on my actual work project tomorrow after my chiro appointment. but dr. e just asked me to drop by to sit in on a new intake. so i have to cut my appointment short to meet her midday. meanwhile, i'm supposed to have a client at 6p and need to go to campus to handle some client notes. running up and down the highway when i need to be talking with my coworker and boss really isn't what i wanted to do with my day. at least the mkn stuff i may be able to put off til thursday. though i wanted to get some of that resolved before my next weekend away
so much for my post mini vacation happiness
find more of me:
diva drama,
gradschool,
real life loves,
work
October 3, 2012
10.3.12
today turned out pretty well despite the fact i am only still awake by shear force of will
- closed out a project that should have ended two months ago. i shake my fist at all the people who tried to tell me "i didn't get your email." "i didn't know about this" "i took this, but my record doesn't reflect it and i am too busy to contact support to resolve the issue". stfu, you lazy motherfuckers. but it's done, and my team still thinks i'm awesome
- picked up my bridesmaid dresses. both look and fit WAY better now, and no one gave me any "oh, honey, you're just too fat" bullshit. they even fixed some of the issues DB refused to acknowledge but i decided to ignore for the sake of my sanity. price wasn't cheap, but the alterations were worth every penny. i'll be taking some pants over there when i have the time
- had a pretty good meeting with dr. g-c (one on one internship supervision). that man has pretty much figured me out lol. he's not going to fall anytime soon from his perch as my favorite prof. he always makes me think when we chat. that meeting was supposed to be followed by another. our MKN meeting had to be rescheduled so i got to come home, shove a panini in my face and feel calm for an hour
nothing else of note on my brain. i'm off to play some sudoku before the presidential debate and a chat with my honey :)
- closed out a project that should have ended two months ago. i shake my fist at all the people who tried to tell me "i didn't get your email." "i didn't know about this" "i took this, but my record doesn't reflect it and i am too busy to contact support to resolve the issue". stfu, you lazy motherfuckers. but it's done, and my team still thinks i'm awesome
- picked up my bridesmaid dresses. both look and fit WAY better now, and no one gave me any "oh, honey, you're just too fat" bullshit. they even fixed some of the issues DB refused to acknowledge but i decided to ignore for the sake of my sanity. price wasn't cheap, but the alterations were worth every penny. i'll be taking some pants over there when i have the time
- had a pretty good meeting with dr. g-c (one on one internship supervision). that man has pretty much figured me out lol. he's not going to fall anytime soon from his perch as my favorite prof. he always makes me think when we chat. that meeting was supposed to be followed by another. our MKN meeting had to be rescheduled so i got to come home, shove a panini in my face and feel calm for an hour
nothing else of note on my brain. i'm off to play some sudoku before the presidential debate and a chat with my honey :)
find more of me:
gradschool,
work
10.2.12
clearly, i fail at the whole "get to bed by midnight" thing. at least i've been super productive the whole time. and it's not that i can't sleep, i just haven't crawled into bed yet *sigh*
- skipped class because i just couldn't mentally make myself get there. instead, i took care of some work things and came home. i had a lovely nap. mental health afternoon = win
- part of the issue was my freak out over counseling hours. after napping, i sat down and did the math based on my current client load. it's going to be close, but i may actually be ok. just gotta get my clients to show up every damn week :p :)
- i finished two assignments, relatively, on time. not that my assignments have been late. i'm just working up until the last second cause that's the only way i know how to roll. you'd think after over two decades of being a student i would have learned to work ahead
- got our business VPN all set up, and i'm pretty sure i have the settings correct. we'll see after i shoot K & N the access info. of course, checking and playing with the tool kept me occupied for a good chunk of time
- so many emails to respond to and calls to make tomorrow. plus picking up my dresses from the tailor, checking on my hallmark ornaments, meeting with dr. g-c and then meeting K & N. never. ending. busy
burning my shit at both ends has just become an understatement. good night
- skipped class because i just couldn't mentally make myself get there. instead, i took care of some work things and came home. i had a lovely nap. mental health afternoon = win
- part of the issue was my freak out over counseling hours. after napping, i sat down and did the math based on my current client load. it's going to be close, but i may actually be ok. just gotta get my clients to show up every damn week :p :)
- i finished two assignments, relatively, on time. not that my assignments have been late. i'm just working up until the last second cause that's the only way i know how to roll. you'd think after over two decades of being a student i would have learned to work ahead
- got our business VPN all set up, and i'm pretty sure i have the settings correct. we'll see after i shoot K & N the access info. of course, checking and playing with the tool kept me occupied for a good chunk of time
- so many emails to respond to and calls to make tomorrow. plus picking up my dresses from the tailor, checking on my hallmark ornaments, meeting with dr. g-c and then meeting K & N. never. ending. busy
burning my shit at both ends has just become an understatement. good night
find more of me:
gradschool,
work
October 2, 2012
10.1.12
this is my 251st post apparently. would be a huge milestone if it weren't for the fact, i practically never post. part of me wonders why i even opened this window. i'm so overwhelmed by things happening in my life, but i can't find the words to organize and attack
- i have back to back weddings the next two weekends. i'm in both. one's in tucson az; the other in richmond va. lots of travel, hairspray and happy tears are in my near future
- i have to cram all my homework into the days i'll be in md. i'm behind a couple weeks as it is so i really need to get on top of it all before midterm. i only have one exam, but i also have a bunch of write ups and two pappers as well
- i have to squeeze clients in during the week since i normally intern fri & sat. i'm already behind in my hours due to cancellations, no shows and some people who aren't fully committed to treatment. i'm trying not to panic though since my supervisor and another therapist keep passing me cases
- i made an interesting connection between my clients so my supervisor suggested we form a group. he thinks i should lead alone since it'd be focused on women's issues. i need to write up a proposal to present to our clients so i pulled what useful articles i could find. so far we have two interested clients, and i have a lot of extra reading
- there's a potential for three back to back birthday celebrations at the end of the month. another partially lost weekend means more cramming to get all my shit done. at least i'll get to see jesse for the first time in ages. working weekends + a glitchy laptop = major suckage
reaching the point where i usually shutdown, but trying my best not to let that happen. too much is riding on this semester. so i need to pull it together now before it's far too late. first step: not staying up til 2am for no damn reason. so, good night :)
find more of me:
diva drama,
gradschool
September 6, 2012
wine & love 13
so... uh... it's been awhile. this month already seems to be getting away from me, and it hasn't even been a full week. perfect time to recap the crazy, no? [
nora created this concept; suki is currently hosting :)]
reasons my glass is actually full of jack:
- one of the requirements for my counseling class is counseling two first year students. scheduling the first was easy, but our first session was horrible. plus the recording got fucked up so i couldn't review. scheduling the second has been much harder
- worrying about getting enough practicum hours. i fucked up, and it could majorly bite me in the ass come time to graduate (as in, i may not get to graduate) :(
- random pangs of jealousy and sadness. new engagements, tons of weddings, new babies... i'm really really not patient enough for this level of uncertainty in my life, despite what i try to project to the universe and those around me
reasons my heart is full of love:
- long weekend spent dog sitting. we had our moments, but he's a sweetheart. hanging out with him really makes me want a dog of my own. plus his owners are so awesome; B cracks me up when she checks in
- short week in the office thanks to the holiday, working from home and my internship. sucks that i'm spending my time filling shred bins as part of the annual file management process. BUT at least i'm not twiddling my thumbs at my desk all day for a change
- had a great business meeting yesterday. we're shifting some stuff around and getting refocused in different areas. good days ahead :)
- despite the worry over hours, i have my first real client. i can't wait to do counseling with an actual person with actual problems (not that our students didn't/don't have real problems; we just never go terribly deep since it's only practice)
- new baby sloth at one of my favorite places: national aquarium in baltimore! katey said its head looks like a cartoon kiwi, and now i can't stop seeing it lol
so what has you reaching for that second glass (in frustration or celebration)?
nora created this concept; suki is currently hosting :)] reasons my glass is actually full of jack:
- one of the requirements for my counseling class is counseling two first year students. scheduling the first was easy, but our first session was horrible. plus the recording got fucked up so i couldn't review. scheduling the second has been much harder
- worrying about getting enough practicum hours. i fucked up, and it could majorly bite me in the ass come time to graduate (as in, i may not get to graduate) :(
- random pangs of jealousy and sadness. new engagements, tons of weddings, new babies... i'm really really not patient enough for this level of uncertainty in my life, despite what i try to project to the universe and those around me
reasons my heart is full of love:
- long weekend spent dog sitting. we had our moments, but he's a sweetheart. hanging out with him really makes me want a dog of my own. plus his owners are so awesome; B cracks me up when she checks in
- short week in the office thanks to the holiday, working from home and my internship. sucks that i'm spending my time filling shred bins as part of the annual file management process. BUT at least i'm not twiddling my thumbs at my desk all day for a change
- had a great business meeting yesterday. we're shifting some stuff around and getting refocused in different areas. good days ahead :)
- despite the worry over hours, i have my first real client. i can't wait to do counseling with an actual person with actual problems (not that our students didn't/don't have real problems; we just never go terribly deep since it's only practice)
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| #adorable [source] |
so what has you reaching for that second glass (in frustration or celebration)?
find more of me:
gradschool,
wine and love
April 18, 2012
reversing the stress
reorganizing/updating my schedule gives me a happy. so i did a little of that this afternoon. forget the 6am wake up call. screw sunday homework. i wasn't doing it, and seeing it on the calendar was adding to my stress. i do need to find time for homework catch up, workouts and being domestic. i just won't try to pack as much into each day of the next three weeks (eek)
i also need to increase my accountability since i've obviously been majorly slacking. i'm turning to my mistress, tumblr for certain updates. (weekly meal and workout plans if you're interested) i've totally fucked up my goal to lose 17 pounds by bisc, but i'm still going to try getting back to my original weight watchers goal. i'm not going back to ww (mr. piggybank says, "denied!"), but i did save all my books and shit. so it's time to stop putting burritos where my mouth is. you know, instead of my money heh... well, i thought it was funny...
now i need to read some chapters, work on some presentations and think about what to cook next week. so i bid you adieu for now :)
i also need to increase my accountability since i've obviously been majorly slacking. i'm turning to my mistress, tumblr for certain updates. (weekly meal and workout plans if you're interested) i've totally fucked up my goal to lose 17 pounds by bisc, but i'm still going to try getting back to my original weight watchers goal. i'm not going back to ww (mr. piggybank says, "denied!"), but i did save all my books and shit. so it's time to stop putting burritos where my mouth is. you know, instead of my money heh... well, i thought it was funny...
now i need to read some chapters, work on some presentations and think about what to cook next week. so i bid you adieu for now :)
find more of me:
gradschool,
weighty
February 24, 2012
mental calm
i have a list of things i need to do. want to do. ought to do. guess what i'm not doing...
guess what else i'm not doing. obsessing. i'm not furiously updating my planner to capture all the readings i've missed. i'm going to do them, but i'm not writing them down. i'm also not updating and recalculating my received and projected grades for the millionth time. we got two of our first three grades back this week. perfect scores. normally, i'd write those in a crazy spreadsheet i use to determine how poorly i can perform and still pass. not today. i cheered in my head and went back to reading blogs. then i realized what a weird moment that was. that's so not like me
not sure if it's a good or bad thing since it's only one day. yesterday i was updating my planner with all the other stuff i need to do. tomorrow i'll be tackling as much reading as possible. there will be a little bit of both this afternoon. just not right now :)
[ps sunday was a complete fluke. no change since last week]
guess what else i'm not doing. obsessing. i'm not furiously updating my planner to capture all the readings i've missed. i'm going to do them, but i'm not writing them down. i'm also not updating and recalculating my received and projected grades for the millionth time. we got two of our first three grades back this week. perfect scores. normally, i'd write those in a crazy spreadsheet i use to determine how poorly i can perform and still pass. not today. i cheered in my head and went back to reading blogs. then i realized what a weird moment that was. that's so not like me
not sure if it's a good or bad thing since it's only one day. yesterday i was updating my planner with all the other stuff i need to do. tomorrow i'll be tackling as much reading as possible. there will be a little bit of both this afternoon. just not right now :)
[ps sunday was a complete fluke. no change since last week]
find more of me:
gradschool
February 6, 2012
self care
one of the big concerns in counseling is taking care of ourselves. we give and we give to others, but often forget to give anything to ourselves. one of the requirements for my practicum class is to create a self care plan for the semester. each week we must have a goal and write up a report on how we did. i've gotten better about self care over the last couple years, but i still struggle to make time. and now i'm struggling to put together a real plan since this is a class assignment. even though it doesn't matter what's on the plan, it's pressuring to know i'll be graded on how i treat myself :p
some of the things i've thought about: working out, reading for fun, blogging more, finding a therapist/going to therapy again, hanging out/staying in better touch with friends, playing video games (still haven't opened the ones i got for xmas)... all things i've been trying to do anyway (well, except for finding a new therapist). i'm just not sure how well i can stick to any of them. i want my down time to be full of fun things, but i tend to have too many options that overwhelm me. isn't that sad? "fun is overwhelming." time spent not doing homework, working on the business or doing (when i have it) work work seems like time wasted. or i have 4000 blog posts/show episodes i want to catch up on that never get read/watched. i know that's not the right way to look at it, and i'm working on shifting my perspective. it's just hard when i have five chapters to read for class, but take time for myself first. i had the same issue last semester. i got a little bit better, but dropped off towards the end. everything was stressing me out. i don't want the same thing to happen again
so i keep going through my mental list of fun things. shuffling my options, but never picking anything. i need to make some decisions soon since plans are due thurs. ugh sometimes i hate being in my own brain. can anyone save me from myself?
[ps - internship acquired supporting a substance abuse program. i'm not entirely thrilled, but at least i have something. i'll be leaving shortly to meet with the program director to discuss specifics. *fingers crossed* this semester won't be the horrible experience i've concocted in my head]
some of the things i've thought about: working out, reading for fun, blogging more, finding a therapist/going to therapy again, hanging out/staying in better touch with friends, playing video games (still haven't opened the ones i got for xmas)... all things i've been trying to do anyway (well, except for finding a new therapist). i'm just not sure how well i can stick to any of them. i want my down time to be full of fun things, but i tend to have too many options that overwhelm me. isn't that sad? "fun is overwhelming." time spent not doing homework, working on the business or doing (when i have it) work work seems like time wasted. or i have 4000 blog posts/show episodes i want to catch up on that never get read/watched. i know that's not the right way to look at it, and i'm working on shifting my perspective. it's just hard when i have five chapters to read for class, but take time for myself first. i had the same issue last semester. i got a little bit better, but dropped off towards the end. everything was stressing me out. i don't want the same thing to happen again
so i keep going through my mental list of fun things. shuffling my options, but never picking anything. i need to make some decisions soon since plans are due thurs. ugh sometimes i hate being in my own brain. can anyone save me from myself?
[ps - internship acquired supporting a substance abuse program. i'm not entirely thrilled, but at least i have something. i'll be leaving shortly to meet with the program director to discuss specifics. *fingers crossed* this semester won't be the horrible experience i've concocted in my head]
find more of me:
gradschool
January 26, 2012
wine & love11
let's pretend that i'm not a horribly inconsistent blogger these days. hooray for nora's weekly meme!
reasons my glass is double:
- my ravens lost to the damn patriots, and now our defensive coordinator is leaving to be indy's new head coach. both of these events are crushing my soul
- this woman i'm assisting is working all my damn nerves. she keeps compromising a file we're both working on so i have to fix it every time i open it. HUGE waste of time. three rants in the last 24 hours, and i'm still stabby
- my internship fell through for the semester. i either need to convince someone to bring me on at the last possible minute (class starts tonight) or drop practicum. under plan b, i'll be a semester behind for my graduation requirements
- got a call today that i might owe another $250 to the body shop for brutus' repairs. they're willing to work something out with me, but that's still aggravating. hoping my agent can get that shit sorted right quick
- i'm getting nervous that bossman won't approve my expenses from my work travel. company owes me money on top of my overtime pay, which i didn't calculate entirely until after my travel request was approved. i'm pretty sure cost would've been about the same if i'd flown and rented a car. still worried that the vp will throw a hissy about his budget so my boss will have to reject the report
reasons i'm loving this week:
- finally getting a software issue resolved so i could finish my online trainings. 100% complete way ahead of corporate's schedule. so i can put this potential work situation out of my head until april
- classes start today. i didn't feel much towards this semester until today when i packed my backpack. now i'm kinda excited to get rolling (despite the internship anxiety)
- finished my 4th book this week and got further into the marriage plot. i'm still back and forth in my opinion, but i'm looking to our book discussion sunday already. i've missed reading for fun so very very much
- last of my parts were installed this week. yay running boards! this weekend i'm getting everything cleaned out of the bitch so i can drop her off at my parents'. i also need to make a list of all the fixing up she needs. i'd like to give her to my brother as close to perfect as possible
- it's tax season! i'm still waiting on my W2, but i started popping in some stuff anyway. i love doing my taxes; yea, i'm a nerd. this may be the first year i do itemized deductions so there will be lots of playing with numbers :)
so what has you reaching for that second glass (in frustration or celebration)?
nora's weekly meme!reasons my glass is double:
- my ravens lost to the damn patriots, and now our defensive coordinator is leaving to be indy's new head coach. both of these events are crushing my soul
- this woman i'm assisting is working all my damn nerves. she keeps compromising a file we're both working on so i have to fix it every time i open it. HUGE waste of time. three rants in the last 24 hours, and i'm still stabby
- my internship fell through for the semester. i either need to convince someone to bring me on at the last possible minute (class starts tonight) or drop practicum. under plan b, i'll be a semester behind for my graduation requirements
- got a call today that i might owe another $250 to the body shop for brutus' repairs. they're willing to work something out with me, but that's still aggravating. hoping my agent can get that shit sorted right quick
- i'm getting nervous that bossman won't approve my expenses from my work travel. company owes me money on top of my overtime pay, which i didn't calculate entirely until after my travel request was approved. i'm pretty sure cost would've been about the same if i'd flown and rented a car. still worried that the vp will throw a hissy about his budget so my boss will have to reject the report
reasons i'm loving this week:
- finally getting a software issue resolved so i could finish my online trainings. 100% complete way ahead of corporate's schedule. so i can put this potential work situation out of my head until april
- classes start today. i didn't feel much towards this semester until today when i packed my backpack. now i'm kinda excited to get rolling (despite the internship anxiety)
- finished my 4th book this week and got further into the marriage plot. i'm still back and forth in my opinion, but i'm looking to our book discussion sunday already. i've missed reading for fun so very very much
- last of my parts were installed this week. yay running boards! this weekend i'm getting everything cleaned out of the bitch so i can drop her off at my parents'. i also need to make a list of all the fixing up she needs. i'd like to give her to my brother as close to perfect as possible
- it's tax season! i'm still waiting on my W2, but i started popping in some stuff anyway. i love doing my taxes; yea, i'm a nerd. this may be the first year i do itemized deductions so there will be lots of playing with numbers :)
so what has you reaching for that second glass (in frustration or celebration)?
find more of me:
gradschool,
wine and love,
work
December 7, 2011
choices
i have a tummyache... because i am five and whiny and stressed out and wanting my mom to just make it better and close to tears and STRESSED THE FUCK OUT... and i've had it since saturday. not like round the clock, but for a few hours at various points each day, it just aches
i chose to call my mom. she didn't answer. so i had an afternoon snack. my usual "oh my god someone call intervention because i can't stop spooning peanut butter in my face!" snack. i didn't want it. i called my mom again because i knew, right then, i was having a moment. she tried to talk me down, tell me to breath, reinforce how well i'm doing, encourage me, etc. in a 10 minute conversation. she has a job, too. people there need her or some shit. she asked if we needed to meet though. i declined. i think i mostly need a nap
wrong. i need a moment to have my moment. that nap is not a nap. it's the end of the stress spiral in which i am incapacitated by ALL THE THINGS. i am choosing not to let that happen. i know that i will be practically catatonic for the next few days should i choose otherwise. i do not have time for that, and it would only bring me back to the beginning of the spiral
instead, i have chosen to take this afternoon off. i am packing my books back up so they can't taunt me. i am clearing my desk of the work tasks i can do tomorrow. i'm not procrastinating to avoid; i'm taking a mental break from this insanity i created. i confirmed my missing grades so i know i have As in both classes. i am choosing to relax knowing it will be ok
i chose to skim blog posts from november. i am now choosing to mark the rest as read. i am choosing to ignore the last two days worth of tweets. i have an hour left at the office, and i am going to spend it doing puzzles online... this all sounds like procrastination. however, the difference is that i have actively decided to give myself a break rather than hiding in the internets from the big bad to do list i created. i need to reclaim my mental space before hormones and stress and whatever else lurks in my system pull me into the darkness
my tummy feels better now...
i chose to call my mom. she didn't answer. so i had an afternoon snack. my usual "oh my god someone call intervention because i can't stop spooning peanut butter in my face!" snack. i didn't want it. i called my mom again because i knew, right then, i was having a moment. she tried to talk me down, tell me to breath, reinforce how well i'm doing, encourage me, etc. in a 10 minute conversation. she has a job, too. people there need her or some shit. she asked if we needed to meet though. i declined. i think i mostly need a nap
wrong. i need a moment to have my moment. that nap is not a nap. it's the end of the stress spiral in which i am incapacitated by ALL THE THINGS. i am choosing not to let that happen. i know that i will be practically catatonic for the next few days should i choose otherwise. i do not have time for that, and it would only bring me back to the beginning of the spiral
instead, i have chosen to take this afternoon off. i am packing my books back up so they can't taunt me. i am clearing my desk of the work tasks i can do tomorrow. i'm not procrastinating to avoid; i'm taking a mental break from this insanity i created. i confirmed my missing grades so i know i have As in both classes. i am choosing to relax knowing it will be ok
i chose to skim blog posts from november. i am now choosing to mark the rest as read. i am choosing to ignore the last two days worth of tweets. i have an hour left at the office, and i am going to spend it doing puzzles online... this all sounds like procrastination. however, the difference is that i have actively decided to give myself a break rather than hiding in the internets from the big bad to do list i created. i need to reclaim my mental space before hormones and stress and whatever else lurks in my system pull me into the darkness
my tummy feels better now...
find more of me:
attitude adjustment,
gradschool
November 30, 2011
time for change
i have things i want to say, and i continually don't say them. i have nothing to say, and i stare at this little box looking for something. lack of motivation. lack of time. lack of interest. forgetfulness. getting overwhelmed... the semester is speeding up and winding down at the same time. five assignments (including finals) and two weeks left. i'm disappointed in the quality of one class; i'm kind of sad my other class is ending. which is which surprises me given my feelings going into this semester
i have this massive to do list. it includes work, school and misc personal stuff i want/need to accomplish in the next few weeks. it's freaking me out, but going into each day with no plan freaks me out more. i hate getting to this point in the semester. i let things overwhelm me and pile up. then the pile up overwhelms me further, and i shut down. i've been shut down since october :( i planned out my november so that i could get back on course. i squandered all my waking hours playing online games. i wanted to read a book over the holiday weekend. i got as far as opening it on my kindle. i managed to complete two of three class assignments yesterday. only the two that were due yesterday. i now have four chapters to read for one class. the four i wanted to have read two weeks ago so that i could start focusing on final prep
i always have a game plan. i just suck at follow through. i am incredibly organized, and i let all my effort go to waste. i need to knock it off
this is my "i'm disappointed in you" speech to self. i cannot keep beating myself up for slacking. too much is at stake, and this berating just becomes more wasted time. i say, "i will start doing better today" every single day. today it needs to be true. as soon as i post this, i'm going to jump on a personal thing from my list while i eat breakfast. i worked from home yesterday so i'm going to check my email before i pack up my laptop. when i get to the office, i'm going to read the two chapters i should've had read for the last two weeks. if i finish before five, i'll try to get caught up on a few blogs. when i get home, i'll work on clearing out the tivo
this is my plan to get my shit together. it's time to start executing
i have this massive to do list. it includes work, school and misc personal stuff i want/need to accomplish in the next few weeks. it's freaking me out, but going into each day with no plan freaks me out more. i hate getting to this point in the semester. i let things overwhelm me and pile up. then the pile up overwhelms me further, and i shut down. i've been shut down since october :( i planned out my november so that i could get back on course. i squandered all my waking hours playing online games. i wanted to read a book over the holiday weekend. i got as far as opening it on my kindle. i managed to complete two of three class assignments yesterday. only the two that were due yesterday. i now have four chapters to read for one class. the four i wanted to have read two weeks ago so that i could start focusing on final prep
i always have a game plan. i just suck at follow through. i am incredibly organized, and i let all my effort go to waste. i need to knock it off
this is my "i'm disappointed in you" speech to self. i cannot keep beating myself up for slacking. too much is at stake, and this berating just becomes more wasted time. i say, "i will start doing better today" every single day. today it needs to be true. as soon as i post this, i'm going to jump on a personal thing from my list while i eat breakfast. i worked from home yesterday so i'm going to check my email before i pack up my laptop. when i get to the office, i'm going to read the two chapters i should've had read for the last two weeks. if i finish before five, i'll try to get caught up on a few blogs. when i get home, i'll work on clearing out the tivo
this is my plan to get my shit together. it's time to start executing
find more of me:
attitude adjustment,
gradschool,
resolutions,
work
November 10, 2011
infuriating things
i started a post a few weeks ago when i was freaking out about a huge research paper i had due. the paper got done. i only got three hours of sleep in a 24 hour period, and i missed the entire lecture portion of my group therapy class. but that paper was completed on time. class was cancelled due to an emergency so i left campus livid. i'm still kind of pissed that we weren't given an extra week even though it was pretty clear he wouldn't be reading our papers until he collected the hard copies. whatever. i better get an A on that bitch. i often joke that my master's should be in procrastination. i gave myself an entire two weeks for that paper; i wasted all of that time. afterwards, i gave myself a day to recoup mentally. i have yet to finish a single reading from the last week. i know better than this; yet i keep putting myself in this situation. i tell myself the bullshit stops now. i tell myself i'm going to start my day a certain way. i tell myself... all sorts of other lies. because the internet is always waiting, pulling, asking me to play. i'm catching up on blog posts from october. i'm keeping (or trying to keep) my tumblr unreads under 100. i'm trying to keep up with twitter friends because i'm worried about them. ugh and i started this semester so strongly...
today, however, i am too angry with the internet to spend all my time sifting through it. i am angry with the offline people i care most about. i am angry that our world is so fucked up and people are too self absorbed to see things for what they are. i am questioning the people around me. i am questioning myself, but i know what i would have done as a person, as a future mental health professional, as a future parent. conrad murray. herman cain. jerry sandusky. these stories hurt my soul
i didn't follow the murray trial; i have half an unpopular opinion. he absolutely did the wrong thing in prescribing/administering medication to jackson who needed psychological care more than anything. vilifying him is not going to do much of anything in the grand scheme of proper healthy care. to me, this is another high profile case designed to appease the unruly masses... herman cain is a sketchy bastard who i truly believe sexually harassed those women. that being said, i think sharon bialek is suspicious. her allegations are not about sexual harassment; if true, she was sexually assaulted, a criminal act. if she's only seeking an apology or putting a name/face to the allegations now, why did she hire gloria alred? if she's pressing charges, the statute of limitations for the assault has run out (which is fucked up in its own right). the other women reported the incidents when they happened and steps were taken to shoo them away. bialek said nothing and her claims are far worse than harassment. she doesn't come across as the type to keep her mouth shut for this long. i don't care about her financial or marital situation, but there is something about her i simply don't trust
i cannot fully express to you the anger i have towards jerry sandusky and penn state. i didn't pay attention to the original reports. in the twitter jumble, i saw that someone witnessed sandusky with a kid/player on campus. i honestly thought this was about sandusky having a relationship with a college student. whatever, it happens. then i heard "jerry sandusky - child molestation" on the news. i freaked out on two levels. one because i thought they were talking about gerry sandusky, one of our local news anchors. two: MOLESTATION!?? finally getting all the pieces straight, i realized this was about a different dude, minors and years of lies. i hope he spends the rest of his miserable life in prison. i was glad to hear that schultz and curley were arrested for not reporting the allegations to any police authority. i was also glad to hear paterno and spanier were fired. i think mcqueary should be next on the chopping block at penn state, and spanier should also be arrested for failing to report. not a single one of these men went to police about the rape of a 10 year old boy. paterno and mcqueary may have done the right thing notifying superiors, but they didn't do enough
PA state law requires that such allegations be reported to the police within 48 hours. even if paterno and mcqueary didn't know the 48 hour requirement, they had to have known something was up when no one from the university or county/state police department contacted either of them to follow up. mcqueary was an eye witness. he most certainly should have expected a call from the proper authorities. yet they let this all go for almost a decade. while neither of them committed a crime in the eyes of the law, neither of them did enough to really protect the children who crossed sandusky's path. sandusky was a foster parent and ran a special program for at risk youth. he was constantly around children and adolescents. there was a pattern of behavior that many found bizarre and uncomfortable; the majority of people said nothing. he'd been under investigation in 1998 because of inappropriate contact. but when you actually see a rape in front of you? you don't do everything in your power to ensure that it doesn't happen again? are you fucking serious? you'd rather sacrifice that child and other children for your precious fucking football program?! paterno doesn't deserve the dignity of finishing his career and resigning. mcqueary doesn't deserve the right to continue business as usual either. they brought this shame on themselves, and they should live with that every fucking day
today, however, i am too angry with the internet to spend all my time sifting through it. i am angry with the offline people i care most about. i am angry that our world is so fucked up and people are too self absorbed to see things for what they are. i am questioning the people around me. i am questioning myself, but i know what i would have done as a person, as a future mental health professional, as a future parent. conrad murray. herman cain. jerry sandusky. these stories hurt my soul
i didn't follow the murray trial; i have half an unpopular opinion. he absolutely did the wrong thing in prescribing/administering medication to jackson who needed psychological care more than anything. vilifying him is not going to do much of anything in the grand scheme of proper healthy care. to me, this is another high profile case designed to appease the unruly masses... herman cain is a sketchy bastard who i truly believe sexually harassed those women. that being said, i think sharon bialek is suspicious. her allegations are not about sexual harassment; if true, she was sexually assaulted, a criminal act. if she's only seeking an apology or putting a name/face to the allegations now, why did she hire gloria alred? if she's pressing charges, the statute of limitations for the assault has run out (which is fucked up in its own right). the other women reported the incidents when they happened and steps were taken to shoo them away. bialek said nothing and her claims are far worse than harassment. she doesn't come across as the type to keep her mouth shut for this long. i don't care about her financial or marital situation, but there is something about her i simply don't trust
i cannot fully express to you the anger i have towards jerry sandusky and penn state. i didn't pay attention to the original reports. in the twitter jumble, i saw that someone witnessed sandusky with a kid/player on campus. i honestly thought this was about sandusky having a relationship with a college student. whatever, it happens. then i heard "jerry sandusky - child molestation" on the news. i freaked out on two levels. one because i thought they were talking about gerry sandusky, one of our local news anchors. two: MOLESTATION!?? finally getting all the pieces straight, i realized this was about a different dude, minors and years of lies. i hope he spends the rest of his miserable life in prison. i was glad to hear that schultz and curley were arrested for not reporting the allegations to any police authority. i was also glad to hear paterno and spanier were fired. i think mcqueary should be next on the chopping block at penn state, and spanier should also be arrested for failing to report. not a single one of these men went to police about the rape of a 10 year old boy. paterno and mcqueary may have done the right thing notifying superiors, but they didn't do enough
PA state law requires that such allegations be reported to the police within 48 hours. even if paterno and mcqueary didn't know the 48 hour requirement, they had to have known something was up when no one from the university or county/state police department contacted either of them to follow up. mcqueary was an eye witness. he most certainly should have expected a call from the proper authorities. yet they let this all go for almost a decade. while neither of them committed a crime in the eyes of the law, neither of them did enough to really protect the children who crossed sandusky's path. sandusky was a foster parent and ran a special program for at risk youth. he was constantly around children and adolescents. there was a pattern of behavior that many found bizarre and uncomfortable; the majority of people said nothing. he'd been under investigation in 1998 because of inappropriate contact. but when you actually see a rape in front of you? you don't do everything in your power to ensure that it doesn't happen again? are you fucking serious? you'd rather sacrifice that child and other children for your precious fucking football program?! paterno doesn't deserve the dignity of finishing his career and resigning. mcqueary doesn't deserve the right to continue business as usual either. they brought this shame on themselves, and they should live with that every fucking day
find more of me:
diva drama,
gradschool
October 13, 2011
wine & love8
hosted by the ever fabulous nora! oh, what a week...
reasons my glass is double:
- several days of rain starting the same week i'm pmsing. i have so little energy; i'm staying awake by sheer force of (waning) will
- not accomplishing as much as i needed to over the weekend so i had to cram everything into two days. that resulted in only two hours of sleep one night, which doesn't help my already exhausted self
- got my contingency planning assignment*, which doesn't require extra training yet. in the job aid, it lists my restrictions as colorblind, unable to stand for long periods or bend and exceeding ladder weight restrictions (325 lbs!!!). not one of these things is true, and i don't know where the information came from. none of that is in my employee profile *scowl*
- this work project is driving me insane. i seriously hate managing people and fielding questions i can't answer. it doesn't help that this woman keeps asking me the same fucking question. i've told her what i know, and i'm dealing with people on the other side of the world. i can't get you an immediate different answer so STOP ASKING
- general impatience and annoyance with everything. mixed in with some bullshit causing justified annoyance
reasons i'm loving this week:
- i had a lot of fun while i wasn't getting any work done. dinner at brewers art was amazing. chuck's rugby match was fun even though i didn't have a clue what was going on. and the wii party was full of ridiculous awesome (post coming soon)
- i attended a few psych webinars. two were boring, but the eating disorder session was great. the presenter was fantastic, and i'm pulling her studies for my research paper :)
- 1st midterm and 2nd paper done. i think i did pretty well on the midterm, but i'm concerned about the paper after tuesday's discussion. it's mostly opinion based. however, my opinion was based on a misunderstood concept. we'll see in two weeks. gotta refocus on the next midterm, another paper and prepping for my group...
- midweek massages and margaritas (and tacos and queso and girl chats). much needed on all counts
- JP GOT ENGAGED! she's one of my best girls, and i'm so incredibly happy for her (and a wee jealous). so excited that i ordered her little pink box gift while we were on the phone. can i just say that i've had her and HB's gifts picked out for ages?! i knew these boys were right :)
so what has you reaching for that second glass (in frustration or celebration)?
*basically, the union role i would fill should they go on strike next spring. we go through this every two years since half the company is unionized. i have my qualms with unions, but i don't believe in scabbing
nora! oh, what a week...reasons my glass is double:
- several days of rain starting the same week i'm pmsing. i have so little energy; i'm staying awake by sheer force of (waning) will
- not accomplishing as much as i needed to over the weekend so i had to cram everything into two days. that resulted in only two hours of sleep one night, which doesn't help my already exhausted self
- got my contingency planning assignment*, which doesn't require extra training yet. in the job aid, it lists my restrictions as colorblind, unable to stand for long periods or bend and exceeding ladder weight restrictions (325 lbs!!!). not one of these things is true, and i don't know where the information came from. none of that is in my employee profile *scowl*
- this work project is driving me insane. i seriously hate managing people and fielding questions i can't answer. it doesn't help that this woman keeps asking me the same fucking question. i've told her what i know, and i'm dealing with people on the other side of the world. i can't get you an immediate different answer so STOP ASKING
- general impatience and annoyance with everything. mixed in with some bullshit causing justified annoyance
reasons i'm loving this week:
- i had a lot of fun while i wasn't getting any work done. dinner at brewers art was amazing. chuck's rugby match was fun even though i didn't have a clue what was going on. and the wii party was full of ridiculous awesome (post coming soon)
- i attended a few psych webinars. two were boring, but the eating disorder session was great. the presenter was fantastic, and i'm pulling her studies for my research paper :)
- 1st midterm and 2nd paper done. i think i did pretty well on the midterm, but i'm concerned about the paper after tuesday's discussion. it's mostly opinion based. however, my opinion was based on a misunderstood concept. we'll see in two weeks. gotta refocus on the next midterm, another paper and prepping for my group...
- midweek massages and margaritas (and tacos and queso and girl chats). much needed on all counts
- JP GOT ENGAGED! she's one of my best girls, and i'm so incredibly happy for her (and a wee jealous). so excited that i ordered her little pink box gift while we were on the phone. can i just say that i've had her and HB's gifts picked out for ages?! i knew these boys were right :)
so what has you reaching for that second glass (in frustration or celebration)?
*basically, the union role i would fill should they go on strike next spring. we go through this every two years since half the company is unionized. i have my qualms with unions, but i don't believe in scabbing
find more of me:
besties,
gradschool,
wine and love,
work
September 16, 2011
getting it together
this week has been driving me crazy. to start, i freaked out the other day about my finances. i'm still paying off my last minute trips to georgia, and i just got slapped with a $1500 estimate for car maintenance. the one item i absolutely need is the most expensive on the list, which i most certainly can't cover right now. although, the guy who wrote up the estimate put in the wrong quantities for a couple items so i had to recalculate. i think i might run by when my girl is working to get a proper one done. it's still gonna cost my first born, but at least i'll have all the right info
my first instinct was to take care of my car and not put money in my savings. this is when i really started to lose my shit. all of my savings goals are carefully calculated. i'm already not sure i'll meet my "quitting my job to be a full time intern for a semester" goal, but that's only one of five goals that i am actively working on. there are seven others on hold. i am a saving fiend! one of those current goals is for a new car at the end of the year. forsake the new baby for my old lady? um... um... no? but then i'll be giving the car back to my mom in double crappy condition. she also needs some major body work done. i usually treat my things very nicely, but i could never afford to have the damage fixed. and i refuse to let my mom pay for it. so i'd like to at least have her regular maintenance taken care of; i'll figure out the body work some other time. i know i can give the car back with the understanding that i would have her fixed up over time. i just dunno if i wanna do that. and mom still doesn't know what she wants to do with the car
so i started thinking about my budget options. looking at my debts and living expenses to see if there's anywhere i could squeeze some extra cash for car expenses. not unless i want to pay the absolutely minimum on my debts. uh no *sigh* i need an extra paycheck, but that just ain't happening. on the upside though, i realized i might be able to get my credit cards paid off sooner if i made a few small adjustments. double nice because i want to close one of the accounts after i get the car. i need the credit history for now, but i'm really not liking the issuing company. two days later, i'm feeling much more confident about the new plan to take care of business financially, staying within my current means
making better budget plans led to a new homework plan. i have a million pages of reading each week plus a video to process and workbook pages to complete. i constantly feel like i'm going in too many directions, and i haven't been able to keep up. this is week three, and i was still catching up on reading from week one. no bueno. so i sat down with my syllabus and planner to figure out what the fuck was going on. instead of focusing on catching up, i also looked at the next two weeks. basically, what needs to be done through the end of the month. instead of trying to read as much as possible during a certain block of time, i gave myself one assignment per day. narrowing my focus to avoid "i'm such a procrastinator" frustration. i walked into work wed with every intention of reading a chapter because i normally have nothing to do. instead i had my second panic of the week...
last week, my team informed me that they hadn't, as yet, found what we were looking for in this audit. really not good. i had a file on wed of what had been researched so far. i opened it and immediately ignored it. ugly spreadsheets make my head hurt. instead i putzed around online for a couple hours. wed is my short day so putting off work until 2pm was not my brightest idea. i spent the next two and a half hours trying to make sense of the file and freaking out. i was pretty sure my team was confused about a certain point. however, i was convinced i was also missing something important. not having an inkling of what it was, i couldn't formulate a question to pose to my POC. so i put it off until yesterday. i spent most of the day refreaking out over the file before i just gave up. i sent a note back to my team to clear up the confusion. i could wait another day to see if i could sort through what we could possibly be missing...
in the midst of all that work insanity, guess what didn't get done. my fucking homework. frustrated, agitated and convinced i was gonna give myself an ulcer before the week was out. by some miracle of awesomeness, i got the two chapters i wanted to read done with plenty of time for other stuff. i even dozed off for a minute last night halfway through the chapter. new plan of attack might actually be working. it probably helps that last night's business meeting was cancelled. i had a couple extra hours to play with... i walked in today to a response from my team and my boss. i touched base with my POC, and i think all is ok. we may be missing a piece, but it's not vital to the audit. i've checked all my usual time wasters this morning and even spent some time looking at car dealerships. dude i want to work with hasn't responded to my inquiry yet so i'm searching for a potential replacement. i'm very selective about who i do business with. i need to find someone i feel comfortable with who isn't going to harass the shit out of me until i buy something...
i hate these occasional panics, but i just might be in a better position because of them. today, i've got my shit together, and i'm ready to face the next stretch head on. now i'm gonna go make my lunch and start this next chapter. should be a good one; it's conduct disorders :)
my first instinct was to take care of my car and not put money in my savings. this is when i really started to lose my shit. all of my savings goals are carefully calculated. i'm already not sure i'll meet my "quitting my job to be a full time intern for a semester" goal, but that's only one of five goals that i am actively working on. there are seven others on hold. i am a saving fiend! one of those current goals is for a new car at the end of the year. forsake the new baby for my old lady? um... um... no? but then i'll be giving the car back to my mom in double crappy condition. she also needs some major body work done. i usually treat my things very nicely, but i could never afford to have the damage fixed. and i refuse to let my mom pay for it. so i'd like to at least have her regular maintenance taken care of; i'll figure out the body work some other time. i know i can give the car back with the understanding that i would have her fixed up over time. i just dunno if i wanna do that. and mom still doesn't know what she wants to do with the car
so i started thinking about my budget options. looking at my debts and living expenses to see if there's anywhere i could squeeze some extra cash for car expenses. not unless i want to pay the absolutely minimum on my debts. uh no *sigh* i need an extra paycheck, but that just ain't happening. on the upside though, i realized i might be able to get my credit cards paid off sooner if i made a few small adjustments. double nice because i want to close one of the accounts after i get the car. i need the credit history for now, but i'm really not liking the issuing company. two days later, i'm feeling much more confident about the new plan to take care of business financially, staying within my current means
making better budget plans led to a new homework plan. i have a million pages of reading each week plus a video to process and workbook pages to complete. i constantly feel like i'm going in too many directions, and i haven't been able to keep up. this is week three, and i was still catching up on reading from week one. no bueno. so i sat down with my syllabus and planner to figure out what the fuck was going on. instead of focusing on catching up, i also looked at the next two weeks. basically, what needs to be done through the end of the month. instead of trying to read as much as possible during a certain block of time, i gave myself one assignment per day. narrowing my focus to avoid "i'm such a procrastinator" frustration. i walked into work wed with every intention of reading a chapter because i normally have nothing to do. instead i had my second panic of the week...
last week, my team informed me that they hadn't, as yet, found what we were looking for in this audit. really not good. i had a file on wed of what had been researched so far. i opened it and immediately ignored it. ugly spreadsheets make my head hurt. instead i putzed around online for a couple hours. wed is my short day so putting off work until 2pm was not my brightest idea. i spent the next two and a half hours trying to make sense of the file and freaking out. i was pretty sure my team was confused about a certain point. however, i was convinced i was also missing something important. not having an inkling of what it was, i couldn't formulate a question to pose to my POC. so i put it off until yesterday. i spent most of the day refreaking out over the file before i just gave up. i sent a note back to my team to clear up the confusion. i could wait another day to see if i could sort through what we could possibly be missing...
in the midst of all that work insanity, guess what didn't get done. my fucking homework. frustrated, agitated and convinced i was gonna give myself an ulcer before the week was out. by some miracle of awesomeness, i got the two chapters i wanted to read done with plenty of time for other stuff. i even dozed off for a minute last night halfway through the chapter. new plan of attack might actually be working. it probably helps that last night's business meeting was cancelled. i had a couple extra hours to play with... i walked in today to a response from my team and my boss. i touched base with my POC, and i think all is ok. we may be missing a piece, but it's not vital to the audit. i've checked all my usual time wasters this morning and even spent some time looking at car dealerships. dude i want to work with hasn't responded to my inquiry yet so i'm searching for a potential replacement. i'm very selective about who i do business with. i need to find someone i feel comfortable with who isn't going to harass the shit out of me until i buy something...
i hate these occasional panics, but i just might be in a better position because of them. today, i've got my shit together, and i'm ready to face the next stretch head on. now i'm gonna go make my lunch and start this next chapter. should be a good one; it's conduct disorders :)
find more of me:
gradschool,
resolutions,
work
August 14, 2011
off the rails
so much has happened in the last few weeks. emotionally, it's hard to keep up. i've started four posts about the happenings; clearly, nothing's been published. i have a few more posts rolling through my head that i haven't had the time or patience to flesh out. i want to get back on track with everything, but i need to visualize and plan it all out first. here's what's up:
*grad school: i'm embarrassed to admit my academic defeats so i doubt i detailed much of this before. i'll start towards the beginning. last semester, i was on probation. i got fucked in the fall so my gpa dived. i tried my best to get what i needed to get it back up, but fell just short. it doesn't help that one of my grades may be wrong. no, it's not going to boost me over the threshold, but every point counts. unfortunately, JB is an asshole. it took him a week to respond to each of my emails; then he just stopped responding altogether. at the end of june, i got the letter saying i was officially suspended. no class for me in the fall, and i'd have to jump through hoops to be allowed back in for the spring. i had a meeting with the program director, now EJ (JB was the interim director while TM was on sabbatical). i was almost in tears at the end of the meeting. happy tears. she and SB (director of academic advising) believed i should get another chance so they were going to waive my suspension. no begging or pleading from me required. i registered for classes a couple weeks ago. i had a meeting with SB this week to discuss the numbers and do the paperwork. she wanted to hammer home how important this semester is, which i totally agree with. if i don't get the grades, i'm done. that is not an option. much like last semester, things will be difficult and i'm ready for the challenge. i have another email in to JB, i put in my paperwork for my education benefits and my money is ready to go
*finances: i was obsessing over and reconfiguring my savings goals because of the semester beginning. then i started focusing on my long term goals. after days of checking and rechecking, i realized how beneficial having a side hustle would be for me. paying off students loans and saving for huge future purchases over three years without using money from my primary job? sign me up! of course, that was before i reconfigured the MKN budget. there are quite a few assumptions built in given that we dumped our first client before any business was done. once things get moving though, i think everything will work out nicely for the business and us
*work: i'm managing a project that i'd rather be doing. i have the boring job of coordinating between people. i'd much rather be running and analyzing reports, even if it's a cumbersome, time consuming task for one person. what else do i have to do? granted, just like last semester, my lack of projects gives me more time to do homework. i'll be taking full advantage of that given the insane workload i'm going to get
*family: my grandmother was sent to hospice on the 31st because her kidneys appeared to be shutting down. on the 1st, the nurse thought the doctor had misdiagnosed her because she was doing better. the morning of the 2nd, she died. i'm glad i had better sense than to believe what the nurse told my mom monday. false hope is the worst when dealing with sickness and death. she lived 100 amazing years, and her body decided it was time to go. my parents went down to atlanta wednesday to get everything together for the funeral. i went down thursday to help mom because i knew she wouldn't get the support and assistance she needed. her side of the family is wonderful, but they just don't get us. we spent two days running around and making phone calls and two days trying to mentally prepare. tuesday afternoon, we said good bye. over the week, we shared a lot of stories, jokes and tears. we saw a lot of old faces, too. sometimes i forgot what a big heart she had; she touched so many people in one way or another. everyone was a part of her family, not just those of us tied by bloodlines
*health: the stress of the last two weeks took a toll on me physically. mindless eating to the extreme. i still documented every bit of what i ate and drank. so i know i ate at least double my daily allotment every single day i was in atlanta. before i left, i was barely eating at all. i had to consciously remind myself to eat because i simply wasn't hungry. i've been home since wednesday evening, and i still feel way off. my body has done everything it can to let me know it is displeased. even thinking about it now is making my stomach turn... i shouldn't really call it mindless eating. i kept saying i was craving sugar, but i wasn't really craving it. i had an insane compulsion to devour sweets. all of my eating was compulsive. i stripped the skin off a chicken thigh like i used to when i was little. i've always disliked chicken, but i love the fried skin. i ate a whole leg. then i ate the skin my mom hadn't wanted. then i ate all the bits that had fallen into the box. then i grabbed a thigh and methodically removed all its skin. cameron asked, halfway through, if i was going to eat the rest. with no hesitation or guilt, i said "no, i don't want it" like i was seven years old all over again... i'm feeling more mentally myself, but i know i started to undo all the good i've done. i dread getting on the scale this morning, but i know it's the next step in getting back on track
*random: jesse sent me this old article a few weeks ago that still has me thinking. do i see what's out there or do i focus on the minutia? over the last year or so, i think i'm opening myself up to more possibilities. i know where i want to go, but i'm more willing to try different paths to get there. i'm still a detail oriented planner; i will always stress over the little things. i'm just allowing myself to be guided a bit more by the universe instead of forcing/rushing the universe to fulfill my demands
given all i have/need to get done, i really need a game plan. i've already set up my personal schedule for the fall, which includes all the usual obligations for work, school and myself. i'm buying books this week so i can get a headstart on readings. eight books between two classes means no wasted moments. i'm hoping the week off for the funeral hasn't screwed with my momentum. i have wiggle room, but not much. like usual, the schedule is probably overly ambitious, but i don't know how else to be
*grad school: i'm embarrassed to admit my academic defeats so i doubt i detailed much of this before. i'll start towards the beginning. last semester, i was on probation. i got fucked in the fall so my gpa dived. i tried my best to get what i needed to get it back up, but fell just short. it doesn't help that one of my grades may be wrong. no, it's not going to boost me over the threshold, but every point counts. unfortunately, JB is an asshole. it took him a week to respond to each of my emails; then he just stopped responding altogether. at the end of june, i got the letter saying i was officially suspended. no class for me in the fall, and i'd have to jump through hoops to be allowed back in for the spring. i had a meeting with the program director, now EJ (JB was the interim director while TM was on sabbatical). i was almost in tears at the end of the meeting. happy tears. she and SB (director of academic advising) believed i should get another chance so they were going to waive my suspension. no begging or pleading from me required. i registered for classes a couple weeks ago. i had a meeting with SB this week to discuss the numbers and do the paperwork. she wanted to hammer home how important this semester is, which i totally agree with. if i don't get the grades, i'm done. that is not an option. much like last semester, things will be difficult and i'm ready for the challenge. i have another email in to JB, i put in my paperwork for my education benefits and my money is ready to go
*finances: i was obsessing over and reconfiguring my savings goals because of the semester beginning. then i started focusing on my long term goals. after days of checking and rechecking, i realized how beneficial having a side hustle would be for me. paying off students loans and saving for huge future purchases over three years without using money from my primary job? sign me up! of course, that was before i reconfigured the MKN budget. there are quite a few assumptions built in given that we dumped our first client before any business was done. once things get moving though, i think everything will work out nicely for the business and us
*work: i'm managing a project that i'd rather be doing. i have the boring job of coordinating between people. i'd much rather be running and analyzing reports, even if it's a cumbersome, time consuming task for one person. what else do i have to do? granted, just like last semester, my lack of projects gives me more time to do homework. i'll be taking full advantage of that given the insane workload i'm going to get
*family: my grandmother was sent to hospice on the 31st because her kidneys appeared to be shutting down. on the 1st, the nurse thought the doctor had misdiagnosed her because she was doing better. the morning of the 2nd, she died. i'm glad i had better sense than to believe what the nurse told my mom monday. false hope is the worst when dealing with sickness and death. she lived 100 amazing years, and her body decided it was time to go. my parents went down to atlanta wednesday to get everything together for the funeral. i went down thursday to help mom because i knew she wouldn't get the support and assistance she needed. her side of the family is wonderful, but they just don't get us. we spent two days running around and making phone calls and two days trying to mentally prepare. tuesday afternoon, we said good bye. over the week, we shared a lot of stories, jokes and tears. we saw a lot of old faces, too. sometimes i forgot what a big heart she had; she touched so many people in one way or another. everyone was a part of her family, not just those of us tied by bloodlines
*health: the stress of the last two weeks took a toll on me physically. mindless eating to the extreme. i still documented every bit of what i ate and drank. so i know i ate at least double my daily allotment every single day i was in atlanta. before i left, i was barely eating at all. i had to consciously remind myself to eat because i simply wasn't hungry. i've been home since wednesday evening, and i still feel way off. my body has done everything it can to let me know it is displeased. even thinking about it now is making my stomach turn... i shouldn't really call it mindless eating. i kept saying i was craving sugar, but i wasn't really craving it. i had an insane compulsion to devour sweets. all of my eating was compulsive. i stripped the skin off a chicken thigh like i used to when i was little. i've always disliked chicken, but i love the fried skin. i ate a whole leg. then i ate the skin my mom hadn't wanted. then i ate all the bits that had fallen into the box. then i grabbed a thigh and methodically removed all its skin. cameron asked, halfway through, if i was going to eat the rest. with no hesitation or guilt, i said "no, i don't want it" like i was seven years old all over again... i'm feeling more mentally myself, but i know i started to undo all the good i've done. i dread getting on the scale this morning, but i know it's the next step in getting back on track
*random: jesse sent me this old article a few weeks ago that still has me thinking. do i see what's out there or do i focus on the minutia? over the last year or so, i think i'm opening myself up to more possibilities. i know where i want to go, but i'm more willing to try different paths to get there. i'm still a detail oriented planner; i will always stress over the little things. i'm just allowing myself to be guided a bit more by the universe instead of forcing/rushing the universe to fulfill my demands
given all i have/need to get done, i really need a game plan. i've already set up my personal schedule for the fall, which includes all the usual obligations for work, school and myself. i'm buying books this week so i can get a headstart on readings. eight books between two classes means no wasted moments. i'm hoping the week off for the funeral hasn't screwed with my momentum. i have wiggle room, but not much. like usual, the schedule is probably overly ambitious, but i don't know how else to be
find more of me:
gradschool,
i'm too much,
real life loves,
the future freaks me out,
work
December 29, 2010
shower musings
i had an epiphany the morning after my last day of the semester... ok epiphany might be a strong word, but whatever :p ... taking finals is almost like having a newborn...
- you don't sleep well because something wakes you every few hours of the night. that 20minute power nap might just save your sanity
- you don't eat properly. sometimes grabbing whatever is easiest/quickest/closest just to have something in your belly
- sometimes you get screamed at. if you take too long responding, you're gonna get an earful
- you're probably the smelly kid. showers become an adventure in time management every time you turn on the taps
- when dealing with massive amounts of shit, you will question your life choices. you will always decide, ultimately, you made the right ones because you know it's worth it
of course, having kids is a longer term commitment, but at least they grow up. unfortunately, finals never get any easier. i can't fathom doing both at once
- you don't sleep well because something wakes you every few hours of the night. that 20minute power nap might just save your sanity
- you don't eat properly. sometimes grabbing whatever is easiest/quickest/closest just to have something in your belly
- sometimes you get screamed at. if you take too long responding, you're gonna get an earful
- you're probably the smelly kid. showers become an adventure in time management every time you turn on the taps
- when dealing with massive amounts of shit, you will question your life choices. you will always decide, ultimately, you made the right ones because you know it's worth it
of course, having kids is a longer term commitment, but at least they grow up. unfortunately, finals never get any easier. i can't fathom doing both at once
find more of me:
gradschool,
i'm too much
August 6, 2010
some things
kinda left y'all hang there, didn't i? well the changes aren't quite done, but they also aren't that big so i'm in no rush
- i'm also rearranging things (that's really the big to do) because i'm starting to feel cluttered. there's a new page for buttons and badges and another all about me. i'm slowly working on them because [shock of all shocks] i actually had some work to do at work the last few weeks
- i may also move the blogroll to it's own page. not everyone has a button, but the sidebar is starting to get out of control (much like my google reader :p)
- i did not get the job i interviewed for, but i'm not too heartbroken about it. i still have my fingers crossed for something else to open up with them because they're an awesome small company
- i can't really attest to how the detox went, but i'm still working on balancing myself. i took InSlut to a special event hosted by one of my fave bloggers, and i tried to be the best attentive girlfriend that i could. of course we both got distracted by video games when we got back from pittsburgh, but we watched true blood cuddled up on the couch. that counts as quality time, right? lol
that's pretty much it. my life's been fairly constant otherwise. promise i'll be back to regular blogging soon. i miss it and you guys :)
what's changed around here?- i have a fantastic new header, created by ms. liz who blogs all over. if you're interested in having some work done for most anything, you should check out her design site. she's pretty fab :)
- i'm also rearranging things (that's really the big to do) because i'm starting to feel cluttered. there's a new page for buttons and badges and another all about me. i'm slowly working on them because [shock of all shocks] i actually had some work to do at work the last few weeks
- i may also move the blogroll to it's own page. not everyone has a button, but the sidebar is starting to get out of control (much like my google reader :p)
some updates...- i did not do well in my summer class so i'll be retaking it in the fall. it's taught by the same professor :p at least i already have the book and know what the assignments will be like
- i did not get the job i interviewed for, but i'm not too heartbroken about it. i still have my fingers crossed for something else to open up with them because they're an awesome small company
- i can't really attest to how the detox went, but i'm still working on balancing myself. i took InSlut to a special event hosted by one of my fave bloggers, and i tried to be the best attentive girlfriend that i could. of course we both got distracted by video games when we got back from pittsburgh, but we watched true blood cuddled up on the couch. that counts as quality time, right? lol
and then there was miscellaneous stuff...so some of you may have noticed i started a tumbler (the perpetual planner) for all the silly future things i think about. some of you also know about my weight loss blog and my contribution to the in it to gym it blog. what you don't know is that i also have a sort of secret wordpress blog. it's secret because it's all about sex, and i don't want to alienate readers by posting all the lurid details of my sex life here... then again, i don't update it much because i have such a boring old lady sex life. i'm not going to link to it because 1) i'm still apprehensive about sharing and 2) because i'm thinking about moving it to blogger. i kinda hate wordpress (.com not .org). as much as i love blogging, i am not willing to pay for it right now. the only advantage it has is the commenting, but i'm willing to sacrifice nested responses for completely free... for now it lives in hiding; we'll see if i change my mind about that
that's pretty much it. my life's been fairly constant otherwise. promise i'll be back to regular blogging soon. i miss it and you guys :)
find more of me:
blogger buddies,
gradschool,
i'm too much,
the future freaks me out,
work
July 3, 2010
i'm on a break
you won't be seeing much of me round these parts for the next few weeks because...
~it's crunch time for my summer class. final on the 15th, two 10 page papers due on the 19th
~i'm applying for a new job; interview is on wed. i'd have actual work to do at work if i get it
~i've let social media consume my life. i started contemplating on social media day (which i didn't attend), and i feel a bit like troy: "how can something delicious be bad for me?" social media is my giant cookie, and realizing how neglectful i've been is giving me a stomachache. i need to find more of a balance so i'm taking a step back for a little
i'll still be checking in on y'all from time to time, and i'm totally going to be at DCamazeballsHH next week. i just won't be posting or lurking around twitter as much. so after this goes up, i'm going to peace out for the long weekend and my own social media detox :)
i hope you all enjoy your holidays (or normal weekends if you're canadian/living in canada ;))
~it's crunch time for my summer class. final on the 15th, two 10 page papers due on the 19th
~i'm applying for a new job; interview is on wed. i'd have actual work to do at work if i get it
~i've let social media consume my life. i started contemplating on social media day (which i didn't attend), and i feel a bit like troy: "how can something delicious be bad for me?" social media is my giant cookie, and realizing how neglectful i've been is giving me a stomachache. i need to find more of a balance so i'm taking a step back for a little
i'll still be checking in on y'all from time to time, and i'm totally going to be at DCamazeballsHH next week. i just won't be posting or lurking around twitter as much. so after this goes up, i'm going to peace out for the long weekend and my own social media detox :)
i hope you all enjoy your holidays (or normal weekends if you're canadian/living in canada ;))
find more of me:
gradschool,
i'm too much,
real life loves,
work
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