December 7, 2011


i have a tummyache... because i am five and whiny and stressed out and wanting my mom to just make it better and close to tears and STRESSED THE FUCK OUT... and i've had it since saturday. not like round the clock, but for a few hours at various points each day, it just aches

i chose to call my mom. she didn't answer. so i had an afternoon snack. my usual "oh my god someone call intervention because i can't stop spooning peanut butter in my face!" snack. i didn't want it. i called my mom again because i knew, right then, i was having a moment. she tried to talk me down, tell me to breath, reinforce how well i'm doing, encourage me, etc. in a 10 minute conversation. she has a job, too. people there need her or some shit. she asked if we needed to meet though. i declined. i think i mostly need a nap

wrong. i need a moment to have my moment. that nap is not a nap. it's the end of the stress spiral in which i am incapacitated by ALL THE THINGS. i am choosing not to let that happen. i know that i will be practically catatonic for the next few days should i choose otherwise. i do not have time for that, and it would only bring me back to the beginning of the spiral

instead, i have chosen to take this afternoon off. i am packing my books back up so they can't taunt me. i am clearing my desk of the work tasks i can do tomorrow. i'm not procrastinating to avoid; i'm taking a mental break from this insanity i created. i confirmed my missing grades so i know i have As in both classes. i am choosing to relax knowing it will be ok

i chose to skim blog posts from november. i am now choosing to mark the rest as read. i am choosing to ignore the last two days worth of tweets. i have an hour left at the office, and i am going to spend it doing puzzles online... this all sounds like procrastination. however, the difference is that i have actively decided to give myself a break rather than hiding in the internets from the big bad to do list i created. i need to reclaim my mental space before hormones and stress and whatever else lurks in my system pull me into the darkness

my tummy feels better now...