June 15, 2011

passage of time

i started this post because of something jesse said to me. "i wish i'd met you three years ago." after a conversation about his financial situation. my darling boy is good at many things; managing his money is not one of them. i'm obsessive about my money so most of the time he makes me nervous. i'm doing my best to help him without stealing his check card and changing his account information so he can't access anything himself. doling out an allowance, having the final say on all things finances. i would be that extreme

if jesse were 16

moving on. as i told him, i was not this person three years ago. the 24 year old me would not be so patient, concerned or interested in his situation. she would see this as a bit of fun, but not necessarily long term. she would be too caught up in her own bullshit to recognize what she had in her life. i know this because i've done this before. i dated a guy in college who was very similar to jesse. i broke up with him after two months because he was simply too nice and i just wanted to get laid. i couldn't even maintain a friendship with him. a few months after breaking up, we tried. a few months later, i lost my temper and a good friend. i still laugh at what he wrote about me on livejournal. not because it didn't hurt, but because it was pretty true. i hurt people, and i didn't much care because those people had hurt me first

in 2008, i was living alone because i got sick of living with my dad (my parents are still together; i just have daddy issues). loved everything about the place, except the cost; i bounced a couple rent checks that year. the excitements in my life included buying a discounted couch at ikea, wondering if my temp position would become permanent (it did) and getting into loyola (worst. ever). i went on my second cruise, with my family, and spent most of my time either drinking or complaining. my friends were getting married, and i was getting hit by major cases of the jealousies. i consoled myself by buying expensive shoes and watching shows on cable at my parents' house (before i boycotted after another run in with hulk dad). it was also the year of the great integration at work, which set up the worst six months of my life. in the middle of that, i met a guy who would turn out to be the absolute worst person to have in my life

i give the universe credit though. if it hadn't been for THE worst year ever, i would not be in a place to realize the best. one program dismissal plus one break up plus realizing i no longer wanted to coast through my life equals the last 18 months of happy. i'm still the same spoiled, privileged girl i've always been, but i appreciate my advantages in a way i never had. i moved in with my best friend to save money and force him to spend time with me (neal, you know it's true. love, clingmonster). we're better friends than we had been in recent years. i stopped spending every last cent i had just because i could. instead, i've saved a ridiculous amount of money and gotten a feature on smartypig's blog (some of the details are wrong, but it's still pretty freaking cool). i found a man i adore who is good to me and good for me. i suck at showing it most times, but i appreciate what he has brought to my life

end of 2008: "i have never been so disappointed and humiliated in my life" and things got worse
end of 2009: "regardless of what happens, i'll be starting my year off with an adventure" and the adventure continued

three years ago, this would've been a fun side trip on the path to what i wanted. i'd have dropped him like a hot potato if things started getting too real or difficult. i wouldn't have been willing to let him in my heart, not even a tiny bit. that girl wouldn't have been in any position to help anyone, even if she had looked outside her little bubble from time to time. rereading and reliving journal entries from the last three years was definitely uncomfortable. realizing how much i've grown is overwhelmingly awesome. jesse, you could've met me three years ago, but you wouldn't have been meeting me. i found you at the exact moment i needed to. we're exactly where we need to be. everything happens for a reason