August 17, 2011

20SB blog swap #9

know what's fun about michelles? there's so damn many of us :) 

today's post is from michelle of country girl/city girl as part of the 9th 20SB blog swap (themed guest posting :)). this round's topic is summer. read about the wild summer michelle's been having below, and check out my post up on her blog :)

This was my first summer out of school. After umpteen years of staring till my eyes bleed at countless PowerPoints and listening to an absurd number of hours of lecture on shit that no one cares about, this is a new and strange feeling for me. I mean, I never have to go back to school again if I don't want to. Couple this with the fact that I no longer have school-related sports to take up 99.9% of my time, and the fact that I am shit at making new friends, and you’ve got a very lost Michelle whose all like “well what the F do I do now?”

Well I’ll tell you what I did. I had a nervous breakdown. I decided to stay in Columbus because I didn’t want to run back to my parents like a big ol’ PUSSYcat like errybody else from my podunk town does; but when I actually moved into my apartment and signed a year of my life away to the rental gods, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on my kitchen floor. Like holy shit get this girl a horse tranquilizer STAT uncontrollably…it wasn’t pretty.

Eventually I put my big-girl panties on and decided that if I was gonna be here away from all judgmental family member’s eyeballs (love you guys), I may as well do whatever the hell I wanted.

So begins my brief, summer-long episode of my version of “whatever the hell I want”, which actually is pretty PG-13 cuz let's face it, I'm sorta boring and I'm scared my momma will smack the smartass outta me (that's a lot of smacking, folks) if I do anything too bad. Imma break it down in highlights for you to promote easier reading because, just like my men, I like my blogs easy.

Highlight Number 1: I experience my first cab ride ever. Our driver’s name is Aweezy, which makes me think of Lil Wayne. Weezy drops my three friends and I off at the bar so we can get drunk off bottle service plus a free bottle of champagne if someone gives the owner, who is a very large black man nicknamed “Big Phil”, a lapdance. Somehow, we end up with a bottle of champage, but no one is owning up to the lapdance. I have my suspects…

I experience my second cab ride ever the same night when we are "lucky" enough to snag Weezy again to give all our drunk asses a ride home. As we are exiting the cab for the night, Lil Wayne grabs my boobs and squeezes, kinda like he is testing a pear for ripeness. He also asks my friend if she took any pictures of me dancing throughout the night. I decide to drive myself to and from the bar from here on out. 

Highlight Number 2: I develop a slight cough and a bit of a sinus/sniffle/headcold thing. I assume it will go away like any other cold normally would, and I purchase some Ricola Honey Lemon cough drops cause I don't settle for that Luden's Cherry bullshit. Eventually I am coughing so uncontrollably that I have to literally run away from my tables while taking orders at my job to have a hysterical, oh-my-god-I’m-suffocating coughing fit in the back. I lie and say I have allergies so people don’t think I’m contaminating their food. A creepy middle-aged man hits on me after I have one of these disgusting, choking till near vomiting coughing fits in front of him and I find myself wondering what kinda kinky shit he's into. Ten days, two bags of cough drops, and a bottle of DayQuil later I finally take my sorry ass to the doctor. Whaddayaknow, I have a sinus infection and bronchitis. The doctor looks at me like I'm crazy, while standing as far away from my infected body as he possibly can in the tiny examining room, and asks me why the hell I didn't come to see them sooner. Fannnntastic. 

Highlight Number 3: Someone hangs a sign on the door of my apartment building warning the inhabitants of the building of a stalker that is lurking the area, complete with a photo and a physical description. I do not have curtains on my windows, so I tape trash bags onto the glass, blocking all view both into and out of the windows. I begin to sleep with a softball bat beside my bed, and every time I hear something outside I go into temporary coronary failure. 

Highlight Number 4: I smoke my first full cigarette ever. I don’t cough or choke, but I find that it tastes like burnt sunflower seeds. It also makes my mouth taste like I've been licking the inside of an oven the rest of the night, and I decide that cigarettes are just not for me.  

Highlight Number 5: I have a brief fling with a Mexican, who we will refer to as Enrique. Now, when I say Mexican, I don't mean a Mexican-American, I mean a “Hola Chica Mexican” as my friend Sarah so eloquently describes it. Now, when I say fling, I mean I go to watch the Mexico vs USA soccer game at a Mexican restaurant with Enrique, where I am the lone white girl. I also accompany him to Chipotle and a Mexican fair where I am no doubt the minority. I hear that Mexican men move very quickly in their relationships (okay, I googled it), but I have no intention of seriously dating this man. Enrique turns out to be horribly jealous and is already planning out a life with me, chock full of trips to Cancun (which I surely would never return from), home to meet my parents, and even asks if he can move into my apartment with me. I find myself wondering how he fits that much crazy into such a little body.

I decide to end what I consider a friendship and he considers a lifelong partnership whenever I receive a text message from apparently his wife saying “Deja de molestar mi esposo”. Translation: “Stop bothering my husband.” Time to pack up the Coronas and go home….fiesta’s over.

Highlight Number 6: I score a job interview with a sweet company in Wisconsin, sealing myself a free trip to a state I've never been to so I can come out and interview. I am terrified of flying and have never done it alone, but I manage to get there without accidentally flying to China. The cab driver on the way to my interview shows me and the other candidates around the city where the company is located. She points out the “ghetto”, explaining that in THEIR ghetto you are more likely to be hit with the gun than shot with it. I laugh the entire cab ride there.

I kick ass during the 5 hour long interview process, and head back to the airport confident that I’ll be moving to Wisconsin within the next month. Here, I discover that airport food costs a mothereffing fortune plus your firstborn child.

I return to Columbus and wait for the longest two weeks of my entire life. After two excruciating weeks of suspense, I get turned down and then hung up on by the bitchy human resources girl. 

Oh yea? Well, Wisconsin smells like cheese anyway.

Highlight Number 7: It's halfway through August and summer is pretty much almost over, even though it's still so effing hot out that my eyelashes are sweating. Mother Nature...I think you're a bitch.

I finally decide that I need to get my shit together. I break my lease to move back home, with my family, where I belong. I need to get a job and get out of this putting off real life phase that I'm in and be a real person.

So now that I'm done with school, done with intercollegiate sports, and I've sown my (not so) wild oats for the past three months, here starts the rest of my life. I'm sure as shit not ready for it, but damn if it's not ready for me. I guess we all gotta grow up sometime.

Lord, just put off the wrinkles for a little bit least give me that much.