this is not my life

at least, not entirely. it's not the life i thought i'd be living by now...

as my last couple weeks of 29 wind down, i randomly reflect on my life - where i've been, where i am and where i'm going. it definitely isn't the picture i thought i'd be constructing at this stage of the game. some days, i'm ok with this. some days, i want to cry into my pillow and never leave bed again ever

is this the struggle of overly ambitious people? is this just what happens with middle age milestones?

whatever it is, i don't like it. i was completely unconcerned about this birthday until a month ago. neal sent me a silly teasing text as he usually does. and it stung. a lot. i almost cried. completely out of the ordinary for me. this oscillation between "FUCK 30" and "FUCKYEA 30"... oh god. just writing those words was a jab in the heart. literally, just sunk back in my chair like someone punched me... the oscillation makes me question my own emotions. i'm constantly putting on a front of whatever cause i don't know what's happening internally

i earned my MS in 2012 and joined an illustrious organization in 2013.

four of my friends are getting married this year. FOUR.

i'm another step closer to licensure and working two jobs i adore.

two of my friends are having their second children this year. one is having her first.

i own my own car and am on track to repay my loan early

my best friend bought a house this month

for every success, i'm reminded of the things i've put off - for myself and because of others. i'm horribly impatient with life; i think that's always been clear. but it's also occasionally imposed impatience. i've reached the point when people ask big questions about my life. i'm tired of smiling and saying "no" to most. playing off the fact that my stalled life weighs heavy on my heart. pretending like i'm not angry and frustrated. ignoring my internal clock that has been ticking for two years. i already had my own shit rolling around in my head, and now i've internalized additional pressure from all these people

i know i shouldn't let other people dictate my life, especially people who don't know me. i know i shouldn't compare myself to everyone. i also know how fucking hard it is to let go when i identified my life plan at age 13. i know my passions. i know what i want, and i'm not asking for much. i'm tired of waiting for the pieces to fall into place, as determined by someone other than myself

i'm going to be 30, and i'm releasing the brake. this is not my life, but it's going to be

holiday cards 2013

been a terrible blogger this year, but i'm planning to make up for it. starting with holiday cards. i'm a hallmark addict, and i've decided to add my blog peeps (if any of you are still out there) to the list. if you'd like a card from this crazy gal, just fill out the handy form below :)



when school is finally over, i'll try to stop being such a neglectful blogger

simplicity

i don't attend church unless it's a wedding or a funeral. i haven't prayed since i got my first diary. i don't normally think about either

watching a tv priest kneel before the alter hit me strangely though. i miss attending mass

i don't miss the place. i don't miss the people. i just miss the rituals. i miss the predictability of service

i was raised catholic and received my first communion. i attended confirmation, but didn't actually affirm my promise. i'm very good at being quiet in a large crowd speaking together. i found it difficult to tie myself to a faith that made my mother jump threw hoops to receive the sacrament because she had a different set of rituals. i officially renounced my faith sophomore year of college

but i still miss some pieces of that faith. i miss the connection, the familiarity and the simplicity. i miss the certainty. i miss being seven and believing in things

i have no intention of returning to that faith, but i do want to recapture the meaning of it all

2013 goals: midyear update

i have so many unfinished posts floating around in here. one of these days, i will finish one. the one i started saturday night is definitely an important one for me. it's also going to be a really hard post to create. but on to something less difficult: my goals

i finally sat down yesterday (no choice when you're trapped in a car for 12 hours) and reassessed. i deleted, updated and condensed. my goal areas, of course, haven't changed (professional development, physical & mental health and financial management), but now i have 15 goals - some specific, some general. all focused on improving and growing. one step towards accomplishing or at least moving in the direction of my goals is to let my planning go *shudder* which is so tough

the last few weeks have highlighted a lot of things for me. one of which is my strong "need" to plan and my complete lack of follow through. so i am stepping back from my hyper regimented life. having a plan is helpful, but i waste WAY too much time plotting out details. i'm too mentally exhausted to actually do anything. i truly can't continue living like this so i am going to try doing things differently. we'll see how it all goes...

disappearing act

after encouraging a friend to restart her blog, i realized i should probably post to my own. almost two months later, a lot of shit has happened. you know i love details and over telling my stories (and there's always a story), but i'll stick to bullet points to keep it easy. i can tell the stories in other posts (help me refind my blog mojo?)

*i took over an audit at work. i'm stressed out and back to working ridiculous hours to make up for when i'm "out"

*i'm using an insane amount of vacation in preparation of leaving my job. not that i've applied elsewhere... yet... took a week off for my birthday, which got interrupted. taking off extra time to live it up in vegas

*bossman and a coworker left the business. hence why i have this damn audit and less support. my other coworker was moved to a different team; her boss is trying to get the shit we manage off her plate. dunno what that will mean for me, but i seriously hope every task doesn't fall back to me

*i've been interning like crazy. my clients are all over the place. my interventions are, too. i'm trying similar things with different people with varying success. it's been a great experience though

*i'm winding down my time at my internship and started prepping my clients for my departure. one who i find particularly difficult hugged me and thanked me for how much i've helped. i'm still shocked

*i didn't take my boards in april, which is why i'll be leaving my site instead of staying as a pt employee. fucking date change. now i'm scheduled to sit for the exam in october

*i wouldn't have been able to take boards even without the date mixup. cause i spent the month of april pledging. i'd tell you which sorority, but i'm trying to keep them off my blog. it's not always sisterly, and i refuse to give it up or censor myself. FUCK that

*i have a new twitter for the same reason. i'm keeping @mcschoon as my main twitter space; @aceschoon is the scrubbed version. might take it in a more professional direction at some point

*i'm nearing the end of another semester. it's been one of the busiest with a ridiculous amount of reading from one class. i should be working on one of the many assignments i have due this week. per usual

*i'm taking a summer class with my favorite prof. then i'm taking three classes in the fall. ugh to being full time, including paying for that shit and the increased time consumption. BUT it'll be my last ever semester of grad school. i. can't. wait

*oh yea, and i moved. pants and i are no longer codependent roomie besties. we're just codependent besties who never see each other cause i'm always working. the move was stressful, and i'm totally gonna yelp about it

*i had my five year anniversary at work. i picked out an exercise ball as my gift. i've used it once, and i'm not sure i like it. glad it was free

*i still haven't finished unpacking from the move because of all the pledging, interning and auditing. i did find my old journal though; there are some real gems in it. weird how much has changed... and how much hasn't... since i was 14

*i gained five pounds. stress eating, choosing poorly and just generally overdoing it. thinking i'm pretty hideous at the moment. trying to get back on the wagon and reframe my negative self images... while eating a pint of karamel sutra...

*my brother comes home this week, but i won't see him until after vegas. he's been oversees for 18 months, and he gets two weeks of leave. that's some bullshit. at least we get to celebrate his birthday together this time

remembering all the shit that's happened is really hard. reason why i should blog more often? probably. now, about those homework assignments....

little rejections

i am continually amazed by bloggers who can bare their souls and build amazing bonds with other bloggers. they form these relationships that can rival any "real life" friendship, past and present. they constantly build their own communities and support systems. and i am constantly jealous

which is dumb

because i actively and passively cut myself off from that potential. i share just enough. i support just enough. i open the door to my heart just a hair because letting people in terrifies the shit out of me. sunday, a dog broke my heart, and i'm still upset. i can rationalize why she still doesn't trust me, but it hurts nonetheless. what the hell am i supposed to do when it's people?

it's difficult for me to make friends though i have a lot. i can only think of 1 friend i actually made my entire life. sometimes it's hard to feel connected to friends, even when i'm not being guarded. because, deep down, i'm 95% sure everyone hates me. no matter how hard i try, what i do or how i act. they just don't wear their disdain out in the open like diva dog

someone of sound mind

this song will always have relevance

unmoored

i'm lost... or at least, i have lost part of me

in all the coursework, experiences and feedback, i have lost my sense of myself as a counselor. i've become so bogged down in learning the skills and forgotten that i already have natural skill. giving everything a name seems to have shifted me in a negative direction. i find myself struggling more and more, when i should be finding my groove. i understand that all of this is supposed to focus me and enhance my craft. but all its done is cloud my view

i was reading a case study that could have been about someone i know. it could almost have been about me. i understood the client before her therapist did. i understood where she was coming from before my classmates did. not to say that i am better than him or them, but that i have an important perspective many don't. that perspective gets kicked around when we start using our fancy terms and theories

i didn't come into this field because people told me i'm a great listener. i didn't have every friend coming to me for help and advice. i didn't fall into this in the middle of my college career because human behavior randomly started to interest me

i did fall into psychology ungracefully, a gifted kid afforded the privilege of advanced experiences. but i've always wanted to help in some capacity. and i've always been drawn to psychology in ways i didn't understand (who, at 11, is trying to make a case for why her brother's trained psychiatrist was a blithering idiot about diagnosis and treatment? oh, and i was right? TAKE THAT). i found psychology at 13. i briefly, post college, put it on hold to pursue a field i thought would be complementary. psychology called me home again. this is who i am. this is who i have always been

i know this. i just need to pull my lost parts out of the ensuing fog

peek a boo

y'all know how i like to disappear every now and again cause my plate is always too full ;) well, i haven't been completely out of it this time. in case you missed me, i blogged over at colorful calm for the wonderful maria. if you don't know her, you definitely should. scoot on over to check out my post (especially the introverts), the other guest bloggers and maria's internet space. my biased opinion is that you won't be disappointed :)

serving more

participated in a king holiday community service project today through UB. we helped a local organization clean up one of the many forgotten areas of baltimore: oliver. this day has made me think of a lot so i thought i'd jot down some reminders (and tips) for participating in community service

- wear comfy clothes with pockets and good shoes
- if you're working outside, remember to layer appropriately for the cold or heat
- you are not thor. ask for help moving and lifting things
- be courteous and polite to your fellow volunteers
- remember that people are still people even when brought together to do some good
- be patient
- if you're doing trash cleanup, wear thick gloves
- you have access to soap, water and laundry
- there is at least one person who will appreciate what you're trying to do
- you are returning to warmer environments, but for some warmth is a luxury
- still enjoy that deliciously hot bath and hot tea
- manual labor is free exercise [one of our group mentioned this heh]
- you know when you've reached your true limit and need to take a break
- your muscles will recover from the extra exertion
- remember that you wanted to be more involved in the community
- you can't pick up every minute broken unwanted thing, but you sure as hell shouldn't walk away without trying
- this is just a first step

now that some parts of my life are slowing down, i'm hoping to increasingly involve myself in service projects. it's one of the many reasons i'm pledging DST (oh, yea. that's happening). i always want to give back, and now i finally have the ability to do more than give money :)

now excuse me as a crawl into bed with bengay ;)