August 14, 2011

off the rails

so much has happened in the last few weeks. emotionally, it's hard to keep up. i've started four posts about the happenings; clearly, nothing's been published. i have a few more posts rolling through my head that i haven't had the time or patience to flesh out. i want to get back on track with everything, but i need to visualize and plan it all out first. here's what's up:

*grad school: i'm embarrassed to admit my academic defeats so i doubt i detailed much of this before. i'll start towards the beginning. last semester, i was on probation. i got fucked in the fall so my gpa dived. i tried my best to get what i needed to get it back up, but fell just short. it doesn't help that one of my grades may be wrong. no, it's not going to boost me over the threshold, but every point counts. unfortunately, JB is an asshole. it took him a week to respond to each of my emails; then he just stopped responding altogether. at the end of june, i got the letter saying i was officially suspended. no class for me in the fall, and i'd have to jump through hoops to be allowed back in for the spring. i had a meeting with the program director, now EJ (JB was the interim director while TM was on sabbatical). i was almost in tears at the end of the meeting. happy tears. she and SB (director of academic advising) believed i should get another chance so they were going to waive my suspension. no begging or pleading from me required. i registered for classes a couple weeks ago. i had a meeting with SB this week to discuss the numbers and do the paperwork. she wanted to hammer home how important this semester is, which i totally agree with. if i don't get the grades, i'm done. that is not an option. much like last semester, things will be difficult and i'm ready for the challenge. i have another email in to JB, i put in my paperwork for my education benefits and my money is ready to go

*finances: i was obsessing over and reconfiguring my savings goals because of the semester beginning. then i started focusing on my long term goals. after days of checking and rechecking, i realized how beneficial having a side hustle would be for me. paying off students loans and saving for huge future purchases over three years without using money from my primary job? sign me up! of course, that was before i reconfigured the MKN budget. there are quite a few assumptions built in given that we dumped our first client before any business was done. once things get moving though, i think everything will work out nicely for the business and us

*work: i'm managing a project that i'd rather be doing. i have the boring job of coordinating between people. i'd much rather be running and analyzing reports, even if it's a cumbersome, time consuming task for one person. what else do i have to do? granted, just like last semester, my lack of projects gives me more time to do homework. i'll be taking full advantage of that given the insane workload i'm going to get

*family: my grandmother was sent to hospice on the 31st because her kidneys appeared to be shutting down. on the 1st, the nurse thought the doctor had misdiagnosed her because she was doing better. the morning of the 2nd, she died. i'm glad i had better sense than to believe what the nurse told my mom monday. false hope is the worst when dealing with sickness and death. she lived 100 amazing years, and her body decided it was time to go. my parents went down to atlanta wednesday to get everything together for the funeral. i went down thursday to help mom because i knew she wouldn't get the support and assistance she needed. her side of the family is wonderful, but they just don't get us. we spent two days running around and making phone calls and two days trying to mentally prepare. tuesday afternoon, we said good bye. over the week, we shared a lot of stories, jokes and tears. we saw a lot of old faces, too. sometimes i forgot what a big heart she had; she touched so many people in one way or another. everyone was a part of her family, not just those of us tied by bloodlines

*health: the stress of the last two weeks took a toll on me physically. mindless eating to the extreme. i still documented every bit of what i ate and drank. so i know i ate at least double my daily allotment every single day i was in atlanta. before i left, i was barely eating at all. i had to consciously remind myself to eat because i simply wasn't hungry. i've been home since wednesday evening, and i still feel way off. my body has done everything it can to let me know it is displeased. even thinking about it now is making my stomach turn... i shouldn't really call it mindless eating. i kept saying i was craving sugar, but i wasn't really craving it. i had an insane compulsion to devour sweets. all of my eating was compulsive. i stripped the skin off a chicken thigh like i used to when i was little. i've always disliked chicken, but i love the fried skin. i ate a whole leg. then i ate the skin my mom hadn't wanted. then i ate all the bits that had fallen into the box. then i grabbed a thigh and methodically removed all its skin. cameron asked, halfway through, if i was going to eat the rest. with no hesitation or guilt, i said "no, i don't want it" like i was seven years old all over again... i'm feeling more mentally myself, but i know i started to undo all the good i've done. i dread getting on the scale this morning, but i know it's the next step in getting back on track

*random: jesse sent me this old article a few weeks ago that still has me thinking. do i see what's out there or do i focus on the minutia? over the last year or so, i think i'm opening myself up to more possibilities. i know where i want to go, but i'm more willing to try different paths to get there. i'm still a detail oriented planner; i will always stress over the little things. i'm just allowing myself to be guided a bit more by the universe instead of forcing/rushing the universe to fulfill my demands

given all i have/need to get done, i really need a game plan. i've already set up my personal schedule for the fall, which includes all the usual obligations for work, school and myself. i'm buying books this week so i can get a headstart on readings. eight books between two classes means no wasted moments. i'm hoping the week off for the funeral hasn't screwed with my momentum. i have wiggle room, but not much. like usual, the schedule is probably overly ambitious, but i don't know how else to be